FDA Bans Sugar
The US Food and Drug Administration banned sugar today in an effort to stop the spread of diabetes and other illnesses related to simple carbohydrates. The ban, effective August 1, 2007, covers table sugar as well as a variety of sugar-related produc...
Read full storyBush Declares War in Effort to Retrieve Watch
In a nearly unprecedented move today George W. Bush declared war on Iran in retaliation for the Albanians nicking his valuable timepiece.
Read full storyBar tabs could pay for health care
A 2006 Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms accounting of profits from beer, wine and liquor sales uncovered a shocking fact. Americans are spending enough on alcoholic drinks to cover the health care costs of the uninsured.
Read full storyCorrupt Bastards Club panics as Congress subpoenas Miers and Taylor
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): The Inner sanctum of the Corrupt Bastards Club is reported to be in a panic tonight as Congress issued subpoenas for two ex-Bush aides - former White House counsel Harriet Miers and political director Sara Taylor.
Read full storyFraudster who stole world wide web idea given Order of Merit
Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): Tim Berners-Lee, the man who successfully defrauded the inventor of the World Wide Web and appropriated it under his own pathetic pea-brained ownership has been given the Order of Merit by Old Fatty Mountbatten, the Pu...
Read full storyChina Cracks Down on U.S. Nuts
China has initiated a tough crackdown on U.S. food imports, rejecting "rancid" pistachio nuts and promising more tough inspections. U.S. exporters call the accusation a low blow whose effects are being felt in all nut-producing regions.
Read full storyParis Hilton Finds God: God Issues Denial
Shortly after Paris Hilton announced that she found God at the medical facility of the Twin Towers detention center God has issued the following statement:...
Read full storyFeta vs. Hummus? One thing in common: Olives
GAZA CITY (Reuterus) - Rival factions clashed fiercely again on Wednesday, disputing the relative merits of 'feta' versus 'hummus'. Palestinian families remain deeply divided on this heated culinary debate.
Read full storyCeltic Tiger dies in Dublin
(Rooters) Ireland is in shock today as the world famous founder of the worlds most successful economy died as a result of a tragic accident.
Read full storySaint Sarah Silverman, Says The Pope
Comedienne Sarah Silverman has been proposed as a non-clerical candidate to be elevated to sainthood, due to her important participation in exposing offenses committed by popular sinner socialite Paris Hilton, said sources near the United States Cath...
Read full storyRosie Sheds A Few
(MUSICMAN PRESS) Television super star Ronnie O'Donnell (formerly Rosie O'Donnell) has reportedly lost 500 pounds, or .25 tons. According to Dr. Rick Head,...
Read full storyU.S. Army denies elephant-size, flesh-eating plankton linked to toxic dump in ocean
After a series of grizzly attacks of swimmers along America's East Coast beaches by mammoth, flesh-hungry plankton, the Army issued a statement today denying that the mutant sea creatures were linked to the dumping of 64 million pounds of nerve a...
Read full storyStone Cold is Bush's Hero
(MUSICMAN PRESS) Move over Superman, Spiderman, Flash Gordon and Jolly Green Giant, there's a new sheriff in town. Not even Pop-Eye the Sailorman can take this hero said President Bush yesterday at a press conference.
Read full storyLandis pleads innocent, offers up stool sample as proof
LOS ANGELES - After a surprise weekend ruling against Floyd Landis on charges that he cheated during last year's Tour de Franz, the professional cyclist appealed to the next higher court yesterday.
Read full storyDavid Letterman To Run For President In 2008
(MUSICMAN PRESS) Former Late Show host, David Letterman, made public his plans to run for the Office of President in 2008. Letterman said that he is well suited because he has been making smart-ass jokes about our politicians for the past thirty year...
Read full storyHouse Of Reps. Passed Carpool Laws
(MUSICMAN PRESS) A starling new development out of Washington D.C. today as the House of Representatives passed a bill requiring all persons on the government payroll to carpool to work and back. The new bill does however have exceptions. Any one who...
Read full storyStudy suggests false immodesty on the rise
Lexington, Kentucky - Anthropologists at the University of Kentucky have finished a ten-year study on the daily habits of Americans. Their primary finding: false immodesty is on the rise.
Read full storyThe Golden Idiot Awards
I have written a couple of articles in the past concerning some of the really dumb questions people ask us at work. Questions, however, are only part of the lunacy we put up with sometimes. On occasion, we have whole conversations that seem to go weird.
Read full storyShimon Peres elected as president of Israel
The well-known 84-year old veteran of Israeli politics Shimon Peres has been elected today as the 9th president of Israel, after winning a vote in the Knesset (parliament of Israel) and defeating the two other contestants by a great advantage (51-38-...
Read full storyBookmakers laugh off suggestions Andy Murray, Andy Roddick have Wimbledon hope in hell
Wimbledon - (Ass Mess): Internet spread-betting index Aintogottaprayer.com has poured scorn that either UK hope Andy Murray or former US Open winner Andy Roddick 'have a hope in hell' of winning this year's Wimbledon Men's Singles Cha...
Read full storyBush's missing Rolex offered on eBay for $100,000
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): President George Bush's platinum Rolex which vanished in a crowded Tirana walkabaout has appeared for sale on eBay at $100,000.
Read full storySir Alan Defends Interview Techniques
London, Wednesday - Ahead of tonight's final of "The Apprentice" airing on BBC1 at 9pm, Sir Alan Sugar has spoken out against the critics of his and his associates' interview approach.
Read full storyLondon building collapse ends Hazel Blears' political ambitions
London - (Ass mess): The Westminster building which collapsed yesterday and which had housed Labour Party Chairwoman Hazel Blears's campaign office for her Deputy Prime Ministerial ambitions may be a blessing in disguise according to Whitehall so...
Read full storyNaked Paris Hilton in Jail, Added to Satirical Headline Instead of Joke.
In a blatant and obvious attempt to receive hits, the words 'Naked Paris Hilton' have been put in the headline of a satirical article. This comes with the full knowledge that this story will receive more hits than anything that is actually w...
Read full storySpoof Writer Goes Crazy - Attacks Three
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Dublin - An unusually aggressive Squirell, of the Mousse&Squirell writing team at TheSpoof.com, attacked three people in a German town before her last victim knocked her out with a crutch, police said Wednesday.
Read full storySenior sex flasher cleared of judge allegations
London - (Ass Mess): One of the UK's most senior sex flashers has been cleared of exposing himself as an Appeal Court Judge to a woman on a packed commmuter train.
Read full storyTaxi drivers to suggest all government policies after success of paedophile castration proposal
John Reid, New Labour's Thug-in-chief, has outlined plans to invite the nation's taxi drivers into the policy-making progress. This comes after the success of the "chemical castration" proposal for paedophiles, suggested by cabbie,...
Read full storyYouTube Censors Ron Paul Videos
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The Internets - In an effort to block, or at least slow down Ron Paul's extreme popularity on the internet, YouTube has been delaying videos meant for Ron Paul's Iowa Straw Poll campaign. This is only one small part of...
Read full storyExercise Will Kill You, Says Top Doctor
A top doctor has issued a stark warning to keep-fit fanatics, claiming that all exercise is dangerous, and too much of it could prove fatal.
Read full storyHomosexuality: The Truth
1947. A year mixed with controversy and doubt. The war is over and Hitler has been defeated but the human race that inhabits this world still faces a grim problem. With the death of millions after world war two the race of man started to breed like never before. Women were having up to 15 children each, desperate to have the offspring of as many war hero's as possible. The Men would abuse thei...
Read full storyFederer To Play Wimbledon With One Hand Tied Behind His Back
Roger Federer, the Wimbledon Mens' Singles champion for the last four years, is to play this year's tournament with a pre-arranged and self-imposed handicap, says his coach.
Read full storyBilly Bob on the Russians
This here's Billy Bob agin. Ah been heerin on thuh grapevine that are feerless dicktatur is fixin' ta' attak Russia. I shore am proud of our dicktatur. He don't take nuthin' offa nobody. Good ol' George.
Read full storyGovernment Setback for Ill Workers at Nuclear Bomb Plant
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - LAKEWOOD, Colo., June 12 - The Bush administration Corrupt Bastards recommended Tuesday that thousands of former workers at a nuclear weapons plant be denied immediate government compensation for illnesses that they say result...
Read full storyEngland no more! For global warming war!
The mood across the land is celebratory as England prepares to make the ultimate sacrifice in the fight against global warming. A source close to the prime minister stated "The prime minster Feels we are losing the battle against flatulence,we dr...
Read full storyLid comes down heavy on repeat sex offenders
New plans to prevent sex offenders from committing terrible and dirty crimes are being announced by the Home Office later today.
Read full storyParis Hilton's Prison Sweat to be Sold on e-Bay
A civilian contractor at the Los Angeles County Jail has collected several vials of tainted socialite Paris Hilton's perspiration, and intends to auction them online. The sweat was allegedly gathered from garments worn by Hilton and later picked...
Read full storyBritish Church sues Hal Robford
The Unthinkable has happened. Hal Robford, the lead singer of UK boyband "A Priest Called Judas" has been sued by UK Church Groups!...
Read full storyJudge Demo Stuns Courtroom
Accused top judge Stephen "Dicky" Richards has demonstrated his innocence.
Read full storyPrince Harry Proposes to Paris Hilton
Somewhere missing, Prince Harry slipped up telling a soldier friend that he is totally head over heels, gaga in love with Paris Hilton. According to sources close to Prince Harry, he's been fixated on Paris ever since he received her sex DVD anon...
Read full storyBob Woolmer Death Mystery Solved
Police in Jamaica have finished their investigation into the strange and, thus far, unexplained death of England cricket legend, and, latterly, Pakistan team coach, Bob Woolmer.
Read full storyHouse of Horrors
A bogus plumber has exposed TV's House of Horrors. Eric Forthright, a Yorkshire Trading Standards Officer has revealed a catalogue of deception by television's House of Horrors programme.
Read full storyJudge Suing Dry Cleaner for $54 Million Backs Iran War
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The judge suing his dry cleaners for $54 million had to leave the courtroom in restraints and with tears running down his face on Tuesday after fondly recalling his lost pair of trousers and stating that he backed war agains...
Read full storyQuixotic Frank and his Posse head West
West Virginia - Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank, the self-proclaimed reincarnate Don Quixote, and his band of 22 supporters are making their way west to 'out' actor Isaiah Washington on the set of his new show, Gay's Anatomy.
Read full storyMilitary takes over JPL; shots fired; deep space Probes coming home?
Pasadena, California - Today a unit of undetermined strength from the 101st Airborne Division was dropped in the hills over looking the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California. Taking employees and nearby residents alike by surprise,...
Read full storyTurkish 'Very Special' Forces given green light for incursion
ANKARA (Reuterus) - Military officials confirmed today that a unit of Turkish Very Special Forces (VSF) commandos have been granted the green light to conduct covert incursions into Kurdish-controlled Iraq.
Read full storyBarney Bush Joins Letterman In Bashing George's Late Show Performance
Barney the White House dog spoke out today on W's performance as the new Late Show host. "Letterman should never have left! Now I have to listen to George practice his jokes all day." Barney says he will protest his master's inar...
Read full storyBreakthrough at Sub-Molecular Level WOWS Scientists
Warren University - A stunning conclusion to a decades long chase took place quite accidentally on May 22 2007 by teams who were trying to prove the existence of the Higgs Boson in exotic experiments using the top particle accelerators of the world&#...
Read full storyBush Wristwatch Planned Daring Defection
In an unusual twist, the George Bush wristwatch has revealed that it planned its own disappearance. The valuable timepiece is currently in hiding in the Albanian countryside and in a secret interview told a BBC reporter of its remarkable defection.
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