'Animal Farm' by George Orwail

Funny story written by matwil

Monday, 14 December 2009

image for 'Animal Farm' by George Orwail
'Why amn't I in this feeble parody, this pathetic attempt - OK, Cherie, I'll keep it down'

'As the sun rose on another day, Napoleon and Snowball gathered all the other pigs and farm animals into a shed, as they had decided the time had come to overthrow Animal Farm's owner, Mr. Jones, and to run it themselves.

'Comrades', Napoleon said to the packed shed, 'the revolution must now begin! Jones is drunk again and hasn't fed us, we must declare the glorious Soviet Socialist Animal Farm Republic and be liberated! Are you all with me?'

The other pigs all agreed with him, but the old horse Boxer raised a hoof. 'Can I just say that we should first discuss the size of Katie Price's ridiculous plastic chest? I think that is more important than a socialist paradise for this farm'.

And the visiting raven Moses, who dropped in to tell them the news from the outside world every few weeks, added: 'I'm sure you all here sitting around discussing things and flogging every news subject to death for week after week like a - no offence, Boxer - dead horse, until you can hardly move for Tiger Woods mentions or talk about American celebrities no-one has ever heard of, will be better for the animals than an equal distribution of the farm's assets amongst all.'

'Good points, Comrades', Napoleon agreed, not noticing the wise raven's sarcasm, 'maybe Comrade Snowball should form the Katie Price and Tiger Woods Copying Committee to ensure all discussions about the two are identical and equal, and to then produce identical and equal articles about those discussions. All articles are equal! All articles are equal!', and soon the sheep there were bleating this slogan over and over again.

But one cow named Daisy disagreed with the idea of such a Committee. 'Surely, Comrades, it is originality and fresh new individual ideas that can inspire us all to make the farm run more efficiently?', she mooed, but Napoleon quickly changed the subject.

'Now that we will be the farm's new owners', he said, 'I think it would be a good idea for us pigs to milk the cows and their articles for all that they're worth. That way we can fill up the farm with lots of equally uninteresting articles to make it seem like a busy farm, and encourage advertisers.' 'Good idea, Comrade', Snowball said, 'any other points on the agenda? No? Well, what do you think about the new Copying Committee?', he asked the donkey Benjamin.

'It stinks', he answered morosely, 'rather than encouraging advertising it will only make people stop coming to the farm, as it will become dull and predictable. I say forget the Committee and grow more carrots, anything else is a waste of time.' 'Comrade Moses, you are a visitor, what say you about the Copying?'

'Well', that black bird cawed, 'you know there are many other farms other than this one, and many have fantastic writers. I even flew into a library once, which has hundreds of satirical books to read. Why not help the animals to write better articles about more diverse subjects?', but Napoleon and Snowball than got the sheep bleating 'All articles are equal! All articles are equal!' again, and the suggestion was soon forgotten.

And as the day wore on the animals began running the farm, and Mr. Jones was chased out of it by the pigs, and Snowball's Copying Committee began printing article after article about Katie Price and Tiger Woods and lots of Americans no-one is interested in, and as the sun began to set the Soviet Socialist Animal Farm Republic had had a very productive day.

Soon the animals were back in their nice clean dwellings eating cheap grass, hay and nuts, and lots of them began reading the articles Snowball had produced on an old Perdicterble #101 printing press that he had found in a barn at the edge of the farm.

But Boxer and Daisy started to notice something odd about the articles. 'Comrade Snowball', the horse asked that pig, 'these articles, well ...' 'Yes, Comrade Boxer?' 'I could have sworn I read them all a few weeks ago. Aren't they just the ones Mr. Jones wrote for us but with a few words changed in them?' 'Never, Comrade!', Napoleon answered, 'this farm is now our farm, a socialist commune where all articles are equally badly written.'

'But -' 'To suggest there is anything wrong with Comrade Snowball's work is being treacherous to our glorious Republic!' And then he got the sheep chanting again, leaving Boxer feeling a bit deflated. 'I know', he thought, 'I'll ask Moses what he thinks, he usually knows best', but the raven had flown away long ago, never to return.

And the donkey Benjamin merely laughed, and told Boxer 'All articles are equal - but some are more equal than others, especially when they're written by the pigs!', and the donkey knew sadly that nothing would ever change in Animal Farm. And looking around for the article he had been reading he saw that Napoleon had borrowed it, and was busy adding a claim to it that he had written it rather than Snowball.

'Things could be worse, though', Daisy whispered to the old horse.' 'How?' 'We could have to read badly-written articles about the USA's bland, vapid politicians and non-entity celebrities that nobody finds interesting every day!' 'Very true', Boxer said, and soon the pair were snoring away like a President after his thirteenth gin martini of the evening.

Moses the raven meanwhile had flown to the Sugar Mountain Library many miles away, and was busy reading real satire and humour that never even mentioned fake celebrities, human organs, or what the writers did in their personal lives last Tuesday. Napoleon was later to drive Snowball out of the farm, for 'original thought crime' and 'counter-Katielutionary behaviour'.

Boxer lived until he was 34, by which time he had developed such huge teeth and bulging eyes he became the US Secretary of State. Benjamin the donkey became so bad-tempered and violent and cynical he was sent to Israel to become its president, saying 'Well, who will notice the difference?'

Mr. Jones's alcoholic and drug-crazed behaviour meant he ended up becoming so desperate that he was reduced to the embarrassment of being elected 43rd. President of the United States of America, though Americans didn't notice any difference either.

Katie Price's chest lived another 20 years before being ceremoniously sent into orbit as the Soviet Socialist Animal Farm Republic's first artificial space chest by Napoleon, calling it 'a giant ridiculous fake pap for pigkind'.

Daisy the cow appeared on the XY Chromozone Factbor, and promptly became the number one topic of articles in Animal Farm. Moses the raven wrote a book on the trappings of celebrity and fame, called 'Not Until You've Eaten All Your Peas and Written Another Drivelling Piece of Adolcescent Dross, Johnny'.

Animal Farm itself slowly faded away, until it became just another place to park your kids while you get on and earn some money at work, and they sit around gossiping about kidneys and livers and what they'll do when they turn 13. Little Brother is watching Pop Idol.

(Copyright George Orwail 1948)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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