Rep. Joe Btfsplk Brings Bad Luck To Obama
Joe Btfsplk, the hapless character in Li'l Abner, created by the late political cartoonist, Al Capp, was the world's biggest jinx. He was always pictured walking around with a perpetually dark rain cloud a foot over his head. Anytime he appeared on...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Is Trailer Trash
Pasty po-faced Twilight sulk-Queen Kristen Stewart is enjoying having a clean horizon, as the end of the Twilight saga approaches, and - though Kristen could never be accused of anything so non-cool as public thinking or any other kind of publicly ef...
Read full storySarah Palin erects fence to block writer next door; writer retaliates by launching geo-synchronous satellite over Palin home
Former Alaska Governor and public twit Sarah Palin has fulfilled a promise for the first time - she put up a fence to prevent a writer who moved in next door from 'observing' her and her family. Joe McGoo leased the house next to Mrs Palin's in...
Read full storyIt had to happen, Lib Dem Government minister knifed by the Tory press
The expenses scandal will not go away it seems. The Tory press did not take long to dig up the dirt on their Lib Dem friends. The latest name is no less a Coalition Government Minister than the Chief Secretary to the Treasury. The second whip to t...
Read full storyJamie Foxx To Star In "What Choo Talkin' 'Bout Willis - The Story of Gary Coleman"
HOLLYWOOD - Jamie Foxx, who is just a little bit taller than Gary Coleman, said that he has just signed to star in the Chula Vista Pictures movie What Choo Talkin' 'Bout Willis - The Story of Gary Coleman. At first Jamie said that he felt that he...
Read full storyDiff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman dies of stroke at 42: still 4'2" and bloody pissed about it
Former Diff'rent Strokes television star and later California gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman has died, height 4'2", of stroke following a violent altercation involving a carnival ride he was deemed too short to ride. Mr Coleman was taken to...
Read full storyOne Millionth Elvis Impersonator Honored in Las Vegas
Las Vegas, NV - This week marked a milestone for one lucky lad who had the fortune to become the one millionth person to get his own show in Vegas as an Elvis impersonator. Gruud MacPhereson, an out-of-work whiskey kegger from Glasgow, couldn't belie...
Read full storyDog on the menu for Boris Johnson
With record numbers of dogs being impounded, and rocketing kennel costs - Boris Johnson has decided he will meet London's recycling targets by bringing dog onto the capital's menu for the first time. Reception for the Korean delicacy has been mixe...
Read full storySuBo statSue unveiled!
A new Susan Boyle statue (or 'statSue' if you will, though you probably won't!) was unveiled to the media in London earlier today. The statue is the work of purple scarf wearing 'The McLuzernator', a member of 'Susan Fans Without a Wealthy Husband'.
Read full storyPound goes missing
Markets were spooked this afternoon after Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England took 'the pound' out for lunch and forgot to put it back. Brokers, some of them sober, were incensed that the pound could not be traded this afternoon and asked...
Read full storyCameron witnesses the return of Mr Spock the Vulcan and friends
David Cameron, the Prime Minister, mentions in a speech in Shipley, Yorkshire today that the country needs to return to the values of Margaret Thatcher. Alarm bells are ringing among the millions of ordinary citizens who voted for the Liberal Demo...
Read full storyAmerica and Canada to build Great Border Wall
President Obama and Prime Minister Stephen Harper joined hands in Washington today to demonstrate the long standing goodwill between the two neighbours which they hope to celebrate by erecting a three foot high wall between the two countries from the...
Read full storyArea Man Asks Nation to "Follow My Bowel Movements on Twitter"
Arlington, VA - Justin Crane wants you to get up to the minute information about his most recent bowel movements by following his twitter account. "I have a high fiber diet which I make no apologies and I'm so proud of my movements, I want the wor...
Read full storyBoy Repeats Second Grade For Third Consecutive Year
Des Moines, IA- Frankie Donovan recently set a dubious record at St. Francis Elementary School-repeating second grade for an unprecedented third year in a row. The Donovan's received the news late Friday afternoon. "We're a little disappointed,...
Read full storyGary Coleman, Different Strokes Star, Life Cut Short
Gary Coleman, the child star of the smash 1970s TV sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes" and who once ran for the Governor of California has bottomed out at 42. Utah Valley Regional Medical Center spokeswoman Janet Frank said that "he was the same little lov...
Read full storyBP's Plan B: Make Keith the New CEO/PR Director
Covington, LA - British Petroleum has estimated that today's oil kill has a 60-70% of success at stopping the massive oil leak. So what happens if this latest attempt should fail? BP executives feel like they have two options: 1. Deal with a...
Read full storyKatherine Zeta-Jones Says That Her Rough Looking Face Is Due To Stress
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Katherine Zeta-Jones says that her recent rough facial appearance is due to recent bouts of unbounded stress. The actress, who readily admits that she is still stunningly beautiful, confessed that she has gained four pounds withi...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Jewelry For Teens Pulled From Market
Miley Cyrus paused in her busy schedule today to apologize to her many fans, saying that she didn't know the jewelry could be harmful. Jewelry for teens endorsed by the singer has been found to contain cadmium as the jewelry was actually made in C...
Read full storyFallen Idol
LOS ANGELES, CA - In a startling attempt to breathe new life into the aging American Idol franchise, senior producer Sir Freddie Aswype today announced that the three judges remaining after the defection of Simon Cowell all have been fired and are b...
Read full storyBarney Frank Votes Against Repeal Of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
Congressman Barney Frank, sensitive to the growing number of gays and lesbians in his state, yesterday voted to retain the controversial "don't ask, don't tell" provision that gives military flame throwers an exit strategy if they don't want to serve...
Read full storyWile E. Coyote destroys Road Runner in sick explosive gaffe
Road Runner was killed today in what is being described as a terrible accident. Nemesis Wile E. Coyote had apparently laid an obvious trap for the fast-legged avian but somehow managed to actually not do a half-arsed enough job, and killed the critte...
Read full storyRoyal Freak Hospital psychologists to probe 'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths
London - (Slashers): Forensic shrinks who mapped the psyche of convicted serial killer Dennis Nilsen are to evaluate Bradford's Stephen Griffiths. The Crown Prosecution Service has commissioned a Category 1 Wackjob assessment amid fears Griffiths...
Read full storyDuncan-Smith declares war on benefit 'fatties'
Ian Duncan Smith has launched a scathing attack on benefit claimants whom he described as mostly fat semi-criminals with aspirations no higher than finding the remote control or takeaway menu. Meanwhile he derided the activities of the more able as '...
Read full storyLoser wins something
Loser, John Strumpet, today found himself in the usual grip of losing a football game, playing for his local amateur team "Bob's Boys" - only to find himself slotting home two beautiful crafted and taken goals in the dying minutes. "It was amazing...
Read full storyMan manages to put Windows folder into Recycle Bin; Regrets decision
Columbian José Conseco was today left astonished by an apparent bug in the new and fancy Windows 7 operating system, from Microsoft. The bug, detailed Norton Security services, allows users to drag-and-drop the Windows folder into the Recycle Bin. Th...
Read full storyFormer Spice Girl Mel B in Grassington
Mel B has signed up to star in a reality TV series about her life in Grassington, for the Wharfedale Network. The Mel B Project will follow her life with her producer husband Stephen Belafonte and her two daughters. The former Spice Girl and her...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Cuts Off His Braids - He Now Looks Like An Old, Ugly Kathy Griffin
ROUND ROCK, Texas - Willie Nelson had just finished performing at The Round Rock City Limits Bar & Grill when he was asked about his new hair look. Willie, who is 77, said that he went and had his waist length braids cut off because he simply...
Read full storyOK For Roethlisberger To Practice With Steelers, But Not Shower
Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been cleared by the National Football League Commissioner to practice with the team as long as he showers alone. "After careful study we decided that, while allowing him to practice, the constant ass slap...
Read full storySusan Boyle sculpture revealed
A, one of a kind, sculpture of Susan Boyle has been revealed to the world. After months of stress, sweat and tears the Luz of McLuz has proudly shown her work to the world. It has not been an easy task and our Andalusian artists persistence and de...
Read full storyMiddlesbrough man competes to enter Book of World Records for stinkiest feet
'Spud' Wilkinson, of Thorntree, Middlesbrough, is hoping to be in the Book of World Records soon as 'the man with the World's Stinkiest Feet. Spud's wife 'Daisy' wrote to the Panel of Judges regarding Spud's smelly appendages in the hope's that he...
Read full storyWhy I have been banned from every fast food joint in Stockport
I'll start by making my apologies. I can be a little bit grumpy at times, especially when I am lacking in Vitamin Caffeine. However, that said, I feel that banning me from every McDonald's, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and the like in the Royal Borough of Stockport was slightly harsh. McDonald's were the first. It was early. I walked in bleary eyed and asked quite plainly for a black cof...
Read full storyNew Microsoft dating site sees the return of the paperclip
Following in the footsteps of giants such as Match.com and eHarmony, Microsoft have now ventured into the amorous world of online dating. Coined as Microsoft Match 3.1, the website promises all the usual benefits such as profile matching but with one...
Read full storyTaking the P**s
Police were called to a house in Grimsby today when neighbours alerted them after a 75 year old pensioner had not been seen for a week. Residents became concerned when the milk on Bernard Sharpe's doorstep had not been taken in. Mr Sharpe had l...
Read full storyGreek Pet Frogs All the Rage
One persons' annoyance is another's business opportunity. After the Greek financial meltdown came the frog plague, that saw billions of frogs blanket the landscape. Greek commuters in Athens smashed millions of the tiny amphibians, and soiled thei...
Read full storyBeavis Impersonator Tries to Score with Bristol Palin at Tea Party Rally
Cadwalk, GA - A Beavis Impersonator is charged with making untoward remarks to Bristol Palin at a hometown Tea Party rally in Augusta, Georgia. Jason Beeber, who looks remarkably like the cartoon character Beavis, of Beavis and Butt-Head fame, says h...
Read full storyNational Oak day to replace St George's day
Boffins at some university or other have decided it would be a jolly good idea to replace St George with a better symbol of British identity. They rightly suggest that St George's day should be scrapped since St George was not English, never fought a...
Read full storyTaliban to be collected with giant 'fly-paper'
Scientists have developed a material that sticks only to Taliban head-dress, heroin and kalashnikovs - whilst being inert to women, allied soldiers and buildings. They hope an enormous sheet coated with this compound, can be lowered over Afghanis...
Read full storyBradford cops to dredge Aire and Calder Navigation Canal
Shipley, Yorks - (Slashers): Police searching for 'Crossbow Cannibal' killer Stephen Griffiths' victims Shelley Armitage and Susan Rushworth are to dredge the Knottingley and Ghoul (sic) Canal section of the Aire and Calder Navigation. The huge bo...
Read full storyThe Queen to replace Simon Cowell on next American Idol
The announcement was finally made today that The Queen will be replacing Simon Cowell as judge on next year's American Idol. This poorly guarded secret was today confirmed by HRH The Prince of the Isle of Man, James Hoppity: "We are proud and plea...
Read full storyDiCaprio launches Tiger protection charity
Actor, Leonardo Dicaprio has launched an organization to help protect the endangered Tiger. DiCaprio, star of Titanic, has joined forces with the WWF (World Wrestling Federation) to create Save Tiger Now. DiCaprio stated, "Tiger Woods is indeed...
Read full storyBe careful what you search for - you might get porn
With the news of pensioner, Alan Rimmer, searching for the answer to a crossword clue of "Wild Asian Ass" (answer is Onager) on a popular search engine, and getting quite a lot of porn, Google have announced that they will help such naïve idiots. It'...
Read full storyGays Come Closer to "Do Ask, Do Tell" In U.S. Military
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell," conservative groups are claiming that the problem of homosexual misconduct in the military, including sexual assaults will only become worse. Worse, does that mean it's bad right now? Some say this is a last desperate atte...
Read full storyGlastonbury Hasn't Booked The Gorillaz After All
Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis has made the biggest mistake of his career, not only on his last festival, but on the 50th anniversary. After being given the 'best problem in the world' of U2 pulling out from the festival, he was left with the...
Read full storyBradford mineral water company 'faces ruin' amid Stephen Griffiths furor
Bradford, Yorks - (Slashers): A bottled water business faces liquidation amid reports extraction from local springs is tainted. Seepage from the now notorious River Aire has resulted in unexpected 'organic ingredients' surfacing at the company's p...
Read full storySex and the City premiere linked to low sperm count
The cinematic event that every British girl was waiting for took place in Leicester Square on the 27th of May. Sex and the City 2 is perhaps one of the most anticipated female-oriented movies of all time, and early reviews smother the film with prais...
Read full storyThe Tortoise & The Hair-Trigger (And The Ostriches Who Love Them)
NEWARK, NJ - Two major U.S. based gun advocacy groups came out firing today with both barrels in a somewhat coordinated response to Mexican President Felipe Calderon's call last week during his address before a Joint Session of Congress for stateside...
Read full storyKiller computer virus strikes U.S. Mexico and Arizona blamed
WASHINGTON D.C. (ABSNN) -- Award winning Spoof reporter Abel Rodriguez filed this frightening story with the All Bullshit News Network at midnight this morning: According to President Barack Obama, a Killer Computer Virus called, FugYouArizona, ha...
Read full storyThe Dark Flowers Chronicles - Bugger Me, I'm Dead
I blame that Frankie meself. Just drifted into me life he did, and now I've gone and snuffed it. It's all right for that Welsh bloke who went to America,and that flower down the mine, and them blokes what went to the centre of the earth. And even that woman who got turned into a pile of shite. But me? I'm dead now. Brown bread. Done. Underscored. Finito. Can't understand it meself.
Read full storyPresident Obama reveals plan to deal with Oil Spillage threat
In response to the growing fears regarding the extent of the Oil spillage in the Gulf of Mexico, President Obama released the following statement:- In view of the ever increasing risk of pollution and the resulting environmental damage being caused to the area I intend to take the following action:- I intend to have, without delay, a microphone placed outside the White House. I will then ha...
Read full storyMan Bitten in Dog Park, By Another Man!
Westchester, New York . . . When police were called to the local dog park to deal with a bite, they assumed that a dog had done the biting. No way! Man's best friends were totally innocent. Believe it or not, it was a man who had bitten another ma...
Read full storyEngland manager, Italien Fabio Capello, refusi to singi "God Save The Queen!"
Italien England manager, Capello has told the FA, the Royal Family and the England fans, "don't expecte mio to singe de national anthem, i italiono et no engleesi, prima verdi!" This statement has caused quite a stir at "stiff upper lip" FA Englan...
Read full storyCrystal Bowersox Loses Both American Idol and Her Boyfriend Within Hours
HOLLYWOOD - Crystal Bowersox, the blonde dreadlocked runner up on this season's edition of American Idol revealed that she lost the AI finale and her boyfriend literally within hours of each other. Bowersox said that her boyfriend Tony broke up wi...
Read full storySeinfeld's Ingenious Plan to Make The Marriage Ref a #1 Hit
New York, NY - It would be silly to think that no one has noticed the helter-skelter schedule the new show on NBC The Marriage Ref keeps. The show's executive producer, Jerry Seinfeld, may just be behind that schedule, working the angles in such...
Read full storyGlenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies
New York, NY - Glenn Beck devotes entire segments of his show to his favorite subject, kids who get free rides in life and why they shouldn't. For instance, in a past rant, Beck talked about how kids who got medals and trophies for merely showing up...
Read full storyUS And UK Forces Making Steady Progress In Afghanistan
We're pleased to report that US, UK, and other NATO forces are making slow but steady progress in the battle for the hearts and minds of the beleaguered people of Afghanistan. Military Commanders consider that diplomacy and accessibility make more...
Read full storyPaleontologists asked to reduce dependence on fossils
Failed environmentalists and pseudo-secularists around the world have increased pressure on paleontologists to end their reliance on fossils."This profession is backward, consistently insists on digging up stuff. Digging hurts the earth's feelings. I...
Read full story"Tax-Haven Exile on Mainline Street Value" Back at Number One After 80 Years
The Stoned Shambolics are back at UK Number 1 for the first time since Recycled Stale Self-Parody Live hit the top spot 16 years ago, writes Ruby Tuesday, Antiques Correspondent. The Recalibrated version of signature heyday album Tax-Haven Exile o...
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