GOP Changes its Name
Washington D.C. In a surprise move today, said by some insiders as an effort to ward off small-government conservatives from shaking up the GOP, Chairman Mike Duncan announced that the GOP will no longer be called the "Grand Old Party" bu...
Read full storyMagic kids in Alaska: We would rock you, but we don't have the cards
Kids in the rural Alaskan Biteame commune don't have much to do for fun. What they do have is one limited Internet connection and a love for the trading card game...
Read full storyWhite House Press Corpse Evacuated
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): White House shock-jock Tony Snow was evacuated today after the CIA reported that sniffer dogs had detected a strange aroma about him, worse than the usual whiff of formaldehyde and strychnine that habitually serves as his...
Read full storyWimbledon: Andy Roddick crap value at any price
London - (Ass Mess): Internet spread betting index Aintgottaprayer.com has told punters that betting on Andy Roddick to break his duck and finally win the Men's Championship at Wimbledon this year is like wagering on George Bush's ratings to...
Read full storyDamien Hirst branded plagiarising little impostor
Royal Academy, London - (Ass Mess): Curators at London's most prestigeous gallery the Royal Academy have admitted they have known for over three decades that stellar artist Damien Hirst is a plagiarising little fraudster who has consistently ripp...
Read full storyTintin in coke fuelled rampage!
The latest Tintin escapade shows the young explorer exploring more than he's used to. Since he was first introduced to the world in the early part of the 21st century he has become world famous for his daring expeditions to different parts of the...
Read full storyHitler Denounced by UN for Ruining Moustache, Swastika
New York, NY - In a long-overdue move on Sunday, the United Nations unanimously denounced Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler for ruining the swastika and his trademark moustache for the rest of the world.
Read full storyGuiliani calls Ron Paul a "Jerkface"
New York, NY - In the wake of a recent press conference where Congressman and Presidential Canditate Ron Paul (R-TX) challenged fellow candidate and former NYC mayor Rudy Guiliani's knowledge of foreign policy, the latter called Congressman Paul...
Read full storyEddie Murphy pleads with media not to rush to Judgment that he's the father in wake of Nicole Richie Pregnancy Rumor
Hollywood, California - Spending his Father's Day quietly waiting by the phone, not trusting his cell phone for fear he will lose the signal, in his Beverly Hills mansion. Not having slept for days since the blood test was taken last Friday to de...
Read full storyNicole Richie Engaged and Pregnant?
Hollywood, California - Paris Hilton's other half, Nicole Richie, was spotted for a night out on the town wearing a huge rock on her ring finger, leaving those to speculate if she is engaged. Rumor it has she is also pregnant because the party al...
Read full storyOrdered to by Cheney, Bush Aide Fornicates With Self
Deep within the lowest bunkers beneath the White House on Saturday, Vice President Dick Cheney ordered an intern in the employ of the administration to "Go Fuck Himself." To the astonishment of all, the plucky intern did just that, and in...
Read full storyParis blames hexed vagina ahead of transplant
Lynwood Jail, Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): Jailed socialite Paris Hilton has blamed hexed reproductive organs for her terrible dilemma and has asked attorneys to arrange an immediate hospital vagina transplant following her scheduled release from jail t...
Read full story700 Club Busted in International Internet Child Porn Ring
London - (Rotters): A global internet pedophile ring of over 700 suspects worldwide has been smashed by British and American investigators.
Read full storyPrince Edward To Sell Birthday Honours
Buckingham Palace has admitted Queen Elizabeth has lost interest in her annual Birthday Honours List because so few of the recipients are truly worthy of the accolade.
Read full storyPakistan fury at Mossad double agent Rushdie
Karachi, Pakistan - (Ass Mess): Millions of people took to the streets of Karachi and Islamabad in Pakistan to protest about Mossad/KGB double agent Salman Rushdie being given a knighthood gong in the Puppet Monarchy's official birthday honors.
Read full storyPresident Bush Soon to Implement Public Extermination Policy
CCN - United States - The Public Extermination Policy, which has been kept out of mainstream media, was designed to reduce the population in America by singling out certain...
Read full storyWilliam's Diana inheritance to be seized by fraud squad
London - (Ass Mess): Just three days before his official 25th birthday Prince William is poised to claim a £500,000 annual income from funds left to him by the late Princess Diana.
Read full storyMayor of Westminster "Above the Law"
Tempers are seething over Lord Mayor of Westminster Councillor Carolyn Keen's wanton disregard of her own Council's parking regulations.
Read full storySandman Has Sex Change
NEW YORK (AP Newsliar) -- The evil supervillain known as "Sandman", an arch-enemy of Spiderman, has undergone a sex change operation and wishes to be known henceforth as "Sandwoman".
Read full storyBeckhams poised to announce Scientology conversion
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): Just hours after partying in a Madrid night club into the small hours with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ex-England football captain David Beckham and wife Victoria are poised to announce their conversion to Scientology after...
Read full storyLockerbie bomber could be freed as new evidence points to Bandar
Scotland - (Ass Mess): Newly discovered forensic evidence about the 1986 Pan Am flight which blew up over Lockerbie may exonerate and free the Libyan intelligence officer currently serving a life sentence in prison for a crime that he has always said...
Read full storyQE2 sold to become floating brothel in Dubai
London - (Ass mess): Now the carnival really is over for the luxury Cunard liner the QE2 as its owners the Carnival Group has announced that it has been sold to the Dubai World Company to become a floating brothel moored off the Palm Jumeirah develop...
Read full storyRash hour flashing judge faces more accusers
London - (Ass Mess): Just days after being let off the hook in court for a series of penis exposures on a packed London commuter train Judge Sir Stephen Richards faces two more accusers who say he exposed himself to them and that they videoed the who...
Read full storyParts of a atom redifined
In a dramatic twist to the decades of student life, scientist Dr. Hooker Le-Kiss published his new discovery of the 'mama-tron' and 'papa-tron'. In what he discribed as a new era for physics, he told reporters that hi...
Read full storyEd-E-torial 15 Bobby Brown Cracks Up. Britney Spears Gives Her Head To Obama.
It's Ed-E-torial #15. Or as we like to call it: "The one where we introduce you to that new hit web series Cop Story."...
Read full storyReturn of the Pauli
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Texus - In an effort to overcome the Evil Empire, the Rebel force takes up light sabers and fights their way to the voting booths to cast a vote for Ron Paul. These Pauli masters must overcome the evil Bush Vader and rigged vo...
Read full storyBuckingham Palace to be turned into holiday apartments
Ken Livingstone, mayor of London, has announced that Buckingham Palace is to be turned into luxury holiday apartments.
Read full storySoprano Fans Watch Blank Screen: Think It's the Show
Hundreds of television critics and millions of Americans sat in front of black television screens at 9:00 on Sunday to follow the continuing saga of "The Sopranos."...
Read full storyFade to Black Ending Frustrates Price is Right Fans
Millions of Americans called their cable companies Friday morning to complain that just before Bob Barker declared the winner of the Showcase Showdown their screens went to black and ten seconds later the credits rolled to a black backdrop.
Read full storySuzy Snowflake Denied Entry into Pantheon of Faeries
AP Newsliar -- Suzy Snowflake, a relatively obscure wintry snow-nymph, has been denied entry into the pantheon of mythical faerie-like creatures.
Read full storyIt Was 65 Years Ago Today
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - London - It was 65 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play? Maybe not, but it was the day of Sir Paul McCartney's birth. Paul, the richest rock musician in history, will spend his birthday with his estranged...
Read full storyExposed! Jailbird Paris Stuffs Pussy
LA, Monday - Troubled heiress Paris Hilton's stay in prison took an unexpected twist in the early hours of Monday morning.
Read full storyCambodian Dictator Wins 'Britain's Got Talent' TV Show
A Cambodian dictator, thought to have died in 1998, has been declared the winner of the dreadful TV variety show Britain's Got Talent after his stirring rendition of the operatic favourite Nessun Dorma
Read full storyNew F1 track to be built in sea!
Bum-Bay (India): Here's some great news from the sporting world for all the F1 fans out there. The Indian Association for Lesser Corruption and More sports (IALCMS) announced yesterday that it will start construc...
Read full storyQatar In Sainsbury's Buying Frenzy
Sainsbury family "gutted" as Qatar royal family push meat prices to all time high.
Read full storyMP in call for Speed Camera "Cull"
London, Monday - Conservative MP, and shadow Transport secretary, Cameron David has called for a "cull" of speed cameras on UK roads following figures released on Monday morning.
Read full storyPolice Uncertainty Surrounds Cheshire 'Murder'
Cheshire Police have released more 'sketchy' details about an 'old man' who was stabbed to death near his home in Knutsford at the weekend. The man, initially said to be 81
Read full storyMiddle Eastern Retail Franchise Opportunities
Expressions of interest are currently being solicited from Arabic speaking persons to take up a franchise for our range of our distinctive and increasingly fashionable ready-to-wear, one-size-fits-all products.
Read full storyLou Reed claims Tai Chi is Bee's Knees
LONDON - Lou Reed's latest work, entitled 'Hudson River Wingless Migration', is his first recording of ambient meditation music. Although he has been practicing Tai Chi and clean living for many years, only recently has he been able to r...
Read full storyPol Pot Wins Britain's Got Talent
The ex Cambodian PM shockingly won the Britain's Got Talent show last night. 2 million viewers voted for the tenor after his rendition of Nessun Dorma.
Read full storyGeorge Bush Claims Ron Paul is No Texan
President Bush was over heard saying he didn't believe Ron Paul was a true, good Texan or a true Republican for that matter.
Read full storyPaparazzi Shoots Himself...Talks about it
Streets of Sunset (Some guy) - "I took 1500 shots of myself last night.." laments paparazzo Hunter S. Flash. "But I just couldn't get myself to drop my pants, bend over and shoot, and send it to Women's Day as Johnny Depp's ass. He's not that hairy."...
Read full storyRolling Stones #4 Most Powerful Celebrities in the World (for now)
NEW YORK CITY (Times Staff Reporter) - The Rolling Stones rank fourth on this year's Forbes 100 Most Powerful Celebrities List. The aging rockers slipped two spots from their second-place ranking last year, bringing in 88-million-dollars.
Read full storyEastEnders Dawn In Baby Birth Terror
EastEnders Kara Tointon gives the performance of her life during tonight's episode of the miserable soap when the star, who plays Dawn, gives birth to a bouncing baby boy that is a hideous replica of bog-eyed
Read full storyRacist Chanting Ruins England U-21 Win
The young England team booked their place in the semi-finals of the European Under-21 Championship last night with goals from Reading's Leroy Lita and Blackburn striker Matt Derbyshire in a 2-0 w...
Read full storyKarl Rove To Move To Meadowlands
Apparently not realizing that Meadowlands is a fictional town created by the premium cable network Showtime, Karl Rove announced through a spokesman late this evening that he will be moving there next Sunday.
Read full storyVote For The Newest Seven Wonders of The World
A group from Lisbon is asking web users around the globe to vote on the latest list of Seven Wonders of the World. Voters will have until early July to cast their ballots to determine which seven man made objects created before the year 2000 will be...
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell to Replace Bob Barker as The Price Is Right Host
Retiring host Bob Barker has hand selected Rosie O'Donnell to replace him as the new hostess of The Price is Right. Rosie recently left The View as a co-hostess after having repeated problems with the other stars.
Read full storyAl Gore - A New Warning!
(Bangladesh) - Having milked the global warning issue for all it's worth, former Vice President Al Gore is turning his attention to another issue threatening the planet. Global obesity.
Read full storyTaliban 'Spring Offensive' a Bust
Helmand Province, Afghanistan (Reuterus) - A vaunted 'spring offensive' promised by Taliban fighters failed to materialize according to a senior NATO commander. British Brigadier Mortimer told Reuterus, "We don't if it's short o...
Read full storyCell Phone Implanted In Teen's Brain
(Tokyo) - A Tokyo teen is the first ever to receive a cell phone implant. A cell phone was implanted in 14-year-old Muchi Hai's brain, with tiny speakers connected to her ears and mouth. Now, she can make cell phone calls - via her "brain...
Read full storyNATO defends using human battering rams to stem Afghan civilian casualties
KABUL (Internation Herald Tribunal) - NATO officials announced that they intend to reduce innocent Afghan civilian casualties by employing thousands of volunteer battering rams. After discussing a few different options with the host nation (includin...
Read full storyMagic: The Gathering replacing chess for cerebral strategy games
(Renton, WA) Since its release in 1994, the trading card game Magic: The Gathering has been a huge success, even spawning an online version in 2002. Several other similar games such as Pokemon have shown lesser success.
Read full storyFamed ABC sports journalist finally laid to rest
NEW YORK (New York Toast) - Infamous former American sports commentator, How'weird Gross'smell, was buried this weekend. It turns out that he had actually passed away twelve years ago, but his remains were accidentally left in a seldom-used...
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