Helmand Province, Afghanistan (Reuterus) - A vaunted 'spring offensive' promised by Taliban fighters failed to materialize according to a senior NATO commander. British Brigadier Mortimer told Reuterus, "We don't if it's short or long-term. It's as if they have forgotten centuries of their traditional warrior past."
When reached for comment, donkey spokesman for newly-appointed Taliban leader Mullah Nasruddin said, "Our guys are just trying to make us look bad. After Mullah Dadullah died, everyone sort of fell into a funk. Then with so much opium and hashish around, our accountant Mullah Moolah decided to throw a party which got out of hand -- so we had to chain him to his bed."
Of note, the last time a spring offensive was deemed a failure was immediately followed by an ass-whooping of epic proportion against the people making that statement.