The Golden Idiot Awards

Written by Jalapenoman

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

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I have written a couple of articles in the past concerning some of the really dumb questions people ask us at work. Questions, however, are only part of the lunacy we put up with sometimes. On occasion, we have whole conversations that seem to go weird.

To those people, we proudly present the Golden Idiot Award.

To set the scene for you, let me first say that I manage a Subway restaurant in a large truck stop/travel center. I am also over all of same concepts of restaurants in a three state area for my company and, on occasion, train new managers for those locations.

Following are the top five Golden Idiot Awards for 2007 (year to date, as there will be more):

#5. A smartly dressed man, obviously a professional somewhere, came in and requested the low fat lettuce for his sandwich. He insisted that every other Subway in the country was able to comply with his request. Obviously, the shredded iceberg lettuce, which is 99% water and 1% fiber, has far too much saturated fat for his sandwich.

#4. A lady ordered a six inch turkey sandwich, which comes with three slices of turkey. She was slightly upset that there was not a second layer of meat. When asked if she would like the sandwich with double meat, she said that she wanted the "black layer." We clarified that she did not mean a darker meat (like roast beef, steak, or bacon). No, she wanted the black layer of turkey. Apparently, turkeys now come in Technicolor. Either that, or turkeys have races. After all, you have heard of Honeysuckle White, haven't you?

#3. We had a sign up advertising that any six inch sandwich could be made into a foot long for only $2.00 more. This is the regular price and was not a special. One man came up, ordered a six inch chicken breast sandwich, and said that he wanted the extra six inches for just $2.00 more.

We said something like: "okay, that will be a foot long chicken breast?"

He replied that he did not want to pay for the foot long, but wanted the six inch and the other half for only $2.00 more, just like we were advertising.

We attempted to point out to him on our menu board that this was the regular price and not a special.

He still insisted that he did not want a foot long, but wanted the six inch, with the other six inches for just $2.00 more.

We fixed it that way and charged him for a foot long.

When we handed him his change and receipt, he smiled happily and walked away.

#2. A man came in and asked for a shrimp sandwich. We told him that we didn't have that kind of meat. He said that he'd have a meatball instead. He then asked what was on that sandwich.

We told him that it had meatballs, marinara sauce, cheese, and his choice of vegetables and dressings.

He then said that he wanted a foot long tuna. We took out his bread and cut it, when he interrupted and said that he wanted a six inch instead.

We put the tuna on the bread, and then he asked for meatballs. We asked if he meant a second sandwich, meatballs instead of tuna, or meatballs on the tuna.

He said that he wanted meatballs on the side.

We finished the sandwich and rang it up. As he was paying, he saw pastrami advertised on the menu board and asked what kind of meat it was.

We told him that it was similar to corned beef.

He said, "So it's like cow meat?"

We answered, "Yes sir, like corned beef."

He blinked, shook his head, and said "I can't have cow meat."

So what was he doing buying beef based meatballs?

Our grand prize, however, goes to:

#1. A gentleman walked up to our front counter and incoherently asked for a turwhea sandwich. We asked if he'd like a turkey sandwich. He babbled to himself for a minute, then begin asking for the prices on the tuna, and then the turkey. He stated emphatically that he did not want bacon on either one.

He said this so often that we interrupted him and told him that, unless he specifically ordered a sandwich with bacon, we did not put bacon on except as requested.

He said one more time, "I don't want no bacon." We nodded and he pointed to the picture of the tuna sandwich on the menu. "I want dat one."

"The tuna?"

"Yes," he said, " with turkey."

"You want tuna with turkey?'

"No, just turkey."

"So, you'd like a turkey sandwich?"

"Yes, but no bacon."

At this point, he frowned, looked at the meats, and then asked, "what meat is in the turkey?"

At this point, one employee snickered, another had to run to the back room not to laugh out loud, and the third just kind of stared at him with blank disbelief. The customer behind him was looking at him quizzically as if he was an absolute idiot.

We said, "ummm…turkey."

He nodded and pointed at the wheat bread.

We begin making the sandwich. At one point, he tried coming through, over, and around the glass to, as he said, "snag some pickles."

Once the sandwich was nearly made, he asked for tuna.

We explained that, if we put tuna on it also, we'd have to charge him for double meat. He asked how much that was. When we told him, he leaned over, peered at the tuna, shook his head, and said "no bacon."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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