Cheating Sponsor Breaks Up With Tiger Woods by E-Mail

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 14 December 2009


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Elin Nordegren teed off at latest developments, taking frustration out on Woods' balls.

ORLANDO, Florida - A major sponsor for Tiger Woods sent him a "Dear John" e-mail Sunday to "clear the air" and let the beleaguered golf star know they "have been working with a new spokesman" in the wake of a recent shit storm of controversy swirling around Woods' personal life.

Accensure, a management consulting firm, revealed on its Web site that "in light of [Tiger's] mismanagement of his own personal affairs... we have determined he is no longer the right representative for our company."

"After all, our track record is perfect," said a spokesman for Accensure. "Not one of our clients has ever had (cough)... Excuse me... has ever been caught in an extramarital affair! Of course you can understand. We've clearly got a reputation to uphold."

The sponsorship arrangement worked for approximately a year longer than Woods' marriage to Elin Nordegren is expected to last.

Though used to getting "the best a man can get," Woods even had an uncomfortably close shave compliments of the Schlick Razor Company, who ultimately decided to cut back his pivotal role, giving him time to smooth his bumpy family relationships and save face with his wife, who's still angry because he can't seem to keep his head from swiveling.

Woods announced on his Official Blasian Web site Friday that he is taking an "indefinite break" from professional golf, though it remains unclear whether or not he will be taking a similar break from semi-professional philandering.

The 33-year-old golfer disappeared from the public eye late last month shortly after his wife bravely rescued him from his car after he crashed outside their Florida mansion while responding to an emergency booty call at 2:30 a.m.

The golf phenomenon has won three U.S. Open titles, as well as the Masters tournament and the PGA tournament each four times.

In addition, Woods has celebrated each of these victories with a new mistress, for a grand total of eleven.

More as he gets it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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