Bong-Sucking Newcomer Replaces Talentless Meathole in Transformers 3
Megan Fox's Transformers 3 character, Jennifers Body, will be replaced by pompously named Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a 23-year-old Brit who gets her aristocratic-sounding name from her great-great-grandfather, Sir Herbert Huntington-Whiteley, 1st Ear...
Read full storyPaliens Infiltrating Sarah Palin Events
Little is known about the group calling itself the Paliens, but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herse...
Read full storyPot Plants, the Coalition Capers, Mrs Missmiggins and Edmund Slackbladder
The ex Chief Secretary to the Treasury and reported to soon be ex MP for Yeovil is alleged to have refused the offer of a pot plant for his now old new office. In fact, he abolished the purchase of pot plants at the Treasury. Treasury officials m...
Read full storyFlaming Moron Crashes While Trying To Hold Breath - Driver is Already a Victim of his own Stupidity
WHEATLAND, N.Y. - Police say three minors and an incredibly stupid man trying to hold their breath for the time it takes to drive through an upstate New York hamlet were hurt when the driver fainted. Because he was holding his breath. While d...
Read full storySuBo contemplates body transplant
On advice from Simon Cowell, Susan Boyle is contemplating a full body transplant in what would be a ground breaking surgical procedure. "There is only so much traditional plastic surgery can achieve" stated Cowell. "We've given it teeth and new sk...
Read full storyBritish Employers Are Preparing For World Cup Illnesses
LONDON - Ethan Crassboro, who owns The Ethan Crassboro Fish and Chips distributorship in Bromley, says he is already preparing to hear about a dozen or so excuses as to why his employees will miss work during the World Cup Finals. Crassboro, who h...
Read full storyThief blames homosexuality for lapse
A well known public figure who has been found stealing from the till has astounded his friends and colleagues by claiming that he only did it to avoid being outed as a homosexual. Looking pathetic, he said "I didn't really think of it as stealing...
Read full storyObama Impotent; Fails to Plug 'Ho! "Stiff Willie" Clinton Vows to Help Out!
Just hours after Obama told the world he was' in charge from day one' concerning the Gulf Oil Spill, and 'the buck stops here', he was forced to concede impotency when it was announced despite his efforts to 'be on top of things' he was unable to plu...
Read full storyScientists have discovered that The Great Wall of China is held together by sticky rice
Scientists, who have been studying The Great Wall of China in an effort to discover how it has lasted so long without crumbling, now release their latest finding.....bricks are held together by sticky rice. Apparently, sticky rice was fed to worke...
Read full storyLiquid nitrogen should do the trick crude boffins tell Gulf of Mexico well disaster team
San Ramon, Ca - (Crude Mess): Blasting liquid nitrogen into the shattered Deepwater Horizon wellhead should do the trick Chevron's head of fractional distillation said today. The advice was issued as BP's efforts to stem the Deepwater Horizon leak...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent - Timmy The Miming Pig Wows The Judges - And Ant And Dec
They said it couldn't be done. The BGT judges, along with Geordie comedy duo Ant and Dec, all scoffed when Christine came out on stage with Timmy the pig, and announced that he was going to mime to Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' at a recent BGT audition...
Read full storyBradford cops probe links to art critic who slammed Rolf Harris' Queen portrait 'cannibalistic'
Yorkshire - (Gruesome Mess): Police investigating accused serial killer Stephen Griffiths' background are probing links to a damning criticism by former Art Review editor David Lee of a 2005 Rolf Harris portrait of the Queen. The acclaimed critic...
Read full storyLost's Naveen Andrews Says Split With Barbara Hershey Permanent
Naveen Andrews may have been a favorite of many watchers of the 'Lost' TV series but his partner for 12 years, Barbara Hershey, has left after Andrew's latest wandering. "He's 'Lost' that's for sure", Hershey reportedly told friends this weekend.
Read full storyThe Real Reason Joe Jonas Dumped Demi Lovato
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - There has been a lot of speculation as to why Joe Jonas dumped Demi Lovato. Some say that it was because she sings better than him. Others say it's because she is prettier than him. And still others say that it is because she has ma...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - Part One
Sir, I would like to nominate Ashley Cole for this editions 'Twat Of The Month Award' for his appalling display against the Japanese. He was supposed to be on the post for that corner, and the ball goes in through his legs. He wasn't that slow in texting photos of his underpants to Page Three bap-flashers, was he? Twat. Q Leap, Devizes. Sir, These pop stars you see on the telly appeali...
Read full storyAB Strike Again - Boring
Heathrow. The following are random interviews of flyers waiting for AB flights. John Tuttle going to New York said, "Can't these guys ever get along? AB customers are tired of all the delays and noise and probably checking Utility Air flights...
Read full storyParking Lot Vultures Cost Society Plenty
Los Angeles. CA. Here in the city of Angels driving is the only way to get there, and when you get there you have to put your car somewhere. The University of California at Disneyland has conducted a three-year study of parking lot dynamics that...
Read full storyTips and Recipes for Alfresco eating
Below are some tips and recipes for Alfresco eating: If you are a beginner at dining Alfresco, follow the Tips to the letter! Tip 1 - Ensure alfrescos are fresh Tip 2 - Remove all stones Tip 3 - Wash thoroughly Tip 4 - Shave Recipe 1 Drunken alfresco Bring alfrescos to a rolling boil in a stainless steel Dutch oven and simmer for 30 minutes in a mixture of milk and whisky. S...
Read full storySpoof writers to set up 'matchmaking' site
It's true, Spoof writers are planning to put together a 'matchmaking site' - for Spoof writers around the world. After all, sitting at their computers almost 24/7 leaves little time for dating but, those interviewed, over the computer, do admit to getting very lonely and feel they do need something else in their lives besides their computer. The idea is to match like-minded writers. Writers...
Read full storyJapan Commit Hara-Kiri In Graz As Capello Probes Missing Marmalade Mystery
After taking a seventh minute lead here in Graz in England's final World Cup warm up match, Japan eventually committed ritual hara-kiri by scoring two own goals. Final score: Japan 1 England 2 But boss Fabio Capello was left with a bigger heada...
Read full storyFangs latest craze in SuBo fandom
Wearing fangs has become the hot new trend among the Susan Boyle fans at the Greatest Only-est Online Susa-show on Earth (GOOSE). At a recent gathering of GOOSE, sometimes known as the Company of the Elect, approximately two dozen fans proudly spo...
Read full storyEngland beats Japan in friendly without even scoring one goal
You must admit that the England team are no suckers when it comes to winning games. They managed to beat Japan in a recent 'friendly' 2 - 1 without even scoring ONE goal themselves. Players on the England side ran circles around the Japanese...
Read full storyMother Upset That "Free Education" Is Costing Her Money
Juanita Maria Josephina Guadalupe de Jesus Gomez Gomez Rodriguez Gonzalez of Las Cruces, New Mexico is upset at the local school system. She claims that the free education promised her by the government is not free in her district. Through an int...
Read full storyBP To Use Rosie O'Donnell To Plug Oil Leak In Gulf
British Petroleum has said that their best possible solution to plugging their oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico may be Rosie O'Donnell's ass. Research has revealed that the former stand up comic/talk show host/actress may just have "the right stuff" t...
Read full storyBP forced to use adhesive measures
New Orleans, Louisiana. With the failure of the "top kill", BP have announced drastic action to expedite the sealing of the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. BP General Manager, Bob Grease, announced to assembled press that the leak will be...
Read full storyVirginia Invites Kentucky to be its Sister State after Rand Paul Win
Richmond, VA - The Virginia Governor has introduced a measure to the Virginia House of Representatives that formally invites the state of Kentucky to be Virginia's sister state. Normally, a state will invite a foreign state (as in outside of the...
Read full storyBrown - "I'm scared but it's so beautiful"
Gordon Brown's reluctance to leave 10 Downing Street can be partly explained by his fear of all things super-natural. Local exorcists in his home constituency of Dunfermline East are said of of been inundated with calls and faxes from the terrifie...
Read full storyBarry's Magic Trousers - Chapter 1
CHAPTER 1 Barry Nubbins was just your ordinary, everyday fat, lazy bastard with a comb over. Barry wore brown shirts. No, he wasn't an avid National Socialist, but it was simply down to that fact that his entire wardrobe was full of shite brown clothes that were outdated and crap. "Want to see how big my cock is?", he roared in a coarse country accent. He walked up to the other man a...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Spends Three Nights With Young Dancer Friend
According to the latest reports, Cheryl Cole has been spending her nights with "friend", dancer Derek Hough at the home she once shared with her ex, Ashley. "Derek is a great friend and a great, great, great dancer", Cole reportedly told her neigh...
Read full storyStephen Griffiths tempted by Acid Bath Murderer's Corpus Delicti plea
Bradford, Yorks - (Slashers): Sources close to the 'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths police probe fear he may use the same legal defence as convicted Acid Bath Murderer John Haigh. The notorious 20th century serial killer dissolved at least s...
Read full storyMan Utd are not for sale, that's it and the Red Knights can stick their jousting sticks up their butts!
The Glazer family have told the green and yellow protest army, "forget it," United is not for sale, over and out! This shocking news has sent panic waves around the "Theatre of Dreams" and Sir Alex, destined to manage a club with debts of over $70...
Read full story7 into 13 won't go but it will
Teachers have successfully lobbied the government into the banning of fractions. Simple fractions such as 4/5 or 1/2 will remain, however more difficult imbibers such as 7/9 or the infamous 7/13 will be removed from the A level curriculum until fu...
Read full storyCrossbow Cannibal on controversial detox diet
Wakefield, Yorks - (Tasteless): Diagnosed by prison medical sauces (sic) as having delusions of grandeur 'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths has demanded to be put on a diet 'rich in Alpha and Omega-3 oils'. Griffiths, 40, is on remand at HMP Wa...
Read full storyMore Sh*tty Celebrity Tweets about Gary Coleman.
Celebrities make it all about themselves, Tweeting about the death of an actor they wouldn't be seen with. Below are actual Tweets. Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus tweeted: "I hope that in heaven Gary Coleman finds the peace that eluded him on Earth, and finally discovers what Willis was talking about." Janet Jackson, former Diff'rent Strokes co-star: "I'm at a loss for words upon learning of...
Read full storyIn Memory of Gary Coleman: Stupid Sh*t Tweeted by Celebs
Celebrities who wouldn't have taken Gary Coleman's call a week ago say stupid s--t via Twitter. Charlotte Rae, Mrs. Garrett on Diff'rent Strokes: "Gary was so loving, so charming … He was the big star of the show. He was the reason the show was a hit." Steve Gabriel, producer of Avenue Q, a Broadway Musical puppet show that spoofs Gary Coleman: "On behalf of the Avenue Q family, we feel thi...
Read full storyBP, those dastardly oil "Trouble Shooters" fail again, now to plan C!
After failing to plug their hole in the Gulf of Mexico for the second time, BP, are now turning to plan C. Capping the hole with concrete and mud and a portable WC didn't seem to do the job so now the dastardly "Trouble Shooting Team" of environme...
Read full storyTerry de Heavyland - designer of platform footwear - honoured
Terry de Heavyland has been honoured for his lifetime achievement of designing the most dangerous shoes in the world. Heavyland lives up to his name on catwalks and sidewalks around the world as women and men continue to fall off their beloved pla...
Read full storyGC Cleverlie, maker of hand made shoes - secret is out
Gee Cee Cleverlie has cleverly kept the secret behind his hand made shoes. He makes custom shoes for the rich and famous and each pair is a 'one off' - sorry - "two off". It was long thought that he was the only bespoke maker of hand made shoes.
Read full storyBush Officially Off the Hook for Everything
Along with a shot of Jack Daniels and a cold Budweiser, former President George W. Bush received the news at a local drinking establishment known affectionately as, "The Cock and Bull." A Fed-Ex courier walked through the doors and saw the former president sitting alone at a corner table. "The waitress handed him a shot of Jack, which he downed right away," said Steve Jones of...
Read full storyGermany wins Eurovision, but this time should they be so proud?
The Germans are at it again proving that they are pretty good at everything, building cars, washing machines, playing footy, hockey, most other sports and now singing (in English, damn cheek ol Bean). After winning the biggest crap "non-event" on...
Read full storyItaly's New Austerity Measures
Italy becomes the latest European country to announce tough austerity measures in an effort to reduce its deficit. Here are some of the measures to be instituted presto: 1) All fettuccini will be half as long as before to save on labor costs 2) Old underwear instead of costly corks to stopper Chianti fiaschi 3) Increased use of garlic breath as an alternative energy source 4) La...
Read full storyFacebook Banned in Banger's 'N' Mash
Bangladesh has no facebook, leaving hundreds of thousands confused and roaming the streets not knowing what to do with their time. Facebook was blocked for posting caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed and images of the Muslim-majority country's le...
Read full storyAfter Being Engaged For Six Weeks Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson Call The Wedding Off
SAINT BRIDES MAJOR, Wales - After an engagement that lasted all of six weeks, Charlotte Church and her fiance Gavin Henson have decided to end their five year relationship. It appears that it is a matter of pressurized living. Both Charlotte and G...
Read full storyGulf Oil Spill Suggestions
New Orleans, Louisiana. Authorities have suggested a new way to cap the increasing flows of oil emanating from the broken pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Arthur Brain, from the Dept of the Interior, Louisiana, advised that if 200 Japanese Sumo wrestl...
Read full storyTom Cruise Didn't Die in Plumbing Accident - So He Says
Tom Cruise has laughed off false reports that he died in a plumbing accident, he's alive and well. Rumours began spreading across the internet saying Tom "Couch Jumping" Cruise passed away following a bizarre plumbing mishap while in New Zealand.
Read full storyDennis Hopper No Longer A Threat
Dennis Hopper, the Hollywood hellraiser who starred in such brilliantly-enduring movies as Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now and Blue Velvet, has died at the age of 74, meaning he will no longer constitute a threat to humanity. Hopper was well known for...
Read full storyiPads Rejoice as Kindles Sent to Fat Camp
Kindles, Amazon's electronic readers, just got some bad news. They're too fat! They're being sent to Fat Camp in the hope that they will meet their "lighter" goals in a few months. Head Kindle Hedda is furious, pointing out that anti-discrim...
Read full storyIllegal American Immigrants head for Mexico
Due to the destruction of their economy, millions of jobless Americans are packing up their belongings and heading for greener pastures in Mexico. It is a disturbing trend which doesn't seem to have an end in sight. Nathan Smith, a former co...
Read full storyCrossbow Cannibal Stephen Griffiths A Weirdo Susan Boyle Fan Say Cops
A police source claimed today that cops involved in searching Stephen Griffiths' apartment in Bradford were sickened by some of the discoveries they made. "To classify this man as a twisted psychopathic pervert doesn't do it justice," a grim faced...
Read full storyVictoria's Secret Model Replaces Megan Fox In "Transformers 3"
Since Meagan Fox was last heard calling producer Michael Bay "Hitler", it was assumed that a new actress would appear in "Transformers 3" but no one expected it to be someone who has never acted before in her life. Well, not in a movie. Rosie H...
Read full storySuBo fanatics invent time machine!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies, not content with following SuBo around the world, have today announced that they've invented a time machine. "We got bored following her around the world at our wealthy husband's expense," said a fa...
Read full storyEverest Summit Bottleneck Proves The Mountain Is Dangerously Overcrowded
Mountaineers from all over the world are up in arms today at Everest base camp claiming that dozens of summit attempts have been foiled because the mountain is dangerously overcrowded. A Japanese climber, attempting the traditional south face rout...
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