New Speaker of the House of Commons Elected

Funny story written by Roy Turse

Monday, 22 June 2009

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With all eyes on who was going to get elected into the job of Speaker of the House of Commons, nobody seemed to notice that the job description had been changed. The role that John Bercow now takes up is significantly different from that carried out by Michael Martin.

In the past the job has centred on chairing debates and has had a secondary role in protecting parliament. However, in light of the MPs' expenses scandal, the second part of the job has been toughened up.

From now on the job will entail policing the activities of MPs and keeping them on the straight and narrow. Although this will usually entail verbal rebukes, the Speaker is now entitled use the ceremonial mace to bring MPs into line. This will usually consist of waving it at errant Members, but a newly fitted electric shock attachment will allow actual punishments to be administered.

It is now likely that the traditional call of "Order, Order!" in the House will be replaced by the Speaker shouting "Taser, Taser, Taser!"

A red dot laser sighting mechanism will allow the Speaker to accurately target the 50,000 Volt mace on the politician that is to be censured. MPs are being encouraged to cheer the administering of punishments to cover up any screaming, and the House of Commons' air conditioning will be ramped up to quickly remove the smell of burning flesh.

The new role is already being called 'Spanker of the House of Commons' by some MPs.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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