X-CAN, Yucatan - Danica Patrick the first American female NASCAR driver to race in Mexico has just won The 2009 Yucatan 800. This is one of the most prestigious auto races in all of the Republic of Mexico.
The Y-800 is sponsored by the makers of Tio Tito Tequila, Tia Chia's Casa-Made Refried Beans, The Chepito Chavez Rent-To-Own Chevy Dealership, and the nation-wide chain of Hot-As-Hell Hacienda's of Ill-Repute.
Miss Patrick, a 27-year-old beauty who resides in Scottsdale, Arizona, stayed at the luxurious Matador's Cape Hotel. Danica's Spanish is limited to several words including enchiladas, guacamole, A-Rod, margaritas, 'Yo quiero Taco Bell,' chi-chis, Salma Hayek, cerveza, and tequila.
The Mexican NASCAR Organization graciously provided her with her own personal interpreter. His name is Lapizero Desperado and he has an interpreters degree from El Colegio Golfo de Mexico (Gulf of Mexico College) in Tampico, Mexico.
Desperado is considered by many to be the best translator in Latin America. He has served as official translator for several notably high level visiting Americans including Condoleezza Rice, Clay Aiken, Kobe Bryant, Ann Coulter, and most recently The San Diego Chicken.
Lapizero said that The San Diego Chicken was the nicest. He added that it was also his easiest ever translating job. He laughed and said that it is very easy to translate cluck-cluck. It's clucko-clucko.
Desperado was interviewed by Ty Topsy, a reporter for NASCAR's official publication, Left, Left, Left. Topsy asked him which American had given him the most trouble.
Senor Desperado, who's English is improving every day immediately answered, "The mostest trubble I has, eat was weeth dat long-legged skinny ass beech Angela Coulter."
"You mean Ann Coulter."
"Jes, dat's wat I tells ju, Angelina Coulter"
"Dat tall dreenk of bottled water has de cumbined personality of Kim Jong Il and Hitler. And the beech, chi can cuss like chit."
"Oh, jes. Eat seems like ebry udder werd is chit dis and chit dat. Chi also says mudder fokker a lot of dimes...I'm sorry I meant to say times. Sometimes my ingleesh is not as too gooder as my German, French, or Zimbabwean. Tank ju too many."
When Topsy interviewed Miss Patrick he asked her how she felt being the first woman to ever win a NASCAR race in Mexico. Patrick replied that she was thrilled and that she has already received over 200 marriage proposals. She smiled and said that 197 were from men.
Danica stated that the people of Mexico are so nice, especially an individual named Bienvenido Guava who offered her the use of his 1971 Chevy taxi at no charge.
She was also very grateful to Garmendia Chapultepec who owns Garmendia Chapultepec's Pinatas for presenting her with a pinata in the likeness of Richard Petty.
The legendary race car driver has been extremely critical of Danica simply because she is a female.
When Ms. Chapultepec gave Danica the pinata she told her in somewhat broken English, "I gib to ju dis very nice and expensive pinata.
I know dat ju do not like Rishurd Pitty and dee maricon (sissy) he has said mean tings to ju like saying dat ju are just a girl, and dat ju don't shave jur legs, and dat ju pee standing up.
So when ju go back to jur casa (home) I want for ju to take the pinata stick and knock the eber libbing chit out of dee Rishurd Pitty pinata tank ju."
Danica also praised the Mexican drivers and mentioned how nice and polite they all were. She said that the second place finisher Nacho Papaya of Cancun invited her to have dinner with him and his wife Fajitina out at their 4,000 acre fighting bull ranch, Rancho Toro Poop.
The third place finisher Rico Pico, winner of last year's Taco Bell 600 in Mexicali offered for her to spend a week in his $1.9 million resort hacienda in Cozumel, La Hacienda Ha-Ha-Ha.
She thanked him but said that she really had to get back to the U.S. and do some spark plug wire shopping. She did tell Pico that maybe she could come back in October during The Annual Cozumel Tamale Cook-Off Invitational Festival and Burrito-Bob Contest.
SIDENOTE: Danica wants everyone to know that the photographs and subsequent video that surfaced on YouTube that purportedly shows her on the tropical beaches of Yucatan holding a 20-ounce can of Tecate Light Beer while wearing only a pair of Mexican huaraches (sandals) has been photoshopped.
She said that yes she was on the beach, but that she was not nude, she was wearing a pink bikini thong swimsuit from Victoria's Secret and she was holding a can of Coke Zero.