Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 30 May 2010

image for Crossbow Cannibal Stephen Griffiths A Weirdo Susan Boyle Fan Say Cops
The William Tell Stunt Usually Results In A Dead Body And An Unscathed Apple

A police source claimed today that cops involved in searching Stephen Griffiths' apartment in Bradford were sickened by some of the discoveries they made.

"To classify this man as a twisted psychopathic pervert doesn't do it justice," a grim faced detective told us. "Some of the stuff we uncovered in there is beyond belief. Among other things, we found a Susan Boyle CD and some stuff by Girls Aloud. The sick bastard even had a replica Leeds United shirt. Stuff like this just makes even the most experienced officers sick to their stomachs."

It appears that, even more worryingly, the self-styled 'Crossbow Cannibal' had among other sickening items in his possession a DVD of Brokeback Mountain, a mandolin vegetable slicer, a Nintendo DS with a Train Your Brain game and a broken stick, and that several episodes of Dickinson's Real Deal had been stored on his Sky Plus STB.

Griffiths, who was arrested by the West Yorkshire Police earlier this week apparently denied owning any of these possessions and alleged that the police were trying to stitch him up and make him look bad.

It probably didn't help his argument much when police reported also taking away a copy of a book entitled: CRIMINAL DEFENCE TACTICS FOR CRAP BARRISTERS - HOW TO ARGUE IN COURT THAT THE POLICE ARE TRYING TO STITCH YOU UP AND MAKE YOU LOOK BAD. A STEP BY STEP GUIDE by Theodore Bundy.

A local prostitute, who knew Griffiths told us: "He's a right fat bastard he is. Never yet seen him without a blimmin pie in his gob."

A spokesman for an Austrian crossbow manufacturer told us: "If used responsibly, our product is perfectly safe. Unfortunately, in the wrong hands it can be used for nefarious purposes, such as shooting innocent women in the head. Like a gun. And we don't advise any of that William Tell stuff either. Usually ends up in tears that one. With a dead body and an unscathed apple. Bloody Swiss..."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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