Australians Hate Australia Movie
Australia hates Australia - That is the news coming from the Antipodes this morning, or this evening, depending on where you are in the world. The Australia being talked about though, is the movie by Baz Luhrmann, a sprawling mess of a movie to wh...
Read full storyPolice to probe UK torture claims
Police will investigate claims that an MI5 agent was complicit in torture carried out at Guantanamo bay.. One inmate, known as Mohamed to protect his identity, was held at Guantanamo Bay after he was caught on a London bus without a travel card la...
Read full storyObama expands "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy
News Update (Washington DC) - President Obama took to the podium today to expand the military's stance on gays. Going forward this new policy will not be limited to just military personnel, and will affect the lives of all Americans. "Look, now, t...
Read full storyLoony Tunes Britney Apparently Thinks It's Christmas
Add another chalk mark to your score on the list of the zany Circus tour series. Mama Jamie Spears may have her daughter Britney on a tight leash, seeing a whole team of psychiatrists and a few bodyguards but it's good to see she's the same old id...
Read full storyMalawi people to adopt American pop stars
Concerned at the plight of America's pop stars, many who live very unhealthily and are surrounded by poisonous chemicals, poor food, and war-mongering leaders that waste their taxes on needless wars, the people of Malawi today announced they were ado...
Read full storyPsychologists Determine That Bush Administration Was Protected By 'Bozone' Layer
Psychologists have finally come to a determination as to the reason why the Bush administration failed to understand why the Iraq war was a failure and why the economy was starting to go under during their watch. Borrowing from an idea originated...
Read full storyKeira Knightley 'Distraught' Following Pirate Ship Demise
Hollywoodland icon and archetypal English rose, Keira Knightley, was reportedly moved to tears by Captain Morse's ultimate instalment of the 'Below Decks' extravaganza, as championed on the magazine pages of TheSpoof.com, even though it rarely attrac...
Read full storyDavid Jason In Racist Joke Row
Sources at the BBC have uncovered, what they say is, evidence that Sir David Jason, the long-time star of shows such as Only Fools And Horses and A Touch Of Frost, is a racist, after he unleashed a torrent of racist abuse and innuendo during a live r...
Read full storyMichelle O'Bama to have elocution lessons
Celebrity politician Barack O'Bamas wife Michelle 'Big Mamma' O'Bama is to have elocution lessons to prevent her sounding too 'white'. Michelle was shocked to discover some black school kids she visited in DC all agreed she was 'forgetting her roo...
Read full storyFern Britton Leaves Show After Row About Her Knickers
Fern Britton, the overweight This Morning presenter has left the show after a rift with co-presenter, Philip Schofield, over her underwear. Britton, who only last week tipped the scales at a whopping 23 stone, fell into dispute with Schofield over...
Read full storyMadonna 'To Purchase Second Child'
Aging and well past her sell by date Pop star Madonna is to travel to Malawi in a bid to bribe her way into buying a second child, because the first one is 'getting on her nerves' - well, not quite her nerves, her team of Nanny's nerves. The 70-y...
Read full storyScientists determine length of journey to "hell in a handcart"
Scientists with nothing better to do have been sponsored by the Daily Mail to calculate the amount of time it will take for the entire country to go to "hell in a handcart". And there is mixed news. Firstly, the scientists had to solve the problem...
Read full storySpongergate: A Sponger Accuses Another Sponger
A sponger has called another sponger a sponger in a Royal sponger scandal. Phil the Greek-famous for marrying the Queen- branded Simon Foul a sponger. Mr Foul- famous for finding people with talent and then milking them for cash- was unhurt by the ac...
Read full storyJade Goody To Be Given Full BNP Funeral
The funeral of the late reality TV star Jade Goody next Friday, is to be attended by more than 1,000 members of the British National Party, and will feature a full 21-gun salute and other niceties, including a speech by a prominent party member. U...
Read full storyWhat To Name Your Baby? You'll Have To Ask Obama!
PrezBO Newswire (Washington, DC)-Before your next extended undercover operation that culminates in a joint effort to insert tab a into slot b, Mr. and Ms. America, you better think twice. No, not about whether either of you has protection, or maybe a...
Read full storyFootballer Grows A Brain
Scientists today revealed that a Premiership footballer has grown a brain. As yet the player in question has not been named. It is believed that the experiment was carried out to see if unintelligent life could be used to support intelligent life.
Read full storyFirm Britone:"Money Was Not The Reason"
The television presenter Firm Britone today announced that her decision to quit 'This Morning' was not just about money. Some have claimed that the discrepancy between her wages and those of her co-host, Pip Shitfield, led to her resignation. It i...
Read full storyBritish Therapists Try And Cure 'Gays' - Why?
A sixth of British therapists said they had tried to help gay, bisexual and lesbian patients become heterosexual - the question is why? Many people like being gay and who says it is not a natural occurrence - and that animals are also gay - who kn...
Read full storyMadonna to Adopt Again
Aging pop goddess Madonna has announced that she is re-entering the African adoption fray, one year since she adopted her son David. The 'Material Girl', 50, who also has two biological children, has announced that she is to adopt Malawi - bringin...
Read full storyIncest Dad Seeks Contact with Tot Mom
The Austrian Ogre, 73-year-old Josef Fritzl, is seeking his prison's permission to start an e-mail relationship with jailed 22-year-old American Tot Mom Casey Anthony. "I don't see any harm in it," Fritzl confirmed from his country club prison i...
Read full storyDeluded Cowell Says - "I am the true heir to the throne! All bow down before me!"
In a story that would not seem amiss in his own hit soap opera, Coronation Street, pint-sized pop Svengali, Simon Cowell, has claimed that Prince Phillip called him a sponger. Close friends and insiders to his inner scrotum, tell of Cowell's incre...
Read full storyMan Trying To Look Hard Spits On Shoe
A complete prick from the town of Wigan today spat on his shoe, accidentally, in attempt to look 'hard'. The incident occurred at approximately 8.00 pm last night near Rick Astley's chippy. The man, identity unknown, was either intimidated by my g...
Read full storyAnna Nicole body to be exhumed
Nassau, Bahamas - (Big Boob Mess): A police investigation into a fetishistic grave-robbing cult has spread to the body of former Playboy centerfold Anna Nicole Smith following allegations that an empty coffin was interred into her final resting place...
Read full storyCarol Midgley Rottweiler in a dress
Carol writes for the times, well I say writes, she stomps her paws all over a PC keyboard and out comes a load of old shite. Her latest drivel features ridiculing football genius Paul Gascoigne. Gazza has never made a secret of the fact that he suffers bi-polar disorder, a terrible mental affliction that can result in a very self destructive state. However Carol has ignored this, well she w...
Read full storyBill Clinton gagged UK courts about Jade Goody paternity
London - (Seedy Ass Mess): In a startling development this afternoon lawyers acting for fetid former come-back kid Bill Clinton obtained a gagging order forbidding UK media from publishing his DNA paternity test results re Jade Goody. The feckless...
Read full storyFrankie rides red-hot My Indy in Dubai World Cup thriller
Nad Al Sheba, Dubai - (Whorseracing Mess): It's a done deal! And you can forget about US Breeders' Cup Dirt Mile champion Albertus Maximus, current 2/1 favorite for Saturday's Dubai World Cup. He's dead meat already! That's the verdict of online...
Read full storyVeterans Gather To Commemorate Loss Of Pirate Ship
Sombre scenes today here in Portsmouth as nautical veterans of a madcap adventure gathered together to commemorate the loss of the pirate ship HMS B*ggerall. Standing at the site of HMS Victory in the Royal Naval Dockyard, Michael Morse, a distant...
Read full storyCloaked UFO fleet massing over G20 conference centre
London - (X-Files Mess): A fleet of over 100 UFOs has been reported massing above London's X-Cell Centre under cover of the latest cloaking device technology ahead of next week's ultimate bankrupt vanity PR exercise the G20 Summit. "Earth's ancest...
Read full story'God won't protect G20 freak show from April Doomsday' Wiccans warn
London - (Ultimate Ponzi Scam Mess): "The clue is in the date!" World Council of Wicca sources hinted broadly this morning ahead of the April 1st G20 meeting in London next week. The Aries New Moon proclamation warns delusional politicians that '...
Read full storyBoogertown's Edith Snotgrass Has Never Given Up On Finding Her Cat, Colonel Mustard
Although her cat went missing in 1980 when Mrs Edith Snotgrass moved to West Boogertown, unfortunately the cat was no where to be seen when she arrived at her new home. "I let Colonel Mustard out at about six but told him to be back by eleven wh...
Read full storyManchester United Supporter Found Floating In Atlantic
Reports are coming in that a man was picked up by the Portuguese Coastguard, having been mysteriously cast adrift in the Atlantic Ocean. Miraculously, the man was alive. Portuguese Coastguard Muslimo Ronaldinho told us: "The man was picked u...
Read full storyAustralia, A Stinker Of A Film
The film Australia appears to be the bastard child of Gone With The Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Empire Of The Sun and Out Of Africa. Money and talent was wasted on a tedious, cliche driven film with Wile E. Coyote bad guys chasing Road Runner good guys a...
Read full storyIraqi Man Stoned to Death for Bad Christopher Walken Impression
Imagine this: a man is walking on a street with a friend. He talks about movies and television from the United States. The Taliban don't notice him until he imitated Christopher Walken. The man's name was Browny Smelling and he watched "The Deer H...
Read full storyBruce Willis Married Hard
Film star Bruce Willis, 54, of "Die Hard" fame, has tied the knot with model Emma Heming, in a Caribbean island ceremony attended by his ex-wife Demi Moore, who untied him, and their three daughters, his brother, Willy Willis, his Aunt Gertie, a 7, 1...
Read full storyTop 20 Mennonite Wild Spring Break Favorites
20. Painting the town Black & White 19. Barn Loft Bungie Jumps 18. First To Churn Their Butter 17. Reshaping elder's beard while he sleeps 16. Going Bonnetless from buggy while throwing beads 15. Buttermilk Chug-A-Lugs 14. Bucket of horse piss over barn doors 13. Horse Apple Fight 12. Sporting "Born To Raise Barns" Tee Shirts 11. Pulling A Skinny Dippin' All-Nighter...
Read full storyNASA To Send OctuMom Up To The Space Station
SACRAMENTO, California - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger faced with the ever-looming possibility that his state could go bankrupt has decided to make an emergency state govermental decision. The governor has recently been in talks with several high...
Read full storyRooney wants to play for Brazil
Unfortunately what Wayne Rooney does not understand, is the basic grasp of common sense. He was born in England, everyone he is related to was born and raised in England, he was already played some 40 games for England, thus making him ineligible for...
Read full storyDavid Jason today apologised for 'shameful and disgraceful remarks' on the radio
David Jason today apologised for 'shameful and disgraceful remarks' on the radio, ones that led to a record number of angry complaints to the BBC. 'I hang my head in shame', the Only Fools and Horses star said on Radio 4 today, 'I said things that...
Read full storyTimothy Geithner spotted practicing flea training routine
WASHINGTON DC - Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner has been seen by department staffers practicing a flea training routine, using a small three-ring circus on a side-desk in his office. Two Treasury insiders spoke on condition of anonymity...
Read full storyBelow Decks Chapter 22:The End Becomes the Beginning!
Captain's Note: This concludes the ambitious project undertaken by a spirited crew of Spoofers who write simply for the joy of writing. For those of you who tried to follow along, we salute you! For the Crew, I applaud you! Maybe we'll do it again. Maybe not! Now Hear This: The Smoking Lamp is Lit, and Shore Leave Now Commences! God Speed till we sail again. The ship was deathly qu...
Read full storyAl Gore Attacked by Sexually Confused Bear
Girdwood, Alaska - Al Gore, on a expedition to Alaska to study the effect of global warming on wildlife, was mauled by a temperamental bi-sexual bear. The incident happened while Mr. Gore was touring a wildlife sanctuary outside this small northern A...
Read full storyBanksy changes name in protest over Sir Fred 'The Shred'
The Bristol-born artist Banksy had decided to change his name in protest at the carry-on within the country's financial instutions, in particular, RBS and its outgone chief executive Sir Fred Th'Shred. From tomorrow, Banksy it taking a socially re...
Read full storyWhen the Dusk Fell, Part 3
This gave him energy, hope and courage. He decided not to miss the opportunity of seeing a city girl. When the woman handed him a plate, he took it with delight, but his eyes transfixed on the woman's hanging breasts in her dress. The woman sat loosely on the rock opposite him. Her dress was flowery; her clean-shaven legs without stockings; her toes varnished deep red. When she moved her legs, the...
Read full storyRichardson's Organs 'Donated To Help Others'
Relatives of the late Natasha Richardson, tragically killed in a skiing accident last week, have confirmed that several of her organs have been donated since her death. Richardson, 45, died after falling during a ski lesson at the Mont Tremblant r...
Read full storyHouse Prices will rise this year, say experts.
There is good news finally about house prices. According to experts in the housing industry they are set to rise by the end of 2009! 'It's certain. They simply can't fail to rise,' says Tom Wimpy, an estate agent in Harlow, Essex. Prices have bee...
Read full storyBrown Announces New Debt Initiative
Following the failure of its Gilts Auction yesterday, when the world of finance decided that Britain was unlikely to be able to pay off its debts, the Government has today announced a further fiscal measure to reduce its debt. Speaking from his Br...
Read full storyThe Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely,...
Read full storyBlow Job Etiquette
What a girl has to say on the subject: 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push...
Read full storyDisco to be installed in White House basement
WASHINGTON DC--The White House Press Office today confirmed that the one-lane bowling alley where the President bowled like he was in the Special Olympics will be converted to a discotheque with a bar, DJ booth and "dyno-mite" lighting effects. Pr...
Read full storyNetanyahu Pneumonia Renders Israeli Sufferers Peaceless
Untreated Holyland Whooping Cough victims have seen their disease advance to the more serious Netanyahu Pneumonia. The whooping cough wracks the diseased bodies of the infected but when the infection advances to the NP stage sufferers drown in their...
Read full storyReports that hostages may be free just "hot air"
Unconfirmed reports have been leaked to the press suggesting that the 1500 Greenodd residents held hostage in Somalia may in fact be free. Somalian authorities have refused to confirm or deny these details and there is some confusion surrounding...
Read full storyHolyland Whooping Cough Sweeps Middle Eastern Lungs
Epidemiologists have identified a new persistent strain of pertussis that they have named the Holyland Whooping Cough. The HWC renders the victim nearly incapable of a cough free minute. Companions of the constantly coughing inflicted have been k...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Prefers World's Largest Penis to World's Largest Vagina
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a startling revelation, Rush Limbaugh has publicly announced that he prefers the world's largest penis to the world's largest vagina. "Look, folks," Limbaugh huffed on his show Monday. "I can't tell you how many times it's...
Read full storyMan Utd Ejects Ashley Cole
After booting should be lobotomized Looney Rooney, Castrato singer and soccer afficionado, Fabio Acapello sent not merry old soul, Ashley Cole, the mad drunk of Manchester packing. Acapello told the Rude Footballers Tabloid that drunks are ten pen...
Read full storyLooney Tune Rooney Traded to St Mary's a Bedlam of the Schizo Soccer league
Fabio Acapello, the only footballer and castrato singer in the world told Man UTD in a perfect soprano that Looney Rooney had got to go. Since his latest looney illustration against Fulham, the men in the white coats have been looking for an appropr...
Read full storyObama Administration Proposes New Senior Health Plan to Reduce Entitlements
Washington DC: President Obama's latest press conference did not address reductions in Federal entitlement programs such as Social Security and Medicare. This omission was rectified a few hours later when the president's press secretary issued a stat...
Read full storyBelow Decks - A Brief Diversion - My Head Hurts
I never realised my cooking was so bad. Don't get me wrong on this, I understand fully that the Leeds United tattoos upset a lot of crew members. But now I'm well and truly in deep poop. My head is currently protruding through the Buggerall's planking, and I'm faced with the prospect of having to watch the Captain and Dora Piebottom 'gettin jiggy wid it' Meanwhile, the rest of me is stuck...
Read full story"Hang On A Minute," says God - "I Didn't Say That!"
Reports from heaven suggest that God is furious with Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury for 'putting words in his mouth'. According to the bearded Williams God 'will not give happy endings' God will not intervene to prevent huma...
Read full storyTwo late to ban teaching of students
it has emerged from the university of Oxbrains that it is to late to ban teaching of students. 'It's two late', ProfFessor Humphrey van Kretinov said, from his study in Eliza Dunlittle College, 'far to late, for the illegitemate righters and reade...
Read full storyNew Spandau Ballet single comes out
Minutes after the 1980s' pop band Spandau Ballet announced they were reforming, they brought out a single, and here are the lyrics: 'We want gold (gold!), to line our worn-out pockets To see our accountants smile again You're unbelievable Never believing, we are - Shit (shit!), crap that was crap even then We were so bad it was fun We're diabolical Never believing, we are - Hyped (h...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus to Star in True Grit Remake
The Coen brothers have announced plans to remake the John Wayne classic western, True Grit. Wayne won his only Oscar playing a "one eyed fat man" sheriff named Rooster Cogburn who helps a young girl (Kim Darby) avenge the murder of her father. The...
Read full storyTaleban invite Americans to Afghanistan, to show them how to kill prisoners in an as barbaric, Middle Ages' way as possible
In Afghanistan today, where the Taleban rule large parts of the country, that fundamentalist organisation invited Americans there to show them how to kill prisoners accused of murder. 'We've heard of the American way of dealing with murderers. Gas...
Read full storySpandau Ballet reform after 96 years
96 years after pop band Spandau Ballet first appeared on the world's stage, today they announced they were reforming. 'We're reforming', said singer Hermann Hessly, 'even though we may be a tad old for pop stars.' And guitarist Gary Kampf added: '...
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