Jean Charles de Menezes Inquest Latest
The inquest into the death of Jean Charles de Menezes, the Brazilian electrician, on the Stockwell Tube in July 2005, has finally established that it would be extremely unwise for dodgy-looking people to travel around London with bags. Mr de Menez...
Read full storyDay Day Launched
A new Day Day will start this year, to raise awareness among the public about days that commemorate events and charities. Announcing the new Day Day, celebrity Esthern O'Body said: 'This will remind people of how important it is to have special a...
Read full storyO.A.P Ringo Starr was potential victim of Ross and Brand
Dotty old Ringo Starr 68, bravely, foiled falling victim to the deadly duo of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. When 'Scouser' Starr appeared on Ross's programme, 'Friday Night with Jonathan Ross'. Millions saw 'sly' Ross begging and harassing the...
Read full storyWales Sign Rooney
Wayne Rooney, the overhyped, overrated England striker has controversially signed for Wales and will now play for the Welsh national team. His transfer from England to Wales is unheard of in international football and comes at a time when his form...
Read full storyUS Quadrillenial Halloween Costume Contest Approaches Conclusion
Washington DC. We are approaching the final week of the exciting national Halloween costume competition, which is held once every four years. This year, the competition is as fierce as ever, with many great costumes and outfits on display. But it'...
Read full storyOprah and Martha Stewart Combine Sirius and XM Channels
Insiders are labeling the new combined network "Moprah", while both influential women merge their individual channels into one single all-women's satellite radio station. Oprah's XM channel and Martha's Sirius channel will glean the most popular...
Read full storyDrummer "Ringo" Splits With Beatles Tribute Band
Metropolis, Illinois - After six years as the drummer of the Tribute To The Beatles Band, "Yoko Butthole", Randy "Ringo" Snodgrass announced Wednesday that he is leaving the group because they never let him sing. "I've simply reached the height,...
Read full storyJonathan Ross interviews Rokella
Jonathan Ross, the guy with the lisp, interviews Rokella, the guy from Norveden (somewhere in Scandinavia). Jonathan Gerzing! Did I get that right? Rokella For sure, that is a traditional Norveden greeting. Gerzang! Jonathan What? Rokella Gerzang. When someone says Gerzing, you should reply with Gerzang. Jonathan Weally? Rokella Yes, it' only polite. Jonathan Alwight - You com...
Read full storyRussell Brand Ate My Beaver
A new storm today surrounded disgraced comedian Rustle Bland as his girlfriend alleged that he ate her pet 'Minky'. In an interview today it was revealed that after a binge drinking session, a row ensued which ended with Bland eating her beaver.
Read full storyMonkey Woods Suspended By TheSpoof.com
Director General of TheSpoof.com, Mark Lowton, has issued a sternly-worded statement tonight, to address the recent disgraceful scribblings on the site, and to deala crushing blow to writer Monkey Woods, who is to receive a 3-month points suspension...
Read full storyCharity pledges to keep Ross off the air
Donations to the Children in Need appeal have already started flooding in two weeks early and 95% of the donations are from people wishing to keep shamed potty mouth Jonathan Woss off the air and suspended indefinitely. Pudsey was unavailable fo...
Read full storyShock as government department admits to information cock-up
The department for administrative affairs today admitted breaching government data protection policy by not leaving a laptop on a bus for over 6 months. Insiders described how PM, Gordon Brown, is furious that one department has felt it could go a...
Read full storyNASA probe impeded as giant UFO mothership guards access to Mars opals cave
Cydonia, Mars - (X-Files Mess): A massive UFO mothership is impeding access to NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter space probe after it found vast deposits of firey opals in the Valles Marineris canyon complex near the Tharsis area of the red planet.
Read full storyParis Hilten Shows Her Pussy Flaps to US Presidential Candidates!
As a part of her 'fake' presidential campaign, Paris Hilten showed of her Pussy Flaps to the real presidential candidates earlier today in a media frenzy that has bored the world. Hilten, best known for going out, getting pissed and generally fuck...
Read full storyChevron posts $20bn third quarter profit, stalks ConocoPhilips takeover
San Ramon, Ca - (Ass Mess): Chevron, the world's third largest hydrocarbons supermajor, has posted a $20 billion third-quarter profit and is poised to swoop on ConocoPhillips in a $500 billion merger to be announced in the New Year. 2008 profits a...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus has gay thoughts
Pop princess Miley Cyrus has told a magazine that she has had "gay thoughts" in the past. The Hannah Montana star was speaking to respected Gay magazine 'Gloryhole' about live, love and gay stuff. In the interview she says: "The other day wh...
Read full storyElton John in Gay shocker!
The entertainment world is all talk about the alleged gay rumors surrounding British singer Elton John's sexuality. The fat pianist (that's 'pianist') has come under greater scrutiny this week following claims that he has possibly had secret homo...
Read full storyW. Virginia Man Finds Source of Noise
In an almost supernatural display of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and hypnotic concentration, 59-year-old Walter Barnes Burden of Beaver, West Virginia interrupted his favorite radio program, "The Prairie Home Companion" in order to tr...
Read full storyKentucky Man Catches Willie In Zip!
This Week's News Of The Unusual - Willy, the famous dancing kangaroo from over at Kentucky Down Under, who escaped after a recent matinee performance, has been successfully caught. The farmer who caught the wily Willy, comes from a the small commu...
Read full storyHighInfidelity.bedspins, the dating service for inebriated cheats!
As studies confirm the rising tide of adultery among baby boom boomers and new brides, an internet dating service for the drunken lusty has caught the wave and is sitting on top of the face of Uncle Sam. Satisfied customer testimonials on the website ads witness to the success of Highinfidelity.bedspins: Chloe, age 21, married for four months wrote : I haven't had such good sex with excellen...
Read full storyThe Today Show Interviews Bristol Palin
NEW YORK CITY, New York - A spokesperson for Sarah Palin has stated that the GOP vice presidential candidate is flying back to Alaska to vote and also to pick up some more clothes. The NBC Today Show's Meredith Viera interviewed Palin's oldest daughter 17 year old Bristol. MV: Good morning Bristol. How are you feeling? BP: Good morning Mrs. Viera, I'm feeling fine. MV: So Bristol, when...
Read full storyRussell Brand causes 'Katie and Jo to change their surnames!
Funny, chubby women Katie and Jo have decided to drop the surname "Brand", in case the public believe they are related to disgraceful 'weirdo' Russell Brand. These girls like their food Katie and Jo released a statement after breakfast this...
Read full storyAccidental Invasion - An Alarming New Trend?
Alarmed by recent incursions into 'Bad Guy' countries by 'Good Guy' forces, officials in the tiny European country of Liechtenstein today announced new security measures in response to the "accidental invasion" last year by its closest neighbor, Swit...
Read full storyRicky Gervais Panics
Following the recent 'Manuelgate' scandals that have ripped through the BBC, another issue has raised its repugnant head. Tubby comedian Ricky Gervais has nowhere to appear on TV on a rare Friday Night in, following the suspension of his good fri...
Read full storyPython dish raises ire of animal group
PE3TA -- People for the Edible Ethical Elevated Treatment of Animals -- have demanded scientists cease feeding lab pythons from dishes, citing the resulting cruelty this perpetrated on the poor creatures who can't hold a knife and fork in the first p...
Read full storyScientists develop realistic artificial heart
Immediately after scientists announced the availability of the new heart, they received special visitors John McCain and Barack Obama. Both began arguing over who should get the heart. McCain claimed that he needed it because his was so old. Oba...
Read full storyBrand and Ross are Going to Hell
Today the Pope weighed into the Brand/Ross scandal. He has excommunicated both performers and branded the BBC as the gateway to Hell. "The director General should have seen this coming" said the Pope. "There are countless warnings in the Bible of...
Read full storyStarbucks' business may have bottomed
A top executive explained that Starbucks' business had become as black and burnt out as the sludge at the bottom of a cup that's been left up on a commuter's dashboard in the sun all weekend. He further added that dealing with the many store clo...
Read full storyNation's Slow Told To Walk On The Right
Washington, DC: In a public announcement form, television and radio programs were interupted yesterday and given the order that the nation's slow should keep to the right. "This should be a great help in jammed up Wal-Marts and grocery type store...
Read full storyFour horsemen of apocalypse sighted near whitehorse
In a sensational development, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have been witnessed travelling along Pennyslvania Avenue in Washington DC just days out from the Presidential election. Many people were shocked to see them and were visibly affect...
Read full storyIs it Bin Laden? Coded Message Intercepted in Pakistan
Fucmebad, Pakistan, U.S. military officials were encouraged today when what sounds to be a coded cell phone message from Osama Bin Laden was intercepted. This would be the first recognizable proof of Bin Laden's where abouts since 2004 Secret com...
Read full storyRussell Brand 'shagged all five of Andrew Sachs' granddaughters'
London - (Sassy Ass Mess): Hampstead residents reckon their lothario comedian neighbor Russell Brand 'shagged all five of Andrew Sachs' granddaughters' and not just the eldest, burlesque glamor-dancer Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie. Brand, 33,...
Read full storyJonathan Ross To Become Head Of Comedy
Jonathan Ross, who along with 'comedian' Russell Brand, was suspended after the pair made an indecent phone call to the Fawlty Towers waiter Andrew Sachs recently, has been vindicated by BBC bosses and is to assume the role of the channel's Head of...
Read full storyObama Infomercial: He Slices, He Dices, Serves Up Recipe for Disaster!
USA Airwaves - Barack Hussein Obama II, American's new premier pitchman for Socialist Stew unveiled his new kitchen aid on a paid national TV infomercial costing millions. Using a 3 pound Zucchini which he said represented the top 1 % of US Tax...
Read full storyRussell Brand's 'Booky Looky Wook' is toilet paper alternative says council!
Russell Brand's Booky Looky Kooky Wook will be used, as both reading material and toilet paper by Bottywotty Council, in the West Midlands. Local Councillor Arthur Askey said "We found toilet paper for our public conveniences a bit pricey. Then s...
Read full storyManchester United "Shitting Themselves" Over Hull City Match
Hull City manager Phil Brown is in confident mood as he plans to take his side to Old Trafford to face champions Manchester United on Saturday, and says Sir Alex Ferguson's team of world-beating superstars are "fairly shitting themselves at the prosp...
Read full storyRepublicans Proclaim Nov 4th Dia de los Muertos Republicanos
Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington, VA - The Republican Party has decided to celebrate in anticipation of a massive defeat at the polls on November 4th by proclaiming Election Day 'Day of the Dead Republicans'. "We Republicans don't like...
Read full storyJonathan Ross actually got into trouble due to his pronunciation
It has been revealed today that presenter Jonathan Ross actually got himself into his current spot of bother over pronunciation. With 6 million reasons (running to 18 million reasons over 3 years) why he didn't want to resign following his recent...
Read full storyLeg found under rollercoaster
Surprised maintenance workers at Alton Towers discovered a prosthetic leg underneath the roller coaster, The Corkscrew, yesterday. The prosthesis was among the detritus the workers were clearing out, and the lost property box is now replaced with...
Read full storyRepublicans Lay Off Sarah Palin!
With job losses topping the headlines from the Wall Street Journal to the Main Street Gazette, a lay off of a different color has hit the party of the red states. The Republicans have managed to run the table by convincing Main street that Wall stree...
Read full storyJoe The Plumber Becomes A Country Music Star
NASHVILLE, Tennessee - Samuel Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber) is on the verge of counry music stardom. His band Country Joe The Plumber & The Septic Tank Band will be going into the recording studio and recording their first album entitled, 'I...
Read full storyUndecided Will Be Put on Buses and Driven off Cliffs!
After twenty-one months of the most grueling political marathon in Presidential campaign history, pollsters report that there are still a significant number of potential voters who identify as undecided. Neither party can believe that after millions...
Read full storyBarbara Walters: "I Want To Have President Bush's Baby"
THE WHITE HOUSE, USA - Barbara Walters has interviewed world famous figures, personalities, and celebrities from Egypt's President Anwar Al Sadat to England's Margaret Thatcher to Cuba's Fidel Castro to Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky. She had been wanting to interview President George Bush, but he had just been much to busy what with having to look for weapons of mass destruction, Osama Bin La...
Read full storyDemocrats Hire a Million Shrinks to Help Whitey Get in Touch with His Inner Racist
In the most expensive and extensive use of psychiatry in an election campaign, the Democratic Party has sent 1,000,000 psychiatrists across America to help white voters overcome that little racist voice they all still harbor in their otherwise tolera...
Read full storyDemi's Trainwreck with Meaning Behind Lyrics Revealed
Demi Lovato, sixteen, has had a hard time fending off the press lately when now ex-best friend Selena Gomez spilled the beans on the meaning behind the song Trainwreck, a song written by Demi which was released on her debut album, Don't Forget. S...
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