Written by Cal Jennings

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

image for Government Setback for Ill Workers at Nuclear Bomb Plant
Bush gives nuclear workers early Christmas present

CCN (Crazy Cal News) - LAKEWOOD, Colo., June 12 - The Bush administration Corrupt Bastards recommended Tuesday that thousands of former workers at a nuclear weapons plant be denied immediate government compensation for illnesses that they say result from years of radiation exposure there. They have recommended that a time-consuming process be implemented for sick workers from Rocky Flats and other American nuclear facilities who may apply for $150,000 in compensation, plus medical benefits, if there is evidence that they suffer from any of 22 kinds of cancer linked to radiation.

They have stated that the worker must first file a claim with the Labor Department, a step that brings a lengthy investigation in which scientists from the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, through records, research and lengthy, unnecessary interviews, determine eligibility by establishing the radiation dose incurred by the worker. If the scientists are unable to determine the dose, the worker may file for "special exposure cohort" status which pays bupkiss for their extremely expensive treatments which shall in no way be paid for by their insurance program.

As reported in the New York Times, workers made the following statements,

    "I'm stunned," said Laura Schultz, a former plutonium worker who has suffered from cervical and kidney cancer. "We don't have the money to keep fighting for this."

    Judy Padilla, who worked as a sheet metal worker at Rocky Flats for 22 years and has since had a mastectomy, told the board: "We ask neither for sympathy nor charity. All we ask for is the truth."

    "It's hard for me to even read anymore," said Mr. Wolf, whose bald head is creased by a nine-inch scar from brain surgery related to his cancer.

"Whine, whine, whine," said Mark Griffon, a consultant on radiation and hazardous waste who was just inducted into the Corrupt Bastards Club. "I feel that the agency's scientists have proved that they could accurately reconstruct the radiation dose level for most Rocky Flats workers. It should take you a couple years to try to fight this, and by then at least half of you will be dead and you won't bother us anymore."

This is part of the Bush administrations plans for the New World Order in which all individuals shall be pawns of the state and shall have no access to representation for any injury sustained in the line of duty. The corporate presidents and all of the Corrupt Bastards love the idea.

"Let's see them try to file a frivolous lawsoot like this after I take over as dicktatur," said President Bush.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more