Written by Rickers

Wednesday, 13 June 2007


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

1947. A year mixed with controversy and doubt. The war is over and Hitler has been defeated but the human race that inhabits this world still faces a grim problem. With the death of millions after world war two the race of man started to breed like never before. Women were having up to 15 children each, desperate to have the offspring of as many war hero's as possible. The Men would abuse their power and new found status. The remaining survivors of the war were seen as a higher race. A super power that refused to be beaten on the field of war and would now lead their country against anything the world could throw at them. Men would take several wives, various girlfriends and still find the time to spread their seed with as many fertile women as they could find. The human race was increasing by the second. The country of England was becoming over populated. Something had to be done. This is what happened.

Please do not read on if you do not want to find out the truth. The stories in this article are based on fact recently uncovered after years of secrecy. Some of you may find this difficult to take but you must be strong for the future of man depends on this. The truth must be told.

The rate of the population was increasing by the second. The government was called into emergency meetings to discuss the future of our country. Here they were told that if the population rate increases at this same steady rate then by the year 2010 the population of England will stand at 9 billion people. This means each person would have an average of 2.5 meters squared each. Something had to be done. The county's top scientist joined together and created a plan far worse than Hitler's final solution. They created a virus.

The idea was to stop reproduction. To cut down the number of pregnancies by over half. But how could this be done? How could a natural urge be stopped? How could they stop a Man from impregnating a woman?

For five years the scientist worked together, all the time the population increased and the leaders of the country started to become anxious. But there was an answer. This answer was darker and more horrifying than anyone could possibly imagine. So it was that work began on the GAYS virus.

The GAYS virus, standing for Gender Alteration Yaxinoums (that's a chemical) Syndrome was a virus created to stop this rapid population growth. Once infected with the virus the unthinkable would happen. Man would turn to man. The GAYS Virus would make man alter his sexual attractions towards other men. Every human in the world could contract the virus but it was only the lesser humans, the weak willed, the emotionally fragile members of the race that it would affect. A virus was trying to be developed to stop man from having his natural urges. To make him celibate and no longer feel the need to copulate with the female of the species. This, however, was impossible. The human urge to fornicate was too strong to be simply stopped and all tests failed due to the overpowering need to mate. So it was decided that if it was impossible to stop sexual urges, then these urges should simply be altered to something different.

No matter how unthinkable that sounds it was seen as the only way to stop this massive rise in population.

Early tests on Monkeys proved the GAYS virus to be a success. However, there was a problem. A certain compound found within the strain named CAMP (Common Antics Manipulated Perversely) was found to have a very peculiar effect indeed. The male monkeys would start to behave like females. The pitch of their voice grew, they started to shake their hips seductively as they walked and started to develop a bizarre fascination with tight clothing.

Major work had to be completed to remove the compound CAMP. If the virus was released as it was then men would never be able to hide the fact that they have contracted the illness. Maybe even, god forbid, be proud of it. So work was being made to remove this part when the worst happened. A monkey escaped.

On august the 17th 1954 Paul Burrows walked into a local countryside. It was a normal day for Paul, working as a postman for a small village in Yorkshire, and each day he will stop off at the same park, sit on the same bench and eat the same sandwich of cheese and pickle that his loving wife made him everyday. However this would not be a normal day for Paul. This day would change his life and the rest of the worlds forever.

While he was enjoying his smoked cheese (a delicacy for a postman at that time) covered in large dollops of Branston Pickle (also a delicacy) he heard a strange rustling sound behind him. He was confused by this as the rustling did not sound like a fox (all postmen realise that a fox has a very distinct rustle as it makes it way through a hedge) and it couldn't be a young child (this being a school day in the 1950's where truancy was actually punishable with death) so therefore what could this rustle be? He turned to investigate this rustle further but by the time he realised what this creature with tiny black eyes, small furry hands and wearing a vest and hot pants was it was too late. The monkey attacked Paul biting down hard on the poor mans hand until Paul released the sandwich. Paul tried to catch the beast as it skipped off into the woods but the animal was just too fast.

Three days passed and Paul started to have extraordinary urges, most unlike what he had ever felt before. He went and brought himself a pair of skin tight trousers without even realising what he was doing. His sense of humour changed. Jokes about male genitalia, before sounding immature and unintelligent, now became hilariously funny. In fact he started to find it very difficult to laugh at all unless there was some sort of sexual innuendo involved. Of course, most disturbingly, he started to have feeling for his own sex. Men were no longer just the humans that you sat with in the local bar, they were now sexual objects in his eyes and he embraced this.

The virus was free and now spreading rapidly. Anyone that came in contact with Paul would almost certainly catch the disease and then pass it on to whoever they came into contact with. Most were lucky and the disease did not have any effect on them but there were people who the virus had a big effect on. Slowly but surly the virus spread across the whole of England, then onto Scotland and Wales. It was not long before all of Europe had been infected. In under a year the disease had infected the whole world. Except France where they had already created their own virus know commonly as ARROGANCE.

Something had to be done. The scientists whose plan was to release a simple virus that would slow down reproduction had now created a whole race of hanky waving man pansies. The Men who were infected by the virus started to tell people about their atrocities and claim that it was a normal part of human life. Some even started to not only act, but dress like women as well. A disease that should have been kept secret, forcing its victims to lead a repressed and sheltered life was now taking form as a social movement. Something had to be done.

By the early 1980's the homosexual movement was getting out of control. Victims of the illness had started to promote themselves as normal and acceptable members of society. A new group of scientists gathered and developed a cure. In 1981 the AIDS virus was created as means of wiping out the otherwise un-curable society of homosexuals. A disease that was only to be passed on through sexual activity it was believed that it would stay within this society, wiping them slowly out until the world was clean again. Unfortunately this was not to be. Some people had developed only half of the condition and were still mating with the opposite sex. They called themselves Bi-Sexual, a grotesque half breed, half normal but with a darker, sick perverted side. These were less easy to spot and would mix in with normal humans. The AIDS virus spread among the normal. A cure had to be developed. The homosexuals lived on.

So why is this the first time you have heard this tale? Why has it taken so long for the truth to be told? The answer to that lies within a deep society. A secret kept between its members for over 50 years. Now it is time to break their secret. The People's Organisation of Old Fruits or POOF as they are know started in 1956 by founding member George Haunton who goes under the code name of Big Bunny Fist lover. Haunton starter the group in an attempt to keep the truth away from the masses who would condemn the homosexuals, seeing them as the mutations that they are. It was the group's mission to keep the true information away and plant new, false information to prove that homosexuality didn't start from a virus but is actually a perfectly normal way of human life. But they had a challenge ahead of them. Who in their right mind would believe that two men having sex with each other and wanting to spend their lives as a couple would be a normal element of human life? For years they planted information, claiming the Greek soldiers would take there fellow man as their lover in times of battle, that famous writers and artists around before the release of the virus also found love in the arms of another man. They even went as far as saying that even animals could be gay. This retelling of history continued until the homosexual society started to be accepted as normal. This is how it stands today.

Now you know the truth. What you choose to do with this I leave in your hands.

Some of you may ask 'why has this true telling of the facts not discussed the truth behind lesbians?' The truth here is, lesbians aren't sick. They have not been infected with a virus. They're just too ugly to get a man.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more