Covington, LA - British Petroleum has estimated that today's oil kill has a 60-70% of success at stopping the massive oil leak.
So what happens if this latest attempt should fail?
BP executives feel like they have two options:
1. Deal with an increased amount of scrutiny from the White House Administration, continue to get beat up in the media and work on other half baked ideas to stop the leak.
2. Promote Keith to interim CEO/Public Relations Manager and the New Face of BP.
Keith has been working at a local BP gas station for the past six years with an impressive attendance record and a real interest in all things oil and gasoline. BP execs feel that he deserves a chance to show the world and shareholders what he has to offer.
"After a nice phone conversation with Keith, I firmly believe that he has a good grasp of the situation and he is fully prepared to speak with the Obama administration and major media outlets regarding this delicate matter," said Larry Hunt, a senior level officer at BP.
With a long holiday weekend coming up and no relief in sight, BP executives agree that this is the perfect time to hand off this mess to someone else and quietly walk away.
Hunt continued, "it's the best of both worlds. Americans will feel like we are making a change for the better and most importantly, I won't have to deal with this crap any longer! It'll be nice to relax a bit. I could use the break."
Keith has told reporters that he is excited about the promotion and has outlined a new plan should today's attempt fail.
"We're going to take all of the beef jerky from our gas stations and then cannonball all that yummy jerky into the opening to stop the leak. My cousin Nico, (the next COO of BP) estimates this will have a 75% chance of success."
If this fails, Keith said he'll swim down there himself with a giant plug.
BP officials will be working frantically today with their Human Resource department to make sure their golden parachutes are in place before officially handing over the reigns to Keith.