Australia, A Stinker Of A Film

Funny story written by K.C. Bell

Thursday, 26 March 2009

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The film Australia appears to be the bastard child of Gone With The Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Empire Of The Sun and Out Of Africa. Money and talent was wasted on a tedious, cliche driven film with Wile E. Coyote bad guys chasing Road Runner good guys across Australia. Missing cliche: unsuspecting heroine eating barbecued rat while wranglers double over in laughter.

Even with the Stonehenge performance of Robert Redford in Out of Africa, (role should have gone to Jeremy Irons) at least the African landscape was beautiful. The Australian countryside resembled moonscape. Eventually, with cliches exhausted, the movie came to an end.

Nicole Kidman must go to kissing school. There was a total absence of passion when approaching Hugh Jackman, almost as though she just finished eating a whole jar of marmite, and whoops.

Hugh Jackman also seemed to have his doubts about the big smoocher; probably remembering that Nicole was married to Top Gun Tom Cruise for ten years, and when opening his eyes he might find Katie Holmes, Penelope Cruz or Mimi Rogers. Who is Mimi Rogers? Cruise wife number one who was so good in Someone To Watch Over Me, but Soprano's psychiatrist, actress Lorraine Bracco, who used to be married to Harvey Keitel, won the day by killing the villain. Whew.

In previous roles, Nicole Kidman was convincing as Virginia Woolf, while Hugh Jackman became Wolverine. Jackman looked uncomfortable on a horse, riding the withers, almost wrapped around the horse's neck. Nichol Kidman started out as a English doll-like character, luggage loaded with lingerie, exploding open during a bar fight, panties a flying all over the place.

But predictably, by film's end, she was transformed into a true salt of the earth, Sheila, waving Hugh off into the sunset, he still riding the horse's withers, a harmonica playing Over The Rainbow. The best thing about the scene was that, mercifully, it was the last scene of the movie.

The best film about Australia is We Of The Never Never, made in 1982. A classic with unique characters and story.

And not a hint of marmite.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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