Top Ten Things Not To Do When Drinking

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

image for Top Ten Things Not To Do When Drinking
The night is young, follow the rules!

Submitted by an international pool of pub crawlers, the top 10 suggestions for things "Not To Do" when drinking were compiled by the beverage industry's flagship magazine called the "Gig and Vomit". Listed in reverse voting order from tenth place to first are the following suggestions compiled from both men and women.

10: Never wear white pants (or skirt): You may need to crawl across a dirty bar floor after last call or worse, a damp bathroom floor after talking to Mom on the big white telephone.

9: Never drink milk before a night of sucking on tequila and lime. Your stomach will soon become a vessel of cottage cheese begging to be expelled onto the brass rail near your feet.

8: Avoid binging on sweet drinks and shots: The sugar you enjoy now will become the Twist-A-Whirl carnival ride in your head later.

7: If you're going to drink beer all night with your new girlfriend, never start with a sausage and sauerkraut combo at dinner. Worse yet, a sausage, sauerkraut, green pepper and onion combo. If you are forced to hold in the building pressure, your lower intestine will explode before you drop her off. That will take care of the second date.

6: Never carry cash in any denomination larger than a five. Carrying 50's in your wallet might make you look like a big shooter, but the bartender will claim they are 5's after your seventh martini. Frankly, your drunk-ass won't know the difference.

5: Always carry travel sized mouthwash in your pockets. After hurling, you'll need to wash the remaining chunks out of your mouth and replace the smell of bile with mint if you want any chance of sucking face tonight.

4: Pick your target love interest for the evening before your third beer and remember them by hair and clothing color. Everybody looks like a ten at closing time. Make sure you've got your six and a half picked out before then.

3: Never try to impress your male or female friends by tying a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue. This is something David Hasselhoof or Paris Hiltin would do. Please, find something else original.

2: Once inebriated, never enter an establishment with a suspicious name like: "The Dirty Hole" or "The Golden Tunnel", for the ladies it might be the "Pink Taco", unless of course you enjoy that sort of new experience.

1: Never eat the large pink breath mints in the restroom or lavatory. The large white porcelain fixtures on the wall are NOT serving dishes.

Good advice all around.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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