Buckingham Palace has admitted Queen Elizabeth has lost interest in her annual Birthday Honours List because so few of the recipients are truly worthy of the accolade.
This year's winners include Australian transvestite Dame Edna Everage, Soviet spy Oleg Gordievsky, pool player Terry Griffiths and Wallace and Gromit voice artist Sylvia Syms.
Losers include male model David Beckham and self-harmist Michael Barrymore.
The Queen has expressed concern that by granting awards to people simply because they are famous may give the false impression she is a social climber trying to ingratiate herself amongst the rich and famous.
As her dilemma coincides with the gap-life chosen by her youngest son His Royal Highness Prince Edward, she has decided to change the distribution system for her annual Honours.
With effect from next year they will be given to Prince Edward to sell by auction on his newly formed eBay shop, "wessex-gongs".
