After a series of grizzly attacks of swimmers along America's East Coast beaches by mammoth, flesh-hungry plankton, the Army issued a statement today denying that the mutant sea creatures were linked to the dumping of 64 million pounds of nerve and mustard gas agents into the Atlantic Ocean.
"There is no verifiable scientific connection between the grossly abnormal plankton and the toxic materials introduced into the Atlantic Ocean. The cause of the mutant sea life may be totally natural in origin."
Along beaches in New Jersey and Virginia, at least twenty swimmers have been attacked and some even eaten by the creatures that seem to prey on overweight female bathers. Human extremities and vital organs have reportedly been washed up all along the entire eastern seaboard.
Along with the 64 million pounds of nerve and mustard gas agents, the Army admits it also tossed 400,000 chemical-filled bombs, land mines and rockets and more than 500 tons of radioactive material into the Atlantic Ocean.
Sightings of shrimp the size of cruise ships and flying seals have also been reported. The army maintains that aquatic abnormalities like three-headed tuna are simply part of the normal evolutionary process among sea creatures.