Today we have been discussing dogs with Professor Norton Folgate, and in particular how dogs communicate.
When we say "we have been discussing" what we really mean is that Professor Folgate rambled and we furiously scribbled notes.
The 'discussion' started with the Prof talking about different breeds of dogs before moving on.
As usual, what follows is the undiluted transcript of Professor Norton Folgate's Theory on Dogs.
"Dogs, whilst generally a friendly bunch, are, in essence, wild animals.
All sorts of dogs are available, in different colours and sizes, however the ones that are best for most people depend on differing factors, such as house size and stuff.
More interestingly is the way in which different breeds of dog communicate with each other.
Whilst walking my dog, a black and brindle Staffordshire Bull Terrier, the other morning we met with a Golden Retriever and it's owner.
It may have been a Golden Labrador, but I couldn't tell as it was quite dark at the time and the Golden dog was only a puppy therefore didn't shine as much as a, say, five year old dog would.
Anyway, I digress. The dogs immediately set about sniffing each other, first their noses then their nether regions.
I knew there was no cause for alarm in the mating department as both dogs were bitches (a contradiction there, but you know what I mean, don't you??) but I really hoped neither was a lesbian bitch.
I knew mine wasn't.
Or did I?
Then they started prancing around together.
I thought they were playing, they certainly weren't fighting, but it made me think, were they communicating?
I think they were.
I think the whole ritual was a form of communication, obviously a canine form of communication as both dogs, which we have established are, in fact, bitches, are canines and always have been.
I was amazed at how they could understand each other, as they were of different nationality, but perhaps they are a more intelligent species than we ever thought.
They were originally discovered by Cook you know.
He was exploring China and found some wild ones near the wall, wandering around lost so he took them home to Brighton and bred them.
Not many people know that, but I digress again.
So the two dogs had a good old sniff and a prance and then went off to play.
Not once did they bark at each other.
Most people think that barking is the way dogs, and bitches, communicate but I think it isn't.
The truth, as far as I am concerned, is that the real communication is what I have described above and when a dog barks it is taking part in a big fat canine joke against the human race.
Each dog knows this, having been taught at an early age by it's mother, no matter what nationality they are."