White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty Promises Issues Daily Press Release
The White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty Promises issued the following statement for Tuesday, July 28th, 2009: "On this day, a day like any other day in our free and racially equal land where things like a man's birth place and skin color don'...
Read full storyCalifornia Bi-Athlete Tries for Dual Titles: Fudge Packing/Weenie Gulping!
San Francisco, California/Wrinkled Scrotum News - Due to the recent $26B state Bankruptcy , local Fudgies are rooting for one of their own in this internationally acclaimed Fudge Packing Event, and hope other ass holes flocking to the event wil...
Read full storyWorld Champion Fudge Packer Admits He Wanted to Be a Cowboy
Thomas Craig, formerly of San Fagcisco but now in Washington, D.C., is the current title holder World Champion Fudge Packer. In a meeting in the White House Press Room to introduce him as a new worker in the White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty...
Read full storyWorld Champion Fudge Packer Moves to Washington D.C.
Thomas Craig, world champion fudge packer from San Fagcisco, California, has taken a presidential appointment and will be relocating to Washington, D.C.. Craig, who will work in the White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty Promises, is excited by th...
Read full storyWorld Fudge Packing Champion to Appear on Oprah Winfrey
Thomas Craig, winner of the World Fudge Packing Championships, will appear on the Oprah Winfrey talk show this week. The news was announced by show spokesperson Barbarbara Gurt. Craig, a native of San Fagcisco, was excited by the prospects of app...
Read full storyLa Toya Jackson Wants Barney Miller To Investigate Michael Jackson's Murder
Los Angeles, CA La Toya Jackson had a press conference outlining her wish to have several famous names in law enforcement and crime investigation to come forward and aid in the investigation of the murder of her brother, Michael Jackson. Ms. Jacks...
Read full storyJackson nominated for Nobel Piss Prize
Cyberspace - (Wacko Jacko Mess): An internet campaign is petitioning to give Michael Jackson a posthumous Nobel Piss Prize for supplying the LAPD with a DNA sample via an involuntary opening of both the urethral and external anal sphincters. Hunrd...
Read full storyLocal Man to Compete in World Fudge Packing Championship
(Newsdesk, San Fagcisco, California) Local champion Thomas Craig is nervous about his competition this week as he contends for a world title. "When I look at the other men, it just makes me so twittery and spastic," said Craig. "I just hope that my...
Read full storyInnovative Canadian Automobile runs on Meat Pellets
Ottawa - Canada has long lagged behind the US and Asia in development of innovative modes of transportation. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper now believes that the latest technological developments engineer by Canadian scientist will leap frog the old internal combustion engine and bring Canada much deserved fame and fortune. Developed in conjunction with the Royal and Ancient Association...
Read full storyPork And Cheese Lady Disputes Pigs Recollection Of Henry Gates Break-in
Cambridge, MA - A lady of Pork And Cheese descent, the caller who dialed 911 on that uppity Harvard professor, Henry Gates, is claiming the Pigs are lying when they say she identified Professor Gates as a black dude. Ms. Whelan, the caller, says...
Read full storyDoctors Warn Of New Swine Flu Source
Doctors in the United States and Liechtenstein have come to the same conclusion, the Swine Flu can now be spread by sending messages through the internet. In fact, this very message has given you a 50/50 chance of it but how would you know if it was...
Read full storyWedding Aisle Dancers Kicked Off Dancing with the Stars
New York, NY - The entire wedding party dancers from the now infamous wedding of Kevin and Jill Heinz have been thrown off Dancing With the Stars on ABC when it was learned that they were scheduled to be finalists on So You Think You Can Dance on...
Read full storyMcDonald's Ronald Quits!
The worldwide fast-food outlet's Ronald McDonald has unmasked himself after being abused on the internet by hundreds of children via his Facebook homepage. The Man behind the make-up said to the President/Director of McDonalds "I have been abused...
Read full storyPeter Andre tells Jordan to go F*ck Herself
ATPN, London - Peter Andre, spurned lover of former page 3 silicone ridden Jordan IfThePriceIsRight (aka Katie), vowed this week to sue the bitch for hinting that he'd hidden another lover in the dungeon of their Brighton lovenest. "What she's sai...
Read full storyWacko Jacko's Faux Nose Repo'ed!
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA Citing witnesses who saw the late King of Pop Michael Jackson's body on the autopsy table, a report in the August issue of the "Rolling Stone" magazine reveals that Jackson did indeed wear a prosthetic nose, and it was missing...
Read full storySpoof Writer Catches Wife 'At It' With Another Man
A writer for satirical website TheSpoof.com was released from police custody this morning after finding his wife in bed with another man. The writer was arrested following a vicious assault on his naked victim. Reports reached us that the writer...
Read full storyBritish Government to rename the Taliban
Gordon Brown's government have decided to rename the terrorist group "Taliban" to the friendlier sounding "Moderate Taliban". This is a major step forward in the government's policy of downgrading difficult situations with a more user friendly wo...
Read full storyTop 10 Reasons Why Michael Jackson Has Not Been Buried Yet
The top 10 reasons why Michael Jackson has not been buried yet are: 10. The family figures it can milk far more sympathy c.d. and memorabilia sales this way. In life, Michael Jackson struggled for decades to reach the record-smashing sales he achieved with 1983's landmark "Thriller" album. But since his unexpected passing on June 25 at the age of 50, the self-proclaimed King of Pop has once aga...
Read full storyPaula Abdul Replaced by Susan Boyle
The Fox Network has just reported that Paula Abdul is out and Susan Boyle is in as the next American Idol judge. When asked what she thought about spending a few months seated next to Simon Cowell, Boyle replied, "Well, if I can't have Piers, then I...
Read full storyMore Differences between an American and a Canadian
America fought a war to secure their freedom from England Canada prefers to remain as serfs to England and the 'royal family' America fought a Civil War to end the business practice of slavery introduced by England Canada prefers to remain as serfs to England and 'royal family' American citizens speak hundred of languages from around the world Canada's citizens, unable to understand eac...
Read full storyCrosby, Stills, Nash, & Young To Open For Adam Lambert
LOS ANGELES - The Stampeding Stallions Management Agency which manages the 70s icon band, Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young has just issued a news release stating that CSN&Y has signed to tour in September as Adam Lambert's opening act. The to...
Read full storyWorld War II: the real story
In mind blowingly staggering news, World War II has been exposed as a cinematic fake recreated on several Hollywood sound stages by directors including John Ford, Cecil B DeMille, Howard Hawks and even Charlie Chaplin. All the momentous events fr...
Read full storyLed Zepplin's Plant 'a train wreck waiting to happen'
London - (Toxic Mess): An addiction therapissed (sic) has slammed Led Zepplin frontman Robert Plant as a 'train wreck waiting to happen' after colliding with him on North London's notorious Harrowing Road. Dave Skag, crack counsellor with celeb re...
Read full storyNew posthumous Michael Jackson single causes uproar and cries of bad taste
As a testament to his concern for children worldwide, Michael Jackson has posthumously released an album of nursery rhymes, the proceeds from which are to go to children's charities throughout the world. Even Jonathan Ross, one of the UK's foremos...
Read full storyRe-scheduled Michael Jackson concerts announced
Following the recent death of pop star Michael Jackson from lack of breathing, the re-scheduling of his string of previously cancelled concerts has been announced. The tour kicks off in late August for a week at the 400,000-seat Zombie Stadium in...
Read full storyA Series of Unfortunate Events
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA A panel of top scientists which convened in Los Angeles this week has issued a unanimous statement in which they unequivocally attribute the recent series of unusual natural phenomena to the repeated attempted burials of the late...
Read full storyDanica Patrick Wins NASCAR'S Yucatan 800
X-CAN, Yucatan - Danica Patrick the first American female NASCAR driver to race in Mexico has just won The 2009 Yucatan 800. This is one of the most prestigious auto races in all of the Republic of Mexico. The Y-800 is sponsored by the makers of T...
Read full storyFlintoff Admits to Demons
Andrew Flintoff yesterday admitted what many had suspected for some time. In a remarkably frank interview in a darkened bar in the centre of Manchester, the 6'3" 32 stone fast drinker stated that he wanted to, "put some demons behind me." "Yes, I...
Read full storyGrumpy Geezer from Govan Glasgow
A Grumpy pensioner from Govan in Glasgow has caused major disputes between neighbours because he has complained about children and dogs. David McGregor fed up with dogs fouling in his garden and with pesky little gits who keep ringing his doorbell th...
Read full storyFelipe Massa Runs Into Michael Jackson's Nose - Crashes
Budapest, Hungary - Ferrari F1 driver Felipe Massa was hit by Michael Jackson's nose while doing time trials at the grand prix in Hungary this past weekend. He is currently in a drug induced (Propofol) coma after having undergone surgery to relieve s...
Read full storyThe Six Million Dollar Pop Star
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA The world was stunned today when concert promoters AEG unveiled their cyborg, the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Scavenging the portion of Jackson's brain previously in custody of the Los Angeles medical examiner's office,...
Read full storyThatcher Admits Her Hate List
Margaret Thatcher has finally admitted she hates the French, the Germans and anybody north of London. She hates the Welsh, the Irish, the Scots who she gave the poll tax to first and she further said she does not like geordies and believes they shoul...
Read full storyWhere's Wacko?
NYC, NY, USA The publishing industry was given fresh hope of recovery today when Martin Handford, British creator of the wildly popular "Where's Waldo?" series of children's books announced the release of a new series of books titles "Where's Wacko?"...
Read full storyTeleportation Device - The Great Prophet Nostradumbass
The Great Prophet Nostradumbass predicts that teleportation will be possible within the next sixty years. A hand helded device about the size of a mobile phone will be available to everyone to teleport to wherever they want on the planet. No more trying to find a parking space for your car in a busy city centre or waiting for hours on a bus only for ten to come at once.
Read full storySamantha Ronson & Lindsay Lohan On Us Weekly's Annual Swimsuit Issue
She [Samantha Ronson, people!] is on the cover of Us Weekly's annual swimsuit issue and she is Samantha Ronson! Oh, wait! There is also Lindsay Lohan! The two girls 'decided' according to execs in the magazine to do this photoshoot ''together beca...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Get Long In The Hair- Oh, Where's The Air?
Brat Miley Cyrus sported new hair extensions while enjoying a walk with new on/off boyfriend/unemployed artista, Javier Booboota, on July 27 in Toluca Lake, California. The 16-year-old actress hit up Ken Paveis' salon in West Hollywood last night.
Read full storyDr.90210: "Miley Cyrus Under The Knife Is Nothing New!"
In her few years on TV and on stage, doll Miley Cyrus has already done more than many other celebrities twice her age have accomplished; we're talking plastic surgeries here. Though, she star was lately quoted as saying, "My dad won't let me fix...
Read full storyUnder Pressure, Army Unleashes New Recruiting Campaign
With Defense Secretary Bobert (Bob) Gates calling for an increase of 22,000 soldiers, concerns are growing that the graying pitch of ARMY STRONG might not get the job done. "Though that guileless slogan had caught the eyes (and recruiter assiste...
Read full storyQueen Launches New Twitter Diary
Her Majesty The Queen announced yesterday that she is to launch her own entry on Twitter! "One is surrounded by buffoons, inbeciles and twits, and in a world where we are all equal, it is of great importance to me that my subjects have a glimpse i...
Read full storyChancellor wants Banks Money
The Chancellor Alistair Darling is to meet Bank Bosses today to persuade them to lend to small businesses. He said that banks are still not lending enough to small businesses and he is going to see the bank bosses to see if a scheme can be set up...
Read full storyCanadian Harpoon Ship
A cruise ship arrived at the Port of Vancouver with a dead whale lodged on its bow.Christine Gibson, a campaigner against the Canadian Seal slaughter is furious claiming that Canadians are now using Cruise Ships as harpoons. Christine claimed she...
Read full storyOlympic Funding Deficit
An investigation is underway as to why there is a 100 million pound funding deficit for the London Olympics of 2012. Some fundraisers are claiming the total was raised so they are mystified as to why 100 million seems to be missing. A spokesper...
Read full storyLumley Declared Queen
Gurkha rights campaigner Joanna Lumley got a heroes welcome in Nepal yesterday because of her campaign to allow Gurkhas to stay in the UK. Lumley is to be declared Queen of Nepal and will start her campaign to bring the entire population of Nepal...
Read full storyJoanna Lumley Arrested In Nepal
Actress Joanna Lumley has been arrested by police after arriving in Nepal for a week-long visit. Hundreds of protestors - among them scores of Gurkha veterans - gathered to voice their anger at the former Absolutely Fabulous star who was single-ha...
Read full storyOne Star Bandit Hunted Down In North Carolina
The notorious TheSpoof.com one star bandit was today tracked down to a motel in North Carolina by a self confessed stupid drunk-most-of -the time Spoof contributor known as Skoob 1999. As the cops screeched up in a variety of vehicles, Skoob, a du...
Read full storyMuslims Are Correct About Pigs
The Western world is agreeing with the Muslim world this morning after the Swine Flu epidemic pandemic virus has threatened to infect everyone on the Earth due to Westerners eating too much pigs. In Islam people are not allowed to eat pork because...
Read full storyFlorida Bans The Phrases 'See You Later Alligator' and 'After A While Crocodile'
SARASOTA, Florida - PETA has won yet another battle. Dr. Oliver V. Chamski director of the Florida branch of PETA said that after a long fought battle the Florida supreme court has finally ruled in favor of PETA's demand that the state prohibit its c...
Read full storyNicolas Sarkozy Identified As Source Of Swine Flu
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been identified as the source of Swine Flu in France after he was taken ill whilst out jogging in Paris today. The 54-year-old pig was running around the Chateau of Versailles, when he started to have convulsio...
Read full storyKate and Octomom the New Pitt and Jolie
Celebrity's newest couple, Kate Gosselin and Octomom, are quickly becoming the new Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie when it comes to adoption. By joining forces, sources close to the couple say that it is almost certain that Kate will adopt Octomom'...
Read full storyJack Meoff dead at 69: Conservative MP's death a "Toss Off-Toss Up" says ME
Conservative MP Jack Meoff was found dead in his London flat Sunday, the apparent victim of a "Toss Off," said the Queen's Medical Examiner, Sir Ron Paul VI. "Whether or not Jack Meoff died as a result of excessive masturbation is, at this time, unk...
Read full storyOctomom and Kate Create 'Momopoly' on Reality Shows
Octomom, and Kate Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, have joined forces to create what may be the first momopoly of motherhood-related reality shows. With 22 kids between them, they've decided to pool the insane amounts of money being thrown at th...
Read full storyFrench President, Sarkozy, Hospitalized with Erection Lasting Over 4-hours
Paris, France - French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, collapsed while jogging today. Reports are that it was shortly after he and his wife Carla Bruni-Sarkozy had a lover's quarrel over lovemaking. Sarkozy disclosed to his attending physician at the hos...
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