Highways Agency Reveals Solution To Black Ice
At a press conference earlier today, the Highways Agency announced the latest weapon in their fight against dangerous black ice on the nation's roads. It follows several days of widespread criticism of their failure to deal with the traffic chaos ca...
Read full storyQueen Victoria To Be Resurrected
Winchester-- The DNA of Queen Victoria is to be used to resurrect Her Highness for the 21st Century. The resurrection project is of the highest priority for Queen Elizabeth II. The current queen believes her son Charles and grandsons are not fit to...
Read full storyDavid Beckham in Sex Change Shocker
Football megastar David Beckham has been involved in a sex change scandal. His wife, Posh spice is said to be stunned at the news. The revelations come as his lawyers attempt to make his move AC Milan a done deal. Female fans across the globe wer...
Read full storyWills to be next King - Palace confirm
Prince William is to become the next King of England.A statement from Buckingham Palace today announced that against normal Royal protocol, the son of the next in line to the Throne would be taking the position when the current head, Her Majesty the...
Read full storyElton John is changing his name back to Reg Dwight
The music world was stunned to hear that Pop superstar Elton John is changing his name BACK to Reg Dwight. Elton who was born Reg Dwight in 1893 changed his name after gaining fame with his hit Killer Queen. John who famously sang the Chicken Son...
Read full storySatan retires, goals achieved
After several thousand years of mayhem, soul snatching, temptation, morality compromising, lust induction, and being the supreme causative factor in moving people to lie, cheat, rape, steal, and murder, Satan has decided to call it quits. Satan, a...
Read full storyFederer "I quit" - tennis world in shock
Roger Federer, until recently the worlds' no.1 tennis player, has decided to quit. The superstar, who was beaten by Spaniard Rafa Nadal in the Australian Open on Sunday, declared, "You know, I've really tried to play my best game this last year a...
Read full storyPalestinian and Israeli families in 'House Swap'
Two families in the Middle East, the Palestinians and the Israelis, appeared on British television show 'House Swap' this week. In the show, one family stays with another one for a week but but have to abide by the host family's house rules, then the...
Read full storyJames May to be deported
The television presenter James May is to be deported from Great Britain our sources tell us. The long haired Top Gear presenter who is nick named Captain Slow is in fact Nigerian. Mr May, 49, has been living in the UK under an assumed identity fo...
Read full storyItalians planning a gay old time in the Rugby Six Nations
The Italian Rugby Football Union, has announced a 30 man squad of completely GAY players for the start of this weekend's Six Nations Championship against England, throwing the tournament into disarray. Bernie Bollocki, Head of the Federation said...
Read full storySweet Homo Alabama
America is in a state of shock as Scientist's today proved that one of the strongholds of the Bible Belt, Alabama, is gay. The news comes as a complete surprise as the State itself is one of the many in Middle America famed for it's populace of in...
Read full storyCanine Relief
With the downcreditrecessionturncrunch biting hard (no pun intended), dog charity The Canine Protection League has decided to boost it's finances by holding a national fund raising day, after the style of Comic Relief. It is hoped that television...
Read full storyPope Benedict XVI May Have To Step Down
VATICAN CITY - President Obama isn't the only one being distracted with income tax problems. Rumors are circulating that Pope Benedict XVI may be forced from his papacy over tax issues, while, he was Archbishop of Munich and Freising. German autho...
Read full storyLap-Dancing Not Sexually Stimulating
According to an article in The Guardian, as the British government was poised last November to re-classify lap-dancing clubs from "entertainment" to "sexual encounter establishments" (imposing tougher licensing standards), the industry's trade associ...
Read full story"I've been healed! I've been healed!" cries Nurse
In St. Duffy's Hospital, Weston-Super-Mare a fully qualified District Nurse came running into the outpatients reception area exclaiming; "I've been healed! I've been healed!" Surprised onlookers recognised the woman as a colleague who had been suspe...
Read full storyEverton v. Liverpool FA Cuptie To Go To Penalty Shoot-Out, After Doubt Cast On 'Goal'
An emergency meeting of the FA at Lancaster Gate today, has decided that the FA Cup fourth round replay between Everton and Liverpool, should be taken to an extraordinary penalty shoot-out after severe doubt was cast on Everton's 'goal'. Viewers w...
Read full storyPattinson and Stewart: Together?
It seems that stars Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart , are together. The two were spotted hugging and laughing at an event in Wallenpaupack, Pennsylvania. "They are just friends. Nothing bad was going on. They're young, they have the right to ha...
Read full storyPrime Minister accused in love triangle.
We have been contacted by a person who wished to be known only as John who alleges that, as a young man, the future P.M. stole his girlfriend, known only as Miss J. After going out for awhile, Miss J announced that she had been seeing someone else as...
Read full storyBurton Albion to go straight into Premier League
Burton Albion who currently lead the Blue Square Conference by 745 points are to be promoted directly into the Premier League. The Chairman was unavailable for comment but would without doubt be delighted at the news. Burton Albion who have n...
Read full storyDon't Go Near Dangerous Dominiqua, Blackburn Blokes Warned
The Lord Mayor of Blackburn, Lancs, today issued a public statement advising the male of the species to 'avoid at all costs' a female Blackburn resident known only as Dominiqua. "Don't go to this woman's gaff, and under no circumstances allow her...
Read full storyChannel 4 forgets Big Brother celebs and leaves them in house
Red faced Channel 4 producers had to rush to the Celebrity Big Brother house last night after realising that they had not released the two finalists. The series ended two weeks ago but nobody was present as Ulrika Jonnson celebrated her victory.
Read full story"Guitar Hero Hero" Game Introduced
The makers of the "Guitar Hero" video game have introduced a new offering for kids who don't have the time to learn to play simulated instruments. The game, called "Guitar Hero Hero" promises to deliver all the fun of the original game without th...
Read full storyPresident Barack Obama's Prized Bong is Missing
White House security personnel admit that they are unable to locate President Barack Obama's $1,200.00 Roor Custom Little Sista Icemaster 7.0 Bong that appears to have been stolen from his dresser in his bedroom and they have few clues as to who may...
Read full storyAMTRAK Fast Tracked for $850M In Bailout Pork Conveys DEM Hogs to Fat Farm Retreat!
Williamsburg,Va/ Hypocrite News Flash - Greedy Democrats jumped aboard a privately chartered AMTRAK live stock train to take advantage of an all expensed vacation retreat to discuss the nation's "Economic Catastrophe", as labeled by President Obam...
Read full storyGordon Brown: 'My battle with Bulimia'
Tears flowed as Britain's Prime Minister Brown admitted that he is suffering from Bulimia. The PM gave an emotional response to a question about his recent weight loss during a press conference at 10 Downing Street. The snivelling PM said 'I t...
Read full storyCreationist Mythbusters, Episode 4
Today, my disciples, I will inform you about that guy we all want to meet, Derek. Why, you may ask, and that is a very pleasant question; you must be somewhat intellectual. I will tell you because I think it may do you good to hear a success story or two, about a life which could only have been lived by a creationist like me. I have a fantastic life. I was born in Texas, in America, in The New...
Read full storyJohn Terry - I'm No Ladyboy
England footballer John Terry has come out and denied that he is actually a cross dressing pervert. Recent revelations in the British gutter press suggested that 'Lucky' Lucy Smith was a looky-likey for the Chelsea captain. Strapping Big John...
Read full storyRoyal College of Arms Smuggling fire 'may be arson'
Shitty of London - (Ass Mess): Prince Charles is said to be hopping mad after a mystery fire that destroyed masses of carefully planted heraldic disinformation about the Puppet Monarchy's congenital addiction to arms smuggling was branded arson by po...
Read full storyCaptain Sullenberger's Plane "The Queen of The Hudson" Sold To Cuba
PENSACOLA, Florida - U.S. Airways has just informed CNN that they will be selling their A-320 Airbus Plane, which crash landed in the Hudson River to Trans Cuban Airways. U.S. Airways Vice President in Charge of Sales, Mandy McNulty said that the...
Read full storyGolliwog Row Rumbles On And On And On And On...
Following the sacking of Carol Thatcher for thoughtlessly referring to a leading tennis player (who cannot be named here for legal reasons, but who probably was Jo Wilfried Tsonga, although this has not been confirmed) the 'golliwog-gate scandal rumb...
Read full storyFA demand explanation for missed goal
The Football Association today contacted ITV and demanded to know how a goal was missed during a recent Premier League match. Their complaint relates to an incident when Amir Zaki missed an open goal in Manchester City's 1-0 win over Wigan on 17th J...
Read full storyThe UK's very own Super Bowl porn shambles
London - (Offside Mess): Last weekend's 69 second hard porn interruption of US Super Bowl XLIII was nothing as compared to the UK's very own televised football glitch last night. Two minutes before the end of extra time in the live FA Cup fourth r...
Read full storyPorsche AG buy the Moon
Stock markets around Europe were stunned as sports car maker Porsche AG announced they have bought the Moon. Previous lunar ownership claims by both NASA and the Russian Federal Space Agency were dismissed by Porsche's Chief Executive Wendelin Wie...
Read full storyJapanese Ponzi scam maestro bankrupts Emperor Akishit-Ho
Tokyo - (Hari Kari Mess): The Japanese royal family has gone bust after bent 'bedding' trader Kazutsugi Nami, dubbed Tokyo's very own Bernard Madoff Ponzi scam maestro -went down the swanee for $1.4bn. Emperor Akishit-Ho was L&G Investments CE...
Read full storyCalifornia legalises animaltronic marriage
Governor Schwarzenegger has stunned Californians by passing emergency legislation to allow legal marriage between animal puppet species. The move is thought to be in response to a legal challenge being mounted by Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy who...
Read full storyJesus would understand the recession says Tony Blair
Yale University, New Haven, Ct - (30 Pieces of Silver Mess): "And what's more He'd absolutely insist intellectual giants such as, er, myself! - employed as $5 million per annum JP Morgan Bank consultants - get their government-sponsored bail out bon...
Read full storyO'Connor is O'Ver The Hill
Popular (citation needed) TV personality (citation needed) Des Ormond Connor aka Des O' Connor has finally pissed on the last ember of his sanity today whilst in a London eatery. Startled onlookers could only stand agog as Des put down his slice...
Read full story'Mickey Mouse' lawyers to sue thousands for defamation
One of the largest and most expensive libel suits in world history has been filed at Grapefruit County Courthouse, California, by lawyers representing the cartoon character Mickey Mouse. The two and a half thousand page document is said to contain...
Read full storyMan Accused Of Fondling Himself In Front of Girls At WallyMart
A 39-year-old over man was indicted Tuesday on charges of sexually touching himself and rubbing against a movie display in front of two young girls last March in the video department of a Wally-Mart store in Dewbury. A Borris County grand jury han...
Read full storyThe (0-16) Detroit Lions To Slash Ticket Prices
DETROIT, Michigan - The Detroit Lions organization has announced that due to the teams dismal (0-16) record, which is the worst in the history of the NFL, they have decided to slash the ticket prices for the 2009-2010 season. Lions Executive Seni...
Read full storyKermit and Greenpeace clash on being green
Kermit the Frog has stunned his fans with claims that it isn't easy being green. His views have come as no surprise to fans of The Muppet Show. In a separate move, radical Greenpeace protesters have sailed the Gazguzzler, their massive former...
Read full storyStimulus Package To Include Free Viagra?
At this crucial juncture in the push to pass an economic recovery package, President Obama finds himself in the most unlikely of places: He is losing the message war. Despite Obama's high personal approval ratings, polls show support has declined...
Read full storyLiverpool to sell Gerrad - After angry bust up with Benitez
A furious Rafael Benitez has lashed out against his own captain Steven Gerrard after the pair clashed earlier today. As news filtered out that Gerrad will be out of action for three weeks with damaged hamstrings, the Liverpool boss lost his cool.
Read full storyCulture Club singer caught with his trousers down
The prison service refused to comment on reports that Boy George was the prisoner involved in an escape attempt this afternoon. The prisoner believed to be the former 80's superstar was caught with his trousers down in the toilets attempting to f...
Read full storyHard Times? Game shows For Homeless People!
The three major United States television networks have announced their new spring schedules, all of which are heavy on game shows whose target audiences are homeless people.The most promising shows so far are those based on familiar themes. Here's a sample: Are You Smellier Than a Fifth Grader? Audience members try to decide who smells worse, a homeless person or a fifth-grade boy fresh out...
Read full storyNightclubber Arrested Over Football Allegations
England and Manchester City nightclub-drinker Micah Richards has been arrested by police following allegations that he took part in a Premiership football match. Richards, 20, is an up-and-coming star of the Premiership nightspot scene, and has so...
Read full storyFree PC for over eighty fives
The Government has announced that all pensioners over the age of eighty five are to be given free PC equipment. A spokesman for the government said "Quite frankly these old folks are letting the side down when it comes to improving our level of c...
Read full storyJenson Button sues Button for Button
In a story bound to shock the world (or at least bits of the first world) Formula One also ran (thank you) Jenson Button is suing the makers of the movie "The curious case of Benjamin Button" as well as the estate of F. Scott Fitzgerald, who wrote th...
Read full storyMPs Mass Release
After an embarrassed government were informed that opposition MPs bringing the governments faults to the public eye, and trying to get them removed from office at the next election was not in fact sedition or treason and therefore illegal all the imp...
Read full storySuicide becomes politically correct
Religious leaders, politicians, representatives of the mental health field, and candidates for suicide across the U.S. gathered this week to discuss the finer points, and techniques of suicide at a convention held in Detroit, Michigan. Those at t...
Read full storyObama Unveils New Statue in DC to Commemorate Commitment to "Ethics"!
Washington,DC/ Septic City News-All the News Fit to Flush - President Obama presided over a festive, but private, Democratic happening on the White House lawn with the dramatic unveiling of a bronze statue commissioned to reinforce the Democratic Val...
Read full storyDaschle's Lament: A Poem
Ode to Daschle and Obama on the Eve of Their Mutual Embarassment Daschle, the Cabinet-hopeful, said, "To hell with paying the tax. I'm huge, I'm great, I'm God's Gift So I'll just 'phony' the facts." Obama said, "Fine with me," 'Til he was hurt by all the fuss, That's when he picked up Daschle And threw him under the bus. The End...
Read full storyKit Kats Banned
The four fingered chocolate snack Kit Kat has been banned from UK sale. This follows a request from the RSPCA that children were actually confusing real Kitty Cats with the biscuit base snack. The RSPCA explained that falling education standards w...
Read full storyCabinet Snow Fight
The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown was enraged this week when the entire British Cabinet failed to show up for work. Mrs Darling, the mother of Alistair Darling rang the Prime Minister to explain that he had had a party the previous the night at hi...
Read full storyObama: Superbowl Porn was gift to my love Amy
President Obama has disclosed that the porn clip that interrupted the Superbowl for viewers in Arizona was actually a gift to his secret love, Amy Winehouse. As the Arizona Cardinals scored a touchdown, keen fans in Tuscon were then presented with...
Read full storyLondoners hit by a second Blitz - of snow
The city of London, hit by attacks from the air by the Luftwaffe in the 1940s, was hit again by an even more dangerous aerial enemy today - snowflakes. 'It was bleedin' awful', London red bus driver Mr Alfred Garnett said, 'we lived through the Je...
Read full storyKellogg's Krack The Krunch
It may be a time of depression, financial misery and general crappiness but that doesn't stop those guys at Kellogg's trying to spin that into a nutritional breakfast snack. Yes indeedy, Kellogg's have announced the imminent release of their new C...
Read full storyBeckham Has The Galaxy At His Knees
Keep reading, then applaud the wittiness of the headline - Wanataway LA galaxy star David Beckham has come up with an idea that could please his American bosses and allow him to play real football at his loan club AC Milan for the rest of the season.
Read full storyThe Hot Line Rings In Obama's Office
February 2009- It was a nasty shock for President Obama to have the hot line glow red and ring on his day in office. "Hello?" he answered cautiously. "Greetings President Obama. This is the Federation of American Oil Producers." "What? This is supposed to be a direct line to the Premiers of Russia and China!" "That is how it used to be. The balance of power changed during the Cheney..
Read full storyMild breeze causes UK chaos
Most of the UK ground to a halt yesterday when a mild breeze caused gridlock on the transport system, forcing schools and businesses to shut. The Met Office says that it had issued a warning of a low to moderate breeze, but some sources say that c...
Read full storyCreationist Mythbusters, Episode 3
I'd like to begin this episode with a prayer, as there are evidently so many heathens around. "Dear God, and Jesus, and Mary, and baby Jesus, please bless us with reason, and intelligence, so that we may understand and accept the following truths. And I'd like some ice-cream." Before I begin, an open letter: "It's gone too far, now, Mr Atheist, whoever you are; you can send me rude emails bu...
Read full storyDevils on the march Part IV
o Yes, sir! What I do is fantastic. I find a book in foreign languages. Next, I remove the cover, title page and any reference that may reveal the identity of the original author. Then, I put my name on the book and find someone to publish it. Of course, with pornographic CDs around no one anymore reads any serious book, let alone say French books; therefore, I offer generous commissions to collea...
Read full storyRepublicans Vow to Rescue Economy from Themselves
The current new great depression 2 is by all accounts the making of six years of Republican rule. The triumphalist trumpeters of trickle down economics have free marketed their and our way to the worst economic crisis since Republican Herbert Hoover...
Read full storyBruce "The Boss" Springsteen Refused Millions in Bonuses for SuperBowl Porn Appearance
As CEO's across the American business frontier have been accepting bonuses while their failing companies have been receiving billions in bailouts, one Boss has turned down the dollars. Bruce the Boss Springsteen was reportedly offered millions to...
Read full storyObama Resigns: Governing is No Fun
Barack obama has announced his resignation from the American Presidency after less than two weeks in office. The first Black President said that he really really enjoyed all of the pre, mid and post campaign adulation, but the actual hard work of...
Read full storyDear Paraphernalia4YourGenitalia: Minetailings
Dear P4YG, My dear Amigo, Jose'CanUC has this microbiologist wife who is telling him that she has to go to Mexico to deliver a talk on the subject of mine tailings. Jose' is like un hermano to me and I don't know how to tell him that I think su esposa may be stepping out into a minefield of Mexican man tail...Ayudanos! Querido A!, Ay Yay Ya Yay... I can understand why you are not sing...
Read full storyPolanski Loses Case Appealing Sex With Minor Bird Thrown Out
A California appeals court on Monday rejected a bid by fugitive filmmaker Roman Polanski to disqualify the entire Los Angeles County court system from hearing his motion for dismissal of a 30-year-old conviction for having sex with a minor bird. In d...
Read full storyLocal Commercial Radio Stations Face The Axe
The Conservative Party, led by 'Do Nothing' Dave Cameron have hit upon their most successful campaign strategy to date, by promising to axe commercial radio stations which 'fail to deliver any meaningful input into the ears of listeners.' Party of...
Read full storyAnother Obama Dog Setback
At a press conference today, Treasury Secy Richard Geitner announced that there has been another setback in the acquisition of a dog by the Obama family. Leading economists released figures today showing that the average cost of raising a dog from...
Read full storyQueen up s**t creek for selling golliwog toys
Queen Elizabeth II has been severely criticised after an undercover Sunday Times reporter revealed that she has been selling golliwog toys from her Sandringham estate. The reporter spent 4 weeks at the shop, pretending to be a statue of Prince Cha...
Read full storyScousers Goosed By Gosling - Steven Gerrard Gutted
Rafia Basket Case Benitez tonight was exposed to further embarrassment and humiliation as his Premiership "contenders" team crashed out of the FA cup to local rivals Everton. Gosling, an eleven year old student of the Everton Academy succeeded in...
Read full storyHats Are The Next Big Thing Says Hat Manufacturer
In these recession hit, snowbound, icebound, eggbound days, at last a hint of an economic revival. Milliner (hatmaker - origin from Milanese fancy goods supplier) Charlie Titfer of East London announced that his business was positively booming as...
Read full storyObama "approval rating" drops
Bread Basket, Arkansas - A poll of residents of Bread Basket, Arkansas (Ted and Wilma Crackers) has shown that, in this little corner of the country at least, Obama's honeymoon is over. From an approval rating of 85% two weeks ago, it has dropped to...
Read full storyUN: Israel Must Take Responsibility For Hamas Actions
The United Nations Secretary-General, Ban Ki-Moon has stated that they will no longer be falling for Israel's accusations of Hamas crimes. "Enough about this Hamas", he said. "I don't even know what that is." Hamas have been involved in a numbe...
Read full storyBarack Obama Forced To Change His Name
In a truly embarrassing and difficult situation, President-elect Barack Obama is being forced to change his first name. Israel Defense Minister Ehud Barak has taken out a copyright on the name 'Barak' and all it's spellings. Mr. Obama must now change...
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