Under Pressure, Army Unleashes New Recruiting Campaign

Funny story written by W.P. Wonder

Monday, 27 July 2009

With Defense Secretary Bobert (Bob) Gates calling for an increase of 22,000 soldiers, concerns are growing that the graying pitch of ARMY STRONG might not get the job done.

"Though that guileless slogan had caught the eyes (and recruiter assisted signatures) of America's functional illiterati," claimed General York Azismine, X.O. of the U.S. Army Recruiting Command, "we see this mandate as a chance to not only grow but diversify our ranks. Have our troops better reflect America's poly-social populace."

However, the Army doesn't plan to stray too far from an approach that has worked fairly well, cautioned the General.

"We still want that magically sparse language approach. But instead of one catch phrase that densely barks ruggedness, we'd like to try out other simplistic slogans which nonetheless speak in broader tones and, hopefully, lure a greater number of prospects."

So, the General revealed, a first new lingoistic approach was set to go live, a second dependent on action from the new Commander in Chief, a third tied to further societal evolution, with a fourth in reserve . . . in case the first three don't go quite right:

1) For the potential recruits who are loathed to forgo risqué undergarments for dreadful granny briefs and sterile boxer and jockey shorts, there's ARMY THONG.

2) With "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" on the verge of extinction, ARMY DONG evokes endless scintillating possibilities.

3) And all that hollering about outrageous medicinal and tax benefits in the offing for a certain type of weed, who knows, a few years down the line, there'll be ARMY BONG.

4) Lastly, if the core of the present day Army don't at all care for the newcomers and threaten to vote with their combat boots, then there'll be ARMY WRONG.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more