The Lord Mayor of Blackburn, Lancs, today issued a public statement advising the male of the species to 'avoid at all costs' a female Blackburn resident known only as Dominiqua.
"Don't go to this woman's gaff, and under no circumstances allow her to lure you into her bed, for naughtiness and stuff" he added.
The announcement was prompted by a court case initiated by the CPS alleging that 'Dominiqua' had inflicted nastiness upon her sleeping, drunken, one night stand, temporary boyfriend.
Said nastiness involving a Stanley knife.
The victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, Wayne Kerr, 27, of Datwuz Close, Accrington, alleged that 'Dominiqua' had carved designs into his skin with a Stanley knife as he slept in drunken post-coital bliss.
"When I woke up, I couldn't believe it," Wayne Kerr told the Spoof. "There was claret all over the shop. We'd enjoyed a wild evening of unfettered rumpy pumpy, and while I was sleeping she carved me up with a fucking Stanley knife. What a bitch! She even carved a Blackburn Rovers badge on me shoulder blade, which is not a good thing for a Burnley fan like me. For fuck's sake. I'm gutted."
Maybe not gutted, but not far off, our photographer chuckled.
We managed to speak to 'Dominiqua' at her Blackburn flat. The petite, and dare we say it, rather sexy brunette told us:
"Bastard never told me he were a Burnley fan. With hindsight I wish I'd used the fuckin' Sabatier."
The case proceeds.
We considered going out for a couple of jars with 'Dominiqua' but quite frankly we're not really into pain.
More as we get it.