Female tennis starlet Michelle Lopez De Lopez Fernandez Lopez has caused a major stir in the tennis world due to the noises she makes during each game. The Portugese teenager grunts very loudly during each point and some opponents and spectators have complained.
Former Wimbledon champ Martina Navtwattilova said "When I am watching tennis the last thing I want is a young athletic girl moaning as if in ecstasy........er perhaps I'm being a bit too hasty."
Scientists say that the player is the loudest ever to appear at Wimbledon. Professor Buster Mottram of the Neo Nazi Science Institute said "Bugger me with a fish fork! This girl was so loud I couldn't even hear my Motorhead album."
Will the noise dominate the Championships or will a British player win a match? This is the vital question which will dictate the coverage in the nation's newspapers.
Will Andy Murray be the British Ace or the Scottish loser? And will Cliff Richard ever bugger off? Look we put a bloody roof up to get rid of you!
Latest score from ladies singles: Sexalova Ooh Ahh Revelalotic Ahh Oooh.