Jonathan Ross interviews Rokella

Written by Danny Buckle

Thursday, 30 October 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Jonathan Ross, the guy with the lisp, interviews Rokella, the guy from Norveden (somewhere in Scandinavia).

Jonathan Gerzing! Did I get that right?

Rokella For sure, that is a traditional Norveden greeting. Gerzang!

Jonathan What?

Rokella Gerzang. When someone says Gerzing, you should reply with Gerzang.

Jonathan Weally?

Rokella Yes, it' only polite.

Jonathan Alwight - You come fwom Norveden, what is it like?

Rokella It is a beautiful country, with lakes and mountains.

Jonathan Where is it, I can't find it on any map?

Rokella For sure, it is somewhere on the edge of the arctic circle.

Jonathan Where abouts?

Rokella At the beginning

Jonathan At the beginning of what?

Rokella At the beginning of the arctic circle.

Jonathan But the Arctic circle has no beginning, it's a circle?

Rokella Of course

Jonathan Oh I get it, you mean Norveden is just a conceptual place and actually it's everywhere you want it to be?

Rokella No, it's near the arctic circle.

Jonathan Which side is it near?

Rokella It isn't near any side it's a circle.

Jonathan Ok lets move on. What do people do in Norveden?

Rokella There are only two main jobs in Norveden. You either work in the Dryvita factory or you are a reindeer herder

Jonathan What do you do?

Rokella I am a shinger

Jonathan A what?

Rokella A shinger, I shing shongs.

Jonathan Oh you are a singer?

Rokella That's what I said.

Jonathan And Where do you sing?

Rokella In Eric's bar. It is a shit down joint

Jonathan A what?

Rokella A shit down joint

Jonathan What's that? It doesn't sound very nice.

Rokella All bars in Norveden are called shit down joints because the Mayor doesn't allow people to shtand up when they are drinking alcohol.

Jonathan Oh, a sit down joint?

Rokella That's what I said.

Jonathan It's just your accent, making things a little difficult to understand.

Rokella I am sorry.

Jonathan No it's alwight love.

Rokella Alwight?

Jonathan Yes, it's ok

Rokella Alright

Jonathan That's what I said.

Jonathan So what else do you do in Norveden when your not shinging… I mean singing?

Rokella I look after quality control at the Dryvita factory. I make sure the crinkles are just right.

Jonathan Sounds like quite a wesponsible job Wokella?

Rokella Who is Wokella?

Jonathan You are.

Rokella No I am Rokella, Wokella is a my Chinese cousin.

Jonathan Alright lets get to the juicy stuff. Do you have a boyfriend?

Rokella No

Jonathan Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Rokella No

Jonathan Oh I see, so you're a virgin?

Rokella No, I don't like Richard Branson. I am with Carphone Warehouse.

Jonathan No that's not what I meant…

Rokella What did you mean.

Jonathan I mean, because you've never had a boy friend you've never do the…you know…
Rokella What?

Jonathan The hokey coakey!

Rokella Oh for sure, I do it every Christmas with Santa Claus.

Jonathan Blimey! It's getting too surreal. Allwight let's twy somfing else. You are descwibed as Norveden's number one wock chick is this correct?

Rokella What is this?

Jonathan What is what?

Rokella What is Wok chick?

Jonathan Well it's like a sexy female singer.

Rokella Oh for sure, I love to do my thing on stage.

Jonathan What like pole dancing?

Rokella No, that is the job of Minski Polinski, they are the Pole dancers at Eric's bar.

Jonathan I'm beginning to like the sound of Norveden. How many of these sexy girl dancers are there?

Rokella They are not girls?

Jonathan Not girls?

Rokella No they are Polish workers, jou know, like Plumbers and Joiners etc

Jonathan But I thought it was a pole dancing bar?

Rokella Of course, Minski Polinski are Polish and they dance, so it is Pole dancing bar, why else would it be called a pole dancing bar?

Jonathan I'm begginign to lose twak here. Alright then look - your now a resident performer at The Shaft Lifters Social Club in the north of England, what is that like?

Rokella Oh the Shaft Lifters is a pretty grotty place but Mr Rynal has been kind to me and let me represent Shaft Lifters in the Euro Idol competition.

Jonathan What is it about the Euro Idol Competition that makes you want to win it so badly?

Rokella For sure, it is my dream come true to shing in Euro Idol and become a shtar

Jonathan A shtar?

Rokella For sure, how do you English say, in the media for your talent?

Jonathan Oh you mean a celebwitty!

Rokella Celebwitty?

Jonathan Yes, rich and famous. You may even get your own web site

Rokella I have my own webshite. Am I a celebwity?

Jonathan I think you are Wokella

Rokella Oh that is so cool for sure.

Jonathan Well thank you vewy much it's been a pleasure.

Rokella Thank you - who are you again?

Jonathan I'm Jonathan Woss. I used to work for the BBC - good night.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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