Dennis Hopper No Longer A Threat

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 30 May 2010

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Don't you fuckin' look at me! Don't you fuckin' look at me!

Dennis Hopper, the Hollywood hellraiser who starred in such brilliantly-enduring movies as Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now and Blue Velvet, has died at the age of 74, meaning he will no longer constitute a threat to humanity.

Hopper was well known for being a total mental case, and regularly indulged in drinking and drug-taking to excess, making him dangerous to be around.

The first sign that Hopper might be 'off the rails' was when he appeared alongside Peter Fonda in the counter-culture road movie Easy Rider in 1969.

After a turbulent time during the 1970s, Hopper made a magnificent comeback in David Lynch's Blue Velvet, in which he played psychotic Frank Booth, a watered-down version of his real self.

Hopper could be seen inhaling amyl nitrate through an oxygen mask as he peered up Isabella Rosselini's quim, a scene not easily forgotten by anyone who witnessed it, least of all Rosselini.

The movie is also famous for its use of the word 'fuck', with Hopper employing it in various forms, including as both a verb and a noun, the glorious "fuck you, you fucker's fucker" and the oft-remembered eternal line "I'll fuck anything that moves".

This morning though, Hollywood was quiet, with California-dwellers safe in the knowledge that one of the biggest nutters ever to grace its streets, had passed into oblivion.

Fuck in Peace.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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