PrezBO Newswire (Washington, DC)-Before your next extended undercover operation that culminates in a joint effort to insert tab a into slot b, Mr. and Ms. America, you better think twice. No, not about whether either of you has protection, or maybe an STD. You better think twice about what you're going to name the precious little about-to-be-conceived tax deduction. But, fear not! You government is here to help you!
Transforming American government, President Obama has masterminded a whole new branch of government, the Nomenclature. Cloned for the most part from the Legislature, this new arm of bureaucracy gives a whole new meaning to the term "name-calling."
Following the lead of other nations, such as India and Pakistan who have approved lists from which the names of all children born in those countries much be selected, Obama hopes to curry favor with such sovereigns and more equitably distribute American identities.
As part of the president's "stimulus" package, and as a means of regulating mandated national diversity goals, the nomenclature's main functioning body, the Bureau of Names and Middle Initials-or as it's more commonly referred to-BONAMI, has been created "to ensure that the names of future Americans will represent an evenly distributed accounting for every ancestral, ethnic, racial, cultural, historical and indigenous societal group listed on the standard United States Census Form."
While conservative critics vehemently protest the arbitrary usurping of the heretofore unrestricted parental right to decide for themselves the what to call their offspring, economists on both sides of the aisle agree that BONAMI brings with it thousands and thousands of new jobs.
Starting at the very highest levels of the government name game, a pool of "second chancers" from previously disqualified, disgraced or disregarded cabinet nominees will form the nucleus of the U.S. naming nobility. Subject to final review by the president himself, the approved list of names will be published officially as an addendum to the U.S. Constitution, negating the need for a Constitutional Convention.
Under the provisions of the National Naming Act of 2009, henceforth every maternity ward and birthing clinic in every city across the country will have an official moniker monitor in place to approve and certify nubile names selected by neonates' new parents.
Whodathunkit?! Thanks to the observant Obama organization, there's really no down-side to this monumental multi-purpose magic. The economy gets a boost with the new, perpetual jobs created. And parents are relieved of a major burden in the realm of family planning.
Jump back, junior. Not any more, name plus numeral. Step aside, Shamiaqua. And you might as well burn those pricey books full of trendy, chic, out there names from yesteryear, the barrio or the barnyard. Come to think of it, since you won't have two nickels to rub together after this administration gets through with you, you might need to burn those books just to stay warm in winter, since you won't be able to pay for utilities, your mortgage, food, clothing, health care…