TV Reject Ollie Murs Moves Into Homeless Shelter
(Defecated News) X Factor reject and 'bloke-with-rubber-legs Ollie Murs has vowed never to return home after his loss in the finale of the show on Sunday. Friends have reported Ollie as living in the grassy patch in Albert Square, and have seen hi...
Read full storyBA Strike - Willie Walsh Wont Wash his Willy
(Defecated News) Union reps yesterday confirmed that all BA cabin staff registered with the union the LUC (Lazy Ungrateful Cunts) would stage a twelve day strike. In a shocking turn of events, BA Chief Executive Willie Walsh released a press state...
Read full storyLocal Man Accused Of Spoiling Christmas
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was today accused by his usually loving spouse of conspiring to spoil Christmas. Anne Shuttlecock arrived home from work to catch her husband attempting to catch two wabbits in a hutch in the back garden. Assuming th...
Read full storyGeorge Michael in XXX-Factor Shocker!
(Defecated News) Pop's 'Poofy Princess From Paphos', George Michael caused a huge shock behind the scenes of last weekend's X-Factor Final. Not only did he sport a fucking shitty display of facial hair, but to everyone's disgust, Mr Michael was sp...
Read full storyAir Crew Found Guilty Of Carrying Arms
The demise of seven air crew could affect thousands of flights worldwide, now that they have been found guilty. It all began on Sunday evening when the crew members of flight 69 were stopping off to refuel at Bangkok's airport in Thailand. The men an...
Read full storyJulie Postle, Tiger Mistress No#666, heads Orlando's Bad Girls Club
Orlando, Fla - (Nutz for Prophet): "Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is one of the Bad Girls Club specialities!" gorgeous blue-eyed blonde charity funraiser Julie Postle said today. Twenty two year-old Postle, 34DD-22-34, was named today as Tiger Wood...
Read full story'Animal Farm' by George Orwail
'As the sun rose on another day, Napoleon and Snowball gathered all the other pigs and farm animals into a shed, as they had decided the time had come to overthrow Animal Farm's owner, Mr. Jones, and to run it themselves. 'Comrades', Napoleon said to the packed shed, 'the revolution must now begin! Jones is drunk again and hasn't fed us, we must declare the glorious Soviet Socialist Animal Farm...
Read full storyAhmadinejad To Open Up Iran's Nuclear Facilities
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced this morning that he will allow United Nations inspectors to come visit their nuclear facilities just as soon as their "present project" is completed. "We welcome the UN inspectors and the whole world to come see...
Read full storyTiger Woods Wife Elin Not Wearing Wedding Ring As Tiger Runs Around The Outside Of House!
Tiger Woods wife was spotted in Sweden over the weekend sans her wedding ring so things haven't changed that much it appears after the two went there to get away from the circus here. Also, Tiger was reportedly seen wearing one of Elin's outfits t...
Read full storyBrits hoping to escape horrible, dry Christmas Turkey dinners, forget it, "Britshit Airways" are on strike!
The annual exodus of escaping Brits wishing to avoid dry Turkey dinners, brussel sprouts, vile stuffing, disgusting Christmas pudding, the stormy , wet , windy weather and their kids sitting like Zombies on their X Boxes, Playstations and new mobile...
Read full storyObama to Pay Bailed Out Executive in IOU's
Washington, D.C. - After criticizing bailed out banks for not making loans to jump start the economy, Barack Obama announced another measure to issue tough love to the banks in order to keep them honest and responsible in their business dealings.
Read full story'Global Cooling' advocates emerge at Copenhagen
'Our perspective on the world's climate has been consistently ignored by the AGW (anthropogenic global warming) climate consensus', says Jill Morgenstern, the CEO of the 'Our Planet Has A Fever Project' (OPHAFP). 'All these people are running arou...
Read full storyWilly Wanker and the Chocolate Shit Factory - Part 2
Previous Chapters| Part 1 Part 2 Charlie walks along the footpath on his way to work in the chimney factory, head held low and cap pulled down tightly over his ears to protect himself from the biting cold. He passes the candy shop and stares in the paneled window at the children inside buying packets of "Wanker Chocolate Shit". The Candyman, a tall, queer fellow (modern day meaning in t...
Read full story8 Reasons To Love Tiger Woods
(Defecated News) 8 - His job is pretty boring so life at home should be 'exciting' 7 - He dresses like a geek, and we all love geeks, right? 6 - He has very white teeth - how lovely 5 - He can still find reasons to fuck other women even when his wife is HOT BEYOND BELIEF! 4 - He shaves with Gilette, apparently, and obviously that is the 'best that man get get'. 3 - He's called Tig...
Read full storyNew Line of Elin Nordegren Woods Golf Clubs Announced
A press conference was hastily called this morning by Samurai Sports to announce the newest line of golf clubs; just in time for Christmas Day delivery. Addressing a speechless and bedraggled muckraking cohort of reporters, Hiroshima Andrews, V.P...
Read full storyX-factor's Joe McElderry Reveals All
As promised, X-factors Joe McElderry has revealed all to Katarina Frogpond (that's me.) Now Katarina Frogpond is going to tell you all about the revelations that he revealed to her. After an extensive under cover investigation, which took Joe, the...
Read full storyRapping Superstars rebel against "Homo's" - At last, someone is!
Super Rap stars, Trick Trick (Eminem's great friend), Beenie Man, Eminem himself (in the past) and other Rappers have been villified by the global "PINK" entertainment press (run by GAYS By the WAYS) for "outing" their views against "Gays"! It's w...
Read full storyWilly Wanker and the Chocolate Shit Factory - Part 1
A timeless children's classic gets the Jesus Budda treatment for this jolly Christmas Season. Ho ho ho! Part 1 As darkness descends over the old town, a young boy makes his way home from a long hard day slogging in the chimneys. Covered from head to foot in soot and dirt, he dances around gayly ( ye olde worlde meaning) and skips past puddles of filthy black sewerage. "Tra-la-la-t...
Read full storySpoof Writer 'Lucky Donkey' Disappears In Sweden After Tiger Woods Story
New Spoof writer, 'Lucky Donkey', a new writer for a spoof site has disappeared somewhere in Sweden after heading there to find what is going on with golf great, Tiger Woods. Lucky had told some of his fellow writers that he wanted to get off to...
Read full storyObama Uses Fear of Gun Control Laws to Enact De Facto "Bullet Control"
Washington, D.C.- Gun rights supporterss have been shocked by the release of an internal campaign memo showing Obama planned to restrict gun access through fear and free market principles. The memo, drawn up in early 2008 with the help of Nobel Laure...
Read full storyAngelina Gobbling Brad On Their 5th Anniversary After Missing Thanksgiving
Hollywood's most-talked about couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoyed a very romantic night out to celebrate their five-year anniversary as a couple, while their kids stayed at home with a sitter this past weekend. "I was busy on Thanksgiving...
Read full storySilvio Berlusconi Undergoes Surgery Following Assault
(Defecated News) Troubled controversial Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, yesterday underwent major reconstructive facial surgery following the horrific attack by a 'toy-church-wielding psychopath'. The 73 year old billionaire suffered fa...
Read full storyClimate Change [The Fairy Tale]: "And They All Lived..."
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, where no man had boldly gone before, in a land where the sun never set and the climate never changed, lived a lovely young princess called Airwick. Wherever she went, gaily tripping around the land, singing her sweet songs, and dancing her pretty little dances, the air was fresh and clean smelling. And the good folk who inhabited the land were happy a...
Read full storyLocal Man Lambasted In Duvet Furore
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was today accused of hogging the duvet by his ever loving wife, Anne. Standing in the street, in her underwear, Anne told us: "He's a nightmare. Especially when he's had a few beers. He thinks he's still walking u...
Read full storyFederal Regulations Proposed to Protect Us from Ourselves
Washington DC: Congress and the president appear unable do anything about important issues such as the economy and jobs, thus requiring concentration on things that have little or no impact on most Americans. New legislation will allow the federal government to regulate thrill seeker activities, as follows: Skiing: Required to have parachutes in the ski boots and front and rear air bags Ligh...
Read full storyJuan Carlos Pardons Don Quixote Writer
Seville - King Juan Carlos has issued a written pardon to Miguel de Cervantes, author of Don Quixote for wrongful imprisonment in the sixteenth century under the rule of King Mark. Evidence of a transcript of the proceedings has come to light showing Cervantes was the subject of the wrath of local peasantry who brought personal grievances with Cervantes to King Mark leading to his imprisonment.
Read full storyShocking Santa Activities and Identity Revealed
A revealing new expose about Santa Claus has North Pole public relations management team scrambling for answers and a potential spin on recent New York news reports. Found in multiple after-hours clubs in and around New York this past weekend, an...
Read full storyMother-in-law based film: Avatar. Is old Gladys to blame?
With 'Avatar' appearing in cinemas on the 17th December, we thought we'd catch up with James Cameron, the director - or producer - we're not too sure (or bothered). Cameron is previously known for 'Titanic', the biggest grossing film to date, with a brilliant Kate Winslet and a suspiciously hunky Leo DiCaprio as the main roles. However, 'Avatar' is animation, and "nothing we have ever seen bef...
Read full storyLarry Ellison / Oracle Taking over the Software World
While Oracle is in the final stages of consuming another competitor, critics of the move are concerned about the lack of federal involvement in what can be argued as monopolistic practice. "It's a technology survival battleground out there", says...
Read full storyCatherine Zeta-Jones / Carina-Eta on Broadway
With dual personality traits revealed on stage during her recent Broadway premier, Catherine Zeta-Jones was forced to answer questions about styles of speech and mannerisms matching those of famous satirical writer Carina-Eta. Names seemingly desi...
Read full storyItalian PM hit in face - and not before time!
At a rally in Milan Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berladultery was yesterday whacked in the face by some nut job, breaking his nose and losing him some teeth. Berladulterys ex wife and that teen nymph he was sniffing round a while back are said to...
Read full storyEldrick Tont Woods Signs with China Golf Association
Newcomer Eldrick Tont has signed a lucrative 5 year contract with the burgeoning China Golf Association, also becoming its spokesman for strengthening golf programs and the CGA brand across China and the Asia Pacific region. Far removed from PGA e...
Read full storyNew document found exposes Irans nuclear trigger.Its definitely not a fake either.
Unlike the laptop found with Iranian nuclear secrets on a while ago that turned out to be a Mossad fake this time its claimed the documents regarding irans nuclear trigger are genuine. Having had the docs translated it can be revealed they state t...
Read full storyClinton probed on Tiger Woods paternity
Santa Monica Lewinsky, California - (Reuterus): A sordid Hellfire Club cover-up involving Bill Clinton and a Bajan/Dominican BBC newsreader is still whitewashing Tiger Woods' DNA. According to documents released under the UK's Freedom of Disinfor...
Read full storyBerlusconi's ratings helped by bloody PR job
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is today recovering in the polls after a carefully-arranged PR stunt left his face covered in blood, and left Italian newspapers and TV stations covered in publicity for him. He suffered a few cuts and poss...
Read full storyCheating Sponsor Breaks Up With Tiger Woods by E-Mail
ORLANDO, Florida - A major sponsor for Tiger Woods sent him a "Dear John" e-mail Sunday to "clear the air" and let the beleaguered golf star know they "have been working with a new spokesman" in the wake of a recent shit storm of controversy swirling...
Read full storyLongknob to enter X Factor in 2010
Brighton's leading Viking Re-enactor "Thor Longknob" is currently in training and hopes to lead the charge in next years X Factor competition! He is currently working with his faithful assistant "Joy the Unflapplable" on the application form which...
Read full storyMrs. Tiger Woods Says Tiger Is Toast After Christmas
ORLANDO - Elin Nordegren, aka Mrs. Tiger Woods, has made it crystal clear to "Tiggy" that she will stick around and celebrate Christmas with him for the sake of the kids, but on December 26, it's adios mother effer and her and the two kiddoes are bou...
Read full story18-Year-Old Joe McElderry Captures X-Factor's £1 Million First Prize
LONDON - Joe McElderry, the 18-year-old native of South Shields, Tyne and Wear, England has been crowned the winner of the 2009 edition of X-Factor. Young Joe was thrilled beyond belief and became even more noticeably thrilled when he received a s...
Read full storyFailed NBA Player Sues Baby Mamas for Child Support
Newark, New Jersey - Former New Jersey Nets recruit ReJean Barry Jackson filed lawsuit against the three mothers of his illegitimate children, seeking custody and child support. Rejean, a former college basketball player for the Kansas Jawhawks, said...
Read full storyAmanda Knox Says That She Hates Being In Jail Because It Is So Damn Boring
PERUGIA, Italy - Convicted murderess Amanda Knox confided to one of her jail guards Benzo Benzatalini that she does not like being in jail because it is so damn boring. She also said that the stinking place is extremely scary. Benzatalini, who las...
Read full storyVolvo and Ikea no longer trusted brands
Stockholm, Sweden. Authorities here are on alert following the revelations that anything carrying the name Volvo or Ikea is equivalent to fatal brands such as Trebant or even Titanic. The fuss was caused by a story appearing in the International T...
Read full storyAl Gore Causing Global Warming!
Copenhagen - (Rooters) Fighting to be heard over chants of "Al Gore, shut your mouth!" and "Save our planet, gag Al Gore!" Dr. Johannes Finklestein, head of the UN Climate Summit finally released the truth about global warming. Dr. Finklestein, a fin...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Arrested In New York As Kristen Rushes To Help!
It has been confirmed that Robert Pattinson, yes THE Robert Pattinson has been arrested in New York City overnight because of identity theft. "Of all things", Pattinson told reporters early today, myself among them, "I get arrested for attempting...
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