Foreclosure proceedings initiated on the White House
Bank of America announced today, that in what is being described as an "accounting oversight", foreclosure proceedings have been initiated on the White House, which could eventually force the eviction of the Obama family. Some are calling it a signif...
Read full storyCommonwealth Swimmers get Delhi Belly
Commonwealth Games Federation president Michael Fennell has said he is worried about the number of swimmers who are becoming ill in Delhi. Over 50 swimmers have become unwell after competing at the Mukherjee Aquatics Complex. The complex named a...
Read full storyTitanic was Sunk by Aliens
We can exclusively reveal that new research by members of the Interplanetary Mission of the Latter Day Aliens is said to prove, finally, that the Titanic sank after hitting a UFO which was floating in the north Atlantic whilst surveying Ley Lines.
Read full storyGeorge W - London Mayoral Election Update 10
George W's secretary Monica Leudinski has announced that he went out today to choose his Trick or Treat costume and ordered a Quark costume. George W has long been a fan of the Ferengis in Star Trek and loves watching Quark in Deep Space Nine. We...
Read full storyCaught in the act - lusty western athletes winning gold in condom-sport at Delhi Games. Brits, Aussies, Canadians keeping mum
Western-media bashing of the Commonwealth Games was raised to high decibels just before the games began. Now complaints have begun emanating from athletes bathrooms. Only this time the western media can't bash the Indian politicians, the Games chie...
Read full storyNew Gay Toilets for Parliament
So great are the number of Gay MPs now in the House of Commons that the Speaker has ordered a new set of public toilets especially for the gay members. Partitions have been removed between urinals and in their place large magnifying mirrors have b...
Read full storyNokia Enter the Digital Firework Market
Nokia entered the ever growing digital firework market this week with the Nokia Vesuvius Express Music 3X-MDF. This top-of-the range firework not only has a touch screen eruption but has a superb built in MP3 player, USB connection and a SIM free 4G...
Read full storyParis Hilton Sporting Black Eye, Crooked Nose Over Treatment Of Lindsay Lohan?
Paris Hilton slipped past reporters Monday night while running with two bodyguards into a hotel after rumors flew that she had been beaten up over the recent photographs of her and Lindsay Lohan 'drugging and a hugging' photographs. A spokesman la...
Read full storyBilly Ray Cyrus & Son, Trace, To Host UFO Show, Visit Other Planets, Miley
The new 'Cyrus' show is about how real UFO's are and why they are called UFO's. In the early episodes they will explain that UFO's are like "Unidentified Flying Objects" or "something weird looking like Trace", grins Billy Ray. "You ever seen a fa...
Read full storyX-Factor's Katie Waissel's Dark Secret Past Revealed
The dark tragedy of Katie Waissel's past is about to be revealed and its a real shocker. Friends are so worried about what the revelations will do to Katie, that they have even offered journalists money to withhold their information. But here, at S...
Read full storyNorton Folgate's Theory on Dogs
Today we have been discussing dogs with Professor Norton Folgate, and in particular how dogs communicate. When we say "we have been discussing" what we really mean is that Professor Folgate rambled and we furiously scribbled notes. The 'discussion' started with the Prof talking about different breeds of dogs before moving on. As usual, what follows is the undiluted transcript of Professor...
Read full storyRed Alert on the Northern Canal, UK as German U Boat surfaces!
Innocent out of work anglers passing the time of day on the Northern Canal got the shock of their lives as a German U Boat surfaced before their very eyes and frightened away their tiddlers. "I could have swore I saw that dirty Kraut Admiral Karl...
Read full storyLabour Sludge Outrage
Accusations are flying in political circles that the Labour Party are behind the Red Sludge toxic deluge in Hungary. 'Their aim clearly' said a Party spokesperson 'is to turn the Blue Danube into the Red Danube. This disaster has Labout footprints...
Read full storyCigarettes to be put on prescription
At the recent Conservative party conference it was announced by Prime Minister, David Cameron, that it would be a "jolly wheeze" to make cigarettes available on prescription. Many of his fellow party members asked him to "packet in". In what is sa...
Read full storyNew Zealand branded as racists because Indian minister Mrs. Dikshit didn't find it funny?
New Zealand home of it's indigenous Maori's and many immigrants including "black sheep" have been branded "racists" by Indian Chief Minister Mrs (wait for it) Dikshit. She just happens to be managing the Delhi Commonwealth games and has made a fin...
Read full storyRoy Halladay is a Talentless Loser, Says Reds' Jay Bruce. A--hole.
Roy Halladay was one pitch away from post-season immortality. And Jay Bruce f--ked it up. While the Phillies' ace --does anyone even remember Chiff Whats-his-name anymore?-- did manage to throw only the second no-hitter in postseason history We...
Read full story8,000 Used Condoms Clog Up Village Drains At Commonwealth Games
Thousands of flushed condoms threaten to choke the Commonwealth Games village's drainage system, media reports said, in the latest problem to hit the venue from hidden snakes to outbreaks of dengue to rabid bats to gorilla or rather, monkey warfare.
Read full storyPubs to become NHS care centres
In an effort to save the huge amounts of money, wasted each year in England on Ambulance crews and petrol, used in fetching booze fuelled malcontents to hospitals, the NHS trust are taking the unusual step of installing a fully staffed Emergency Care...
Read full storySir Catherine Zeta-Jones, CBE, Says Michael Douglas Near End Of Chemotherapy; Will Die This Month?
Sir Catherine Zeta-Jones, CBE, a Knight of the Round Table*, is waving goodbye to Michael Douglas' chemotherapy regimen, and his weather, old, flabby ass, as she marks the days when she can put that fossil in a pine box, probate his formidable Will,...
Read full storyNew Bottled Water Launched by Water Utility Company
A major water supplier in the south of England is launching a new bottled water which it says is as pure as the water you get from your tap. They got the idea after a certain dark fizzy drink manufacturer tried to sell bottles of tap water from Sidcup, in Kent. A spokesperson claims that the major bottled waters are all unpurified and therefore its new water, which it calls Limpido, and is,...
Read full storyPlacebo Cancel Final Dates Of European Tour, No One Gives a Sh-t.
A band no one has ever heard of has decided to cancel the final dates of the European leg of their "Who The F--k Are You Guys?" tour, and no one gives a fat monkey's ass about it. It's Only Funny In The United States... ... because no one here has...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp has utmost sympathy for the Liverpool's owners, George Gillett and Tom Hicks
This was Anfield, LIVERPOOL: To consternation on Merseyside, Harry Redknapp has written in their 'favourite' paper, that that he has "...utmost sympathy for the Reds' owners, George Gillett and Tom Hicks." Harry Redknapp, in his own words about L...
Read full storyWestboro Baptists Sue God. Claim He "Doesn't Really Mind Fags."
Washington, DC (BNSE): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their "God Hates Fags" protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal Distric...
Read full storyHungarian Sludge To Blame For Commonwealth Games Swimming Pool Problems
Toxic red sludge from a spill at an industrial plant in Hungary could be to blame for a spate of illnesses amongst swimmers at the Commonwealth Games in Delhi, it has been claimed by a madman. The sludge has killed all the fish in one river in Hun...
Read full storyAnne Widdicome Launches New Scent
It appears that Anne Widdicome has hit on another winner and stands to make thousands of pounds after her appearance on Strictly Come Dancing. Following her sweaty swarré around the dance floor she discarded her dank sweaty Victorian sized knicker...
Read full storyIs My Girlfriend Straight? QUIZ
Girls: Have you ever felt that your girlfriend was Straight? If you did, could you see the signs? If not keep reading and fill out the quiz to find out just how Straight your girl might be. 1.) Does she have more friends who are girls or more who are guys? 2.) Does she go out of her way to see boys? 3.) Has she ever dated a boy? 4.) Does she tell you what she is doing often? 5.) Doe...
Read full storyDelhi Belly strikes Commonwealth Swimmers
Stomach cramps, diarrhoea and vomiting is sweeping across the swimming squads at this year's Commonwealth games in Delhi. Team doctors have identified several different bacteria responsible and have concluded that they are picking up the strains from...
Read full storyFirefighters did the Christian thing in letting house burn to the ground
A controversy has erupted over a decision by the South Fulton, TN fire department to allow a rural home in Obion County to burn to the ground because the owner did not pay the requisite $75 annual fee to secure fire protection. The fire department...
Read full storyCommonwealth Games Swimming Pool 'Full Of Piss'
There were calls for the Commonwealth Games swimming pool to be emptied and cleaned tonight, after investigations by games officials found that it was full of urine. The investigation took place after several swimmers complained of stomach upsets...
Read full storyGiant Turd Found At Bottom Of Commonwealth Games Swimming Pool
Commonwealth Games officials investigating the quality of the water in the Games' swimming pool have revealed that they have found what may have been causing illness amongst several of the swimmers - a giant turd. England's team leader John Atkins...
Read full storyBBC to scrap celebrity talent show
The BBC announced yesterday that it is to scrap plans for their forthcoming show "Celebrity Talent". A spokesman said that despite interviewing more than 800 D list celebrities it had been impossible to find enough of them with some modicum of tal...
Read full storyPornography on the Internet nominated for Nobel Peace Prize.
One surprising contender for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, more so than the Internet itself, or last years winner, Barrack Obama, who bagged the peace gong just for turning up it seems, is Internet Porn. The internet is just one other of the m...
Read full storyBoob Job On Benefits Mum Named 'Entrepreneur Of The Year'
Young single mum, Kelly Marshall from Cornwall, who has five kids by four different fathers and has never worked a day in her life was today named 'Entrepreneur Of The Year' by Sir Alan Saccharine. Kelly, who funded breast augmentation surgery out...
Read full storySarah Palin Welcomes Naked Cowboy for Top Job as President
New York City's own Naked Cowboy announced Tuesday that he would be running for President in 2012 on the National Tea Party Ticket. He claims he has a plan for America and it does not include room for liberals. Sarah Palin immediately tweeted her...
Read full storyMan Becomes Believer When Money Falls Out of Sky
Horace Whimpley was driving along the Indiana interstate near Indianapolis Wednesday when he says he began to see money falling out of the sky. As he looked closer, he realized an armored car directly in front of him had unwittingly released several...
Read full storyEntire Blocs of People Heading for Hills to Avoid Biometric Technologies
Technological advances in how people are doing their business these days have prompted one of the largest exoduses in America. Entire close-knit groups, mainly large families banding together, are pooling their resources and heading for the rugged wi...
Read full storyAshley Cole Denies Sending Cheryl X-Factor Death Threats
Insiders informed us this morning that Ashley Cole has vehemently denied sending his ex-wife Cheryl death threats on the interweb dot net over her decision to overlook Gamu Nhengu on the X-Factor in favour of frail and vulnerable Cher Lloyd, and blue...
Read full storyObama Announces Pilot Project to Convert Human Waste from White House into "Power for the people!"
Borrowing technology invented in the UK, President Obama announced today a break thru in combating Global Warming by appearing at a ribbon cutting ceremony at a brand new Sewage Treatment Plant off the West Wing which he said will cut the country's...
Read full storyHigh Street Baker's Porridge Plans "Accident Waiting To Happen!"
High Street baker Greggs plans to cash in on the breakfast market by selling porridge. The move follows the success it has enjoyed recently selling bacon rolls. It has sold seven million of the breakfast butties since they were introduced in Febru...
Read full storyPlant Extracts Reduce Anxiety Say Scientists
Herbal medicines containing passion flower or kava extract reduce anxiety studies have shown. Boffins at the Global Neuroscience Initiative Foundation (GNIF) carried out 24 studies to prove that the amino acids lysine and arginine had the same eff...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Loses £12 Million
The latest "football rich list" contains alarming news for beleaguered Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney. It shows that he has fallen from 65th to 89th overall and to sixth in the players' rankings. The slump is accounted for by t...
Read full storyPlans To Extend Headmasters' Powers Outside School Derided
Plans by Education Secretary Michael Gove to allow headmasters to discipline pupils "any time, any place, anywhere" face derision. He told the Tory party conference: "At the moment heads are prevented from dealing with their pupils if they run wil...
Read full storyLocal Man E-Mails Sexually Alluring Scantily Clad Russian Girl
After being constantly bombarded with internet advertisements featuring sexually alluring Russian girls who were apparently looking for him, local man, Martin Shuttlecock this morning bit the bullet and sent off an e-mail to a sexy Russian temptress...
Read full storyHobbit Movie Row - Sam Neill Steps In.
Much-loved and respected Kiwi actor Sam Neill has stepped into the row brewing between the New Zealand government and film unions over the on-off movie, The Hobbit. The prequel to the tremendously successful Lord of the Rings trilogy is under thre...
Read full storyCheryl Cole In X-Factor Death Threat Drama
Cheryl Cole - the nation's sweetheart - was today hiding behind a skip at her Hertfordshire mansion after supposedly receiving electronic death threats from disgruntled X-Factor fans. Cheryl has been lambasted over the last few days and accused of...
Read full storyPrince Philip's Memoirs to be Published
Consternation in Royal circles has grown to fear on the news that Prince Philip's Memoirs are to be published shortly. Extracts are due for publication in the 'Suday Times' and 'News of the World'. Rupert Murdoch is confident this should ensure a...
Read full storyLiverpool and Everton to merge?
The new owners of Liverpool FC have noted that the fan base for the club is not as large as it could be, and have put this down to there being another Premiership club just across the park from Anfield. "We have put an offer in to buy Evertone," s...
Read full storyGordon Brown: Ode to a Leader
Tony was gone. It was my time to shine. Move to the house between 11 and 9. Go to the Queen in a fancy car. Everyone's talking about me. At last I'm a star. Then things got squiffy. The economy crashed, the mistakes I made as Chancellor trashed the economy system. All was in flames. Some pointed fingers. Others shouted names. I? I worked on. As the war lumbered on. Northern Rock alrea...
Read full storyNew, Safe, Digital Fireworks
The weeks leading up to November 5th, always a worrying time for the Fire Brigade and hospitals. Now there's a solution - digital fireworks. Instead of lighting the touchpaper and running for your life, all you need do with the new Digital Fire...
Read full storyLondon Borough Promotes Body Composting
A large London borough is to encourage residents to compost the dead bodies of relatives at home instead of sending them for burial or cremation. The council cemetery is full and burning bodies creates large amounts of carbon dioxide which 'the Lo...
Read full storyPenguin Stolen from London Zoo Recovered
A penguin stolen from London Zoo on Tuesday has been recovered and returned to the zoo unharmed. A woman was apprehended running along the strand with the penguin under her arm on Wednesday night. She had dressed the bird in baby clothing to try t...
Read full storyGeorge W - London Mayoral Election Update 9
Things have been quiet during the last few days. George W has taken a break from his hectic schedule to do some more work on his Lego model of London Bridge. His secretary, Monica, tells us that he has been lying on the floor surrounded by thousan...
Read full storyMichael Vick Injures His Hold-a-Dog-Underwater-Until-It's-Dead Muscle.
During last week's game against the Washington Redskins, whose quarterback looked eerily familiar, especially when he started throwing passes to his receivers' ankles, Eagles Starting QB / Animal Rights Spokesperson Michael Vick was injured, necessit...
Read full storyGoogle Screws With People On Drugs By Launching Google Maps 3-D
On April 1st of this year, Google decided to screw with the minds of those who had glaucoma --or some other reason to legally be using medical marijuana-- by introducing a 3-D mode for Street View in Google Maps. Most Google users believed that t...
Read full storyCape Ground Squirrel Study Proves Wanking Necessary to Avoid STDs
A recent study has concluded that male Cape ground squirrels have a reason for being one of the most prolific wanking species on the planet. They are ensuring the healthiness of their privates. One has to wonder if these study results had been aro...
Read full storyDorothy Reflects on Returning from Oz at Reunion
Garden City, KS - Dorothy Gail of Kansas turned 89 years old today. (Don't try to tell her she's older! Just a fair warning from one who tried!). We caught up with Dorothy as she was out walking Toto the XII on a dirt road near her farm on her way to a reunion with other Wizard of Oz characters. "Dorothy how does it feel 71 years later to have returned from a magical world like Oz to our world...
Read full storyLight Drinking no Risk to Baby say Researchers
Drinking does not raise the risk of developmental problems for babies, a study has suggested. A study of more than 11,000 babies under two years old, published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health found no evidence of harm. The s...
Read full storyJohn Lennon's 70th Birthday By Yokel OhNo!
If John Lennon had lived to be 70, Yoko Ono thinks he would have been more relaxed about the milestone than he was about his 40th birthday, according to a report carried by the 'Daily Blabbermouth'. OhNo recalls the ex-Beatle fretting about reachi...
Read full storySteroid Therapy Treatment - A Descent into Madness
Oh sweet bed you mock me from your prominent position at the center of my universe your covers pull back slightly, pillows skewed, beckoning, beckoning for me to once again come within your folds and partake of your soft luxurious wonderments. You taunt me with your scent of freshly laundered linens, the coziness you exude only mocks me more as I cannot partake with eyes wide open, I must not e...
Read full storyFormer US Presidents Meet to Discuss the Presidency
Washington DC: Four gentlemen were seen entering the US Capitol, which is currently empty as most of the Congressmen and Senators have gone home to stump for reelection. They were former Presidents James E Carter (D-39), George HW Bush (R-41), Willia...
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