WASHINGTON DC - Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner has been seen by department staffers practicing a flea training routine, using a small three-ring circus on a side-desk in his office.
Two Treasury insiders spoke on condition of anonymity.
"At first I thought there was nothing there-that he was just pretending that there were fleas. When I looked, I couldn't see the fleas, but he performed so well and made some objects move around, so that I really couldn't tell. Finally, I accepted the idea that there must be fleas in there," said Dee Valyou, a secretary.
Phil Errup, one of the hundreds of new employees hired to keep track of government bond issues, said that he asked Geithner whether he was developing a sideline in case his job at Treasury doesn't work out. "The Secretary told me that flea training is good practice for his job, and he uses it to understand money and the Congress better."
Fleas live only for a short time and hence training of fleas is an ongoing requirement. This is good practice for training Congress members to go along with trillion-dollar bail-outs and expanded powers.
Fleas are trained not to jump by keeping them in a container with a lid, while Congressmen are trained not to speak up by keeping them in a container called a committee.
Once trained, the fleas are harnessed by carefully wrapping a thin gold wire around the neck. A similar gold wire is wrapped around the necks of Congressmen. The gold is supplied by various interest groups called PACs, as the government no longer holds any gold reserves. Once in the harness the Congressmen usually stay in it for life.
The harnesses are attached to the props of government, and the strong mouths of the Congressmen allow them to move objects significantly larger than themselves. Chemicals such as truth serum that repel Congressmen are placed on lightweight balls and the Congressmen flail their arms about to get them away; this makes the Congressmen look like they are juggling legislation or gesturing in debate.
There are recent historical reports of Congressmen glued to the House floor. Instruments such as budget bills and ballpoint pens were then glued to the Congressional performers and the floor was heated. The Congressmen fought to escape, giving the impression that they were vigorously marking up and examining the bills.
As to managing money, Geithner noted to Errup that some monetary units, like the dollar, may appear to represent real wealth, but actually don't.
A variety of electrical, magnetic and mechanical devices have been used to augment flea circus exhibits. In some cases these mechanisms are responsible for all of the "acts," with loose fleas in the exhibit maintaining the illusion. In like manner, some real metal coins are issued to maintain an impression of value.
Some "flea circuses" do not contain any fleas at all and the experience and skill of the performer convinces the audience of their existence. Geithner said that perfecting this skill is an absolute necessity before discussing our current fiscal condition.