Google Screws With People On Drugs By Launching Google Maps 3-D

Written by anthonyrosania

Thursday, 7 October 2010

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On April 1st of this year, Google decided to screw with the minds of those who had glaucoma --or some other reason to legally be using medical marijuana-- by introducing a 3-D mode for Street View in Google Maps.

Most Google users believed that the feature would be gone before they ran out of their last gram, and ended up scraping the Rez out of their bong filters to smoke.

Perhaps the joke is on all of us, because the 3-d feature seems to now be a permanent fixture of Google Maps, although it clearly serves only one purpose.

"I was using the 3-D glasses that came with my sister's Blu-Ray copy of Coraline," said Richard Weissman, a 42-year old musician who apparently has glaucoma really, really bad. "I put them on, typed in my address, and hit enter."

"It blew me the f--k away," continued Weissman, while stuffing the entire contents of a 10.6-ounce bag of Funyuns into his mouth.

A 'Heathers' Reference?

Look, this story petered out after word 10. I had to find something entertaining. And... that wasn't entertaining, was it? Sorry. Look, go read Panda Charged With Child Neglect. That's really funny.

"I was looking directly at it," said Dave Shroomman, who owns a Wiccan book store in Keyport, NJ. "And, as I looked at the house where I grew up on Google Maps, the seven year old version of myself came out of the door, carrying a Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox with the glass-insulated Oscar Goldman Thermos, and enough money to buy a pack of Hubba-Bubba at the Woolworth's on Knights Road, and a chocolate milk, and a pack of chocolate chip cookies at school, along with a box of trial-sized Cool-Ranch Doritos, which I bought from my friend Stan Vickers for $5.00, which was a total bargain, even though he got them free, because his dad worked for Frito-Lay, and Stan got a job handing out the Cool Ranch Doritos trial sizes to his neighbors, but he got bored with it at the top of Medford Road and decided to just spend the day hanging out at the Parkwood Rec. Center, which I really wanted to go to, but I couldn't, because even though we both went to Benjamin Rush Middle School, he lived in Parkwood and I lived on Old Brookhaven, which was like four miles away, and God forbid my mother actually burn the calories and gasoline necessary to drive her 1979 Monte Carlo up Academy Road so I could hang out there."

Doctors had a different spin on the feature:

"First of all, what the f--k was that last guy on?" said a respected doctor, whose name and place of business I am far too lazy to make up for this article, considering I nailed 100 words some time ago. "Secondly, I assume that Google was already calculating these 3D perspectives and using them internally. By combining shots from different angles, Google can use the stereo pair to calculate the distance between the Street View car and the buildings along the street. Google can then use this data to create better location data for these buildings and addresses."

Shroomman disagreed: "My guess is that Google is using LIDAR to calculate the 3D images, and is not calculating stereo pair imagery. This also explains why the resolution of the 3D view isn't very high. Hey, look, I found more 'E'!"

Then, 5 to 15 minutes later: "Whoa. They should make some real glasses or googles that have a Google map built into it. Like Google Goggles! Hahahahahahahaha. Then, you could get on a treadmill and walk in real life and you could also walk in virtual world."

"Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the shuttle lands," said Dr. Whathisname.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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