Glenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies

Written by Charpa93

Friday, 28 May 2010

image for Glenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies
Yeah, and make sure the bike has training wheels will ya pop?

New York, NY - Glenn Beck devotes entire segments of his show to his favorite subject, kids who get free rides in life and why they shouldn't. For instance, in a past rant, Beck talked about how kids who got medals and trophies for merely showing up at sporting events whether or not they actually got to play in a game and score or do something noteworthy, were merely being sent the message that they don't have to do anything extraordinary to be honored and in fact, should give those medals and trophies back so the kids who really earn them can appreciate them more.

Good point, that is until recently when Beck himself was bestowed an honorary doctorate in Humanities from Liberty University although he never stepped foot in a college in his life, for learning that is. But this isn't about Beck's own personal adherence to what he preaches, it is about kids and how they are spoiled brats and shouldn't get any handouts in life.

The latest rant involves whether or not children's toys should be so safe that children most likely will never experience pain in childhood and, without experiencing pain, they turn into mamby-pamby adults who have to be practically spoon fed throughout their lives.

Case in point, training wheels on bicycles. Beck began his show by saying, "Parents, don't coddle your kids. Don't start your toddlers out on a bike so small that even with training wheels, they can just put their feet on the ground and pull themselves forward without even peddling. That isn't riding a bike. I believe what it does do is instill a false sense of security so that eventually, when the child eventually has to ride a full-size bike, they will not have the balance skills and may even give up without even trying."

As usual, Glenn pulled the rest of his message from personal experience and, with blackboard behind him, began his lesson on why kids should not learn to ride a bicycle with training wheels.

"When we were little, we didn't get to learn to ride a bike on brand new Stingray bikes with cool banana seats and hi-rise handlebars; we didn't get BMX bikes specially equipped with training wheels that were taken off only after we felt we had the balance skills to ride without them. Nosiree, we got to learn on our mom's beat up old 26" Schwinn. Hell, we couldn't even reach the peddles when we sat on the seat so we had to stand up and learn to ride."

Beck, looking up and outward as if remembering it like it was yesterday, continued, "I remember my uncle out there on my first lesson telling me to get up there and start peddling while he held the back fender of the bike, walking alongside me. I tried as best I could to keep my little feet on those peddles but every once in awhile they'd slip and down my leg would go scraping against the chain," Beck said as he stifled a sob with his fist.

"But I wasn't, wasn't…I wasn't allowed to cry," said Beck. "Nosiree Bob. I had to get back up there every time and do it again and again and again until I learned to not make that peddle spin underneath my foot. Finally, my uncle told me I was ready to go solo, but I begged him not to let go," Beck emoted with signature anguish. "He said he wouldn't, but he lied. I started to peddle really hard and I remember him running alongside behind me and then all of a sudden I felt a wobble, and," Beck wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his fist, "I realized I was riding the bike all by my lonesome, no one there to catch me if I fell."

"And yes, I fell," he continued. "Boy did I fall. I fell hard, flat on my side. And what did my lousy uncle do" said Beck with decidedly pent-up anger, "the son of a…" Beck chuckled and went on. "The man laughed at me. He laughed at me! I hated him for that. But years later, in fact now, I thank him for it. It has made me what I am today. 'No excuses Beck.' 'No free rides Beck.' 'No wimps need apply Beck,' he said as he began scraping the chalk across the board in a most hysterical fashion.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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