Queen dissolves Parliament - takes charge.
In an unexpected but welcome development, Queen Elizabeth II has called the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to Buckingham Palace and told him to "Piss Orf". Her Majesty has decided that, as an 105-year-old veteran of a large number of Prime Minister...
Read full storyBritain tops World League
Plucky little Great Britain has come out Numero Uno in a hotly contested competition to be the Most-Feared-By-Paranoid-old-Twats-In-Turbans! The entire world was entered in the race, but this Sceptre'd Isle breasted the tape ahead of the pack.
Read full storyTop Fifteen Signs That You'll Know Fall Has Arrived In New York City
15. Plumbers, sewer workers and garbage men begin wearing shirts again. 14. Lots of snoring noises coming from the dumpsters. 13. Ed Asner gets ready to hibernate after filling up on fat. 12. Pretty brown and gold chalk used for chalk outlines of bodies on the sidewalks. 11. Wino herds headed south. 10. Squirrels, police make sure their nuts are all stored away. 9. Hookers dress...
Read full storyWimbledon 2009 Drama As US Tennis Fans Taken To Plough Lane
There was more controversy at the 2009 All England Championships this afternoon, as four American tennis enthusiasts heading for Wimbledon were the victims of an ignorant Kosovan taxi driver, who mistakenly took the quartet to Plough Lane, home of th...
Read full storyLaporta Gets No Respect; Torpedos Villa Transfer To Real
Weeks after Real Madrid's summer draft coup with the signing of superstr strikers Kaka and Ronaldo, Barça president, Joan Laporta, is still reeling from the aftermath. "What's wrong with these people?" fumed Laporta to a roomful of tabloid reporte...
Read full storyGrunting Tennis Ace Serves Up A Set Of Problems
Female tennis starlet Michelle Lopez De Lopez Fernandez Lopez has caused a major stir in the tennis world due to the noises she makes during each game. The Portugese teenager grunts very loudly during each point and some opponents and spectators have...
Read full storyTerrorist Cornered In Violent New Mexico Shoot Out
Breaking news appears to indicate that a violent terrorist was involved in a shoot out as he was pursued by two writers from the satirical website TheSpoof.com. The writers, named only as Morse and Buck in communications were thought to be on a hu...
Read full storyRejoice - Next Tuesday Is National Porn Day!
Adult males of the world were today granted free rein to do what they usually do when their wives go out shopping, but they never really admit to. In a world summit in Geneva, world leaders such as Barack Obama and Kim Jong Il, told husbands and b...
Read full storyScientists Discover Infinite Funding
Mexico City, Mexico - A team of physicists from Michigan Technological University (MTU) in Houghton and the National University of Mexico in Mexico City, Mexico have discovered that big drops of rain fall more slowly on average than small drops. Thes...
Read full storyTina Turner Leaves Chris Brown's To Drop By Hospital
The queen of rock and roll, some say, Tina Turner took a break from her normal activities after visiting with Chris Brown over the past weekend to drop by the nearby hospital for a checkup. "It's really nothing", she told reporters through her puf...
Read full storyThe Revolution will Not be Televised - It will be Twittered!
Los Angeles, California - Hundreds, if not thousands, of news directors around the world are opening Twitter accounts today trying to download information on the recent Iranian election protests taking place there, because all other traditional media...
Read full storyMan Who Is Tired Of Getting Crap All Over The Souls Of His Feet Decides To Clean Up A Bit
Sedona, Arizona - A man in Sedona, Arizona who is tired of getting crap all over the bottom of his bare feet has decided to clean up his place. Rodney Brewster, a former resident of Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, moved to a small apartment on...
Read full storyMan Utd sign Barry Chuckle.
Manchester United have dipped into the transfer market and made what is arguably the signing of the century. Barry "Tash" Chuckle has always been know as a children's comedian but Sir Alex Ferguson spotted his talent whilst watching German Pornograph...
Read full storyBankrupt Six Flags Amusement Park Company To Partner With Qantas
New York, USA - Currently in bankruptcy proceedings, Six Flags amusement park company has announced that it wants to partner with Qantas airline by taking over their Australia to Indonesia routes. "We feel," said Six Flags representative Durk Sme...
Read full storyHalifax Ant Infestation Worries Beatle
Halifax, Canada- An ant infestation in Halifax, Nova Scotia has Beatle, Paul McCartney, worried. The world-renowned tune smith and musician is set to play Halifax on July 11th. "I can't stand insects," stated Paul. "...and apparently these are Eur...
Read full storyPerez Hilton Assaulted In Toronto - City Goes On Strike
Toronto, Canada - Perez Hilton, famed celebrity gossip columnist in Canada for a music industry awards show, was assaulted by part of his plated dinner. As a result, city employees, in support of the gay icon, have all gone on strike. Said Perez...
Read full storyNew Speaker of the House of Commons Elected
With all eyes on who was going to get elected into the job of Speaker of the House of Commons, nobody seemed to notice that the job description had been changed. The role that John Bercow now takes up is significantly different from that carried out...
Read full storyMan Forgets What He Was Doing
Brighton man, Sidney Sprocket, today admitted that he'd forgotten what he was doing. The incident took place this afternoon while Sprocket 84, was watching 'Dickinson's Real Deal' on the telly. "I don't rightly recall what happened," Sprocket told...
Read full storyTwilight Movie, New Moon, Release Postponed?
News from Hollywood this morning is that the long anticipated Twilight Movie Sequel "New Moon" may be postponed, if only for a few weeks, or possibly more. "This is the worst thing", stated a movie rep. "We have fans waiting for this movie for al...
Read full storyOprah Recommended Bio-Identicals May Be Snake Oil
Santa Barbara, Ca - Bioidentical estrogen, or 'Bioidenticals' have seen an uptick in popularity now that they have been given the green light by celebrities such as Oprah Winfrey and Suzanne Somers. But do they really work, and what are the side effe...
Read full storyHermann Goring grilled by Parliamentary committee
Following British political parties' and Parliamentary committees' successful and ruthless investigation and punishment of many of their MPs for defrauding taxpayers, and for lying and cheating and stealing, it was announced today that Parliament wou...
Read full storyGrumpy Old Attention Seeking Git Contributes To Satirical Website
Nobody has any idea why, but a grumpy old attention seeking git has inexplicably decided to contribute to satirical website TheSpoof.com Established Spoof writers would appear to believe that the grumpy old git's stories about Manchester United FC...
Read full storyHarry ordered to get himself an American Big Oil bride
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): "Of course the House of Ratzinger prime directive still applies," crazed Buckingham Palace Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon confirmed today, "but this is an emergency and only a Big Oil bride will do." Luce-Can...
Read full storyWimbledon 2009 Drama As Ball-Boy Found To Be Overage
A South-East Asian newspaper reports today that, as this year's Wimbledon Tennis Championships swung into action, an off-court drama is unfolding concerning a ballboy who, it claims, has been found to be 'overage'. The Bangkok Post report says tha...
Read full storyHillary interrogated under anaesthetic
Washington AC/DC - (ReUterus): An emergency hysterectomy under general anaesthetic proved the ideal moment for the CIA to grill US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton last weekend. Billed by the Seedy Sinai Clinic as a routine elbow pinning op fol...
Read full storyWicked Wanda's Sex Shop Closed Down
Authorities here in Venice Beach Ca. have withdrawn the operating license for Wicked Wanda's Sex Shop following numerous complaints from customers. "I bought the wife a vibrator from there," Purkiss Buttfock told us. "It was just all wrong. When s...
Read full storyAre You Many Making Plans To Die This Winter?
With the latest unrest around the world and more radical nations having access to nuclear weapons, people are slowly getting it through their heads that this coming winter could be their last. "All it takes is for one nuclear blast to a major city...
Read full storyMan Suicidal After Selling Durutti Column LP
A Hull man was described by men in white coats as "suicidal" today after he sold his prized possession - a limited edition copy of the much-sought-after Durutti Column album The Return Of The Durutti Column - on eBay for a fraction of its real worth.
Read full storyPerez Hilton: "I've Been Assaulted By A Pea!"
Toronto, Canada - Famous celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton, here for a Canadian music video awards show, is claiming to have been assaulted by a pea; and a green one at that, causing him to bleed actual blood. Police are investigating the allegatio...
Read full storyIt's Wimbledon, So It's Pissing Down. Obvious Really.
The meteorological phenomenon that is Wimbledon starts today. It's June, midsummer, but it makes no difference because it's Wimbledon fortnight so it's bound to piss with rain for two weeks, to the delight of Michael Fish and everybody at the Met Off...
Read full storyWimbledon 2009 Drama As Woman Eats Too Many Strawberries
There was real controversy in SW19 this morning, as a woman who was waiting in the queue to get in to the 2009 Wimbledon Tennis Championships was rushed to hospital after eating, what has been described by medical staff as, "an enormous quantity of s...
Read full storyWimbledon 2009 Drama As Queue Stretches Around The Corner
As the 2009 Wimbledon tennis championships finally get under way this afternoon, there was real drama in SW19 this morning, as the queue of people waiting to get in to see the opening match grew and grew and grew - and eventually stretched all the wa...
Read full storyAdam Lambert: Man With World's Largest "Mangina?"
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Sympathetic North American Idol fans, in a show of support for this year's runner-up Adam Lambert, voted the rising star "The Man With the World's Largest Mangina." The honorary title was bestowed upon him by means of votes cast at...
Read full storyThe Yeoperson's Story
Stardate: WTF? Yeoman Bitters flipped through a well loved back issue of a publication called Kinky Klingons in the ship's library. The Starship Enterprise's "library" was in actuality a massive collection of porn mags ranging from relitavly tame Star Sluts to vomit inducing 2 Vulcans, 1 Cup. Why am I here? yeoman Bitters wondered for the umpteenth time. She closed the magazine (which sh...
Read full storyFoxy Knoxy Stuns Courtroom; Knife Doesn't Fit
Accused murderess Foxy Knoxy looked just about convicted and on her way to a lifetime in an Italian prison where the cuisine is often excellent but has seriously substandard lodging. That was until a new piece of evidence was revealed in a dramatic p...
Read full storyMormon BYU Students Sue State for Moose Damage
Two Brigham young University Mormon students are bring suit against the State of Utah for dorm room damage done by a renegaded moose. The zoology majors told reporters that they were just lounging around their dorm room naked when a wild moose burst...
Read full storyMichelle Obama's garden not so organic
WASHINGTON DC-Produce from the White House organic garden has been found to contain several commonly used pesticides, forcing the First Lady to come clean. Lettuce and cherry tomatoes carried home from a White House organic garden harvesting event...
Read full storyNude Beach Forbids Lewd Conduct
Muir Beach, CA. - A notorious and long tolerated nude beach has come under fire from neighbors who are objecting to lewd conduct being engaged in by naked bathers. Lifelong visitors to the clothing-free swim area are having a hard time understandin...
Read full story"Magic Fingers" Inventor Strangled to Death
Brilliant and eccentric inventor John Joseph Minetailings achieved fame and fortune in his basement laboratory while working on developing a new and better vibrator. Minetailings embedded a vibrator in a motel style bed and hooked it up to a coin ope...
Read full storyEnsign's Ensign Stood at Attention
Senator John Ensign, the moralistic scourge of the fellatioed President Clinton and the toe tapping queer Republican Larry " Airport John" Craig, apparently was playing hide the weasel with a friend and trusted employee's wife through many of his ser...
Read full storyMan Shows Off World's Smallest Pens
ROCKVILLE, MD - Tony Blackwell has the world's smallest pens, as verified by the Guiness Book of World Records. When asked how he managed to have the world's smallest pens, Tony stated his strange circumstance was 'inherited from his father.' Pic...
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