Today the Pope weighed into the Brand/Ross scandal. He has excommunicated both performers and branded the BBC as the gateway to Hell.
"The director General should have seen this coming" said the Pope. "There are countless warnings in the Bible of Satan's intention to take control of mankind. I have discussed this with the chairman of my organisation (God) and we are agreed that this is clearly Old Nicks latest onslaught and we must all be on the highest of alerts. Have your rosaries with you at all times."
He added that he has set in train the procedure for beatifying Andrew Sacks.
"He hasn't done anything particularly saintly" said a spokesman for the Pope "but we thought it would make him feel a bit better about all this".
But the Holy Father saved his white hot wrath for the woman at the centre of this maelstrom, Georgina - call me Voluptua - Baillie.
"It is the lewd antics and pathetic dance routines that has opened the foul smelling portal of Satan", thundered the Pope.
His Holiness warned that his Boss (God) will seek "divine retribution" if this tawdry troupe of gyrating temptresses known as 'Satan's Sluts' do not stop and get themselves to a nunnery. Or at least get a decent choreographer, he added.