New plans to prevent sex offenders from committing terrible and dirty crimes are being announced by the Home Office later today.
Following on from recent, but mainly unresponsive libido-reducing drugs, Whitehall plan to lower the beasts' raging sex drive with a controversial new method.
This involves slamming all offenders' testicles in either a car door, cat flap or heavy suitcase.
Pioneering Westminster sex-scientist Dr Harold Chicken-Bone explained: "Where once castration was thought to dim an oddball's mojo, such a method would no doubt be highly frowned upon today.
"After almost seven years of lab-conducted experiments, our team can now reveal that knacker-slamming is by far and away the most cost effective approach to reducing repetition in sex offenders.
"While a top of the range car door slamming may, on occasion, cost up to £150 per testicle, a firm suitcase, such as one seen carried by Alan Whicker in the 1970s, would be far more cost effective.
"Recent tests conclude that the entire testicular sac could be wounded for less than a fiver."
Under current legislation, sex offenders are allowed to leave jail following the completion of their custodial sentence.
But under new guidelines, they will be subjected to stringent testing before being released.
Dr Chicken-Bone explained: "In the final week of their sentence, prisoners will be shown photographs similar in appearance to their victims.
"If they blink rapidly, utter: 'Ooh I say' or attempt a Godforsaken lunge at the snap then car door it is.
"We hope to save the taxpayer thousands."
Government officials insist that the technique is not life-threatening.