Washington D.C. In a surprise move today, said by some insiders as an effort to ward off small-government conservatives from shaking up the GOP, Chairman Mike Duncan announced that the GOP will no longer be called the "Grand Old Party" but will instead be known as the Gargantuan Oligarchy Party.
"This has been discussed for some time within the party apparatus so it really should come as no surprise to our members or those who have paid any attention to politics in the last 30 years", said Duncan in a hastily announced press conference Monday.
Duncan's remarks came after internal GOP memos leaked to the media suggested that Ron Paul was actually more Republican than most of the current republican membership.
"Think of this as 'truth in advertising'", responded Duncan to reporters' questions about the current party platform.
"The platform has really been ignored by republican voters since at least George Herbert Walker Bush's presidency. The voters just don't care and all of that platform wrangling is boring anyway and doesn't garner ratings."
"It is similar to the Spurs vs. the Cavs. Nobody watches it on TV. Campaign delegates and officials kept complaining that modifying the platform to reflect reality was like watching paint dry and took away valuable time drinking during the national convention."
A campaign organizer explained, "The real problem with spending time on that boring technical jargon is that the convention organizers cannot justify budget increases for the national convention if all of the booze isn't quaffed. What we don't spend is marked against us when the budget for the convention is drafted for the following year. It could be devastating. How can we achieve party growth without an increased budget and free booze?"
Duncan was joined by Rudy Guiliani, responsible for the new name, who agreed. "I called Mike, and said to him that as a former New York prosecutor who was tough on fraud, our platform has become a fraud. So we need to update our name and stand for truth. After September 11, the people should know that the days of archaic ideas are dead. Only terrorists would want more freedom at the expense of safety."
"September 11th has made us so busy that we just haven't found the time to reflect party reality in the platform itself. And we don't know if we'll ever get to that. So I suggested that we just change the party name. I mean people don't read the platform anyway. And after living through September 11th, who's got time to read?"
"I don't mind too much if they don't read the platform documents", responded Ron Paul from a campaign stop in Kansas, "I just wish the other GOP members in the House and Senate would read the legislation they vote on".
Duncan assured reporters that 38 republican voters were contacted via land-line and the response was overwhelmingly in favor of the new name. "We did have a couple of suggestions for tweaks on the name, but "Shove It Up Your Ass" was already taken and was also not in sync with 'GOP'.
"I actually liked that suggestion", said Guiliani. "It was actually my first suggestion to Mike, but the whole GOP thing was problematic. I did mention that I lived through September 11th didn't I?"