Gordon Brown Heads Intervention Team to Bring Mel Gibson "home" to Scotland!
Mild mannered former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today he would be heading up an intervention to save troubled Follywood Star Mel Gibson from himself after violent rants and bullying activities surfaced on the internet. "Mr. Gibson...
Read full storyHow Do You Spell Re-Distribution? R.E.P.A.R.A.T.I.O.N
reparation: [rep-uh-rey-shuhn] n 1.the making of amends for wrong or injury done: reparation for an injustice. example: we be reparation for what whitey do 200 years ago. Polls show that 92% of African-Americans voted for Barack Hussein Obama. Jes...
Read full storyJustin Bieber & Taylor Lautner Piss Off the UK, & Video Proof Anna Chapman's Pubes are Red!
United Kingdom -- Well it's been a busy week to say the least. Not since Miley Cyrus systematically defiled the delicate sensibilities of much of the country has the UK found itself collectively seething over yet another North American stage act.
Read full storyPlayGuy Magazine's Issue Featuring Russian Spy Anna Chapman's "Undercover Vagina" Spread Is The Mag's All-Time Seller
CHICAGO - Oven Biscuits Magazine, one of the leading authorities on men's magazine publications has just announced that the recent issue of PlayGuy Magazine which featured Russian spy Anna Chapman has sold more copies than any other issue in the maga...
Read full storyBury FC sign 'Raul'
Bury FC officials were left red faced this morning after a believed transfer coop for the Spanish striker Raul turned out to be a scam by a rogue football agent, and they had mistakenly signed Raoul Moat, the now dead Rambo style gunman, who has bein...
Read full storyGreat News! Faster Speeds with your BullshiT Broadband
Dear Customer, Great news! As part of our commitment to provide you with the best broadband speed your line can support, we've recently upgraded your broadband and telephone line to our new faster network, offering up to 20 Mb broadband speeds! You are now enjoying a faster connection - for free! Go faster with your BullshitT Broadband service We've upgraded your line to the fastest...
Read full storyJonas Nominated For An Emmy! Joe Talks!
According to reports out of Hollywood, the show 'Jonas' has been nominated for an Emmy. The only Jonas present when our reporter arrived was Joe who stated that he hadn't heard the news but that it was great if our reporter, Dan Hillyard, wasn't p...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: Maricar The Dominatrix Says Ryan Seacrest Is The Best Lover She Has Ever Had
HOLLYWOOD - One of the most popular acts to ever appear on America's Got Talent is currently dating the host of American Idol, Ryan Seacrest. Maricar The sexy whip-cracking dominatrix has been seen in the company of Seacrest in coffee shops, tatto...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - About Fish
Sir Just to say that I quite like fish fingers. Not the cheap ones with the grey stuff inside. I'm talking about the proper ones with chunks of cod fillet inside. Those ones are lovely, especially with a plate of chips and some nice garden peas. A lovely teatime treat which goes nice with a splash of ketchup. C Birdseye, Lowestoft. Sir My dad keeps tropical fish in a big tank. It has a...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart Leave For Vacation In Japan
After dodging reporters for several days now, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have told a group of friends to tell everyone they are headed for some 'R & R' in Japan. Alice Johns, part time actress and friend of Stewart, stated that the c...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Serves Pet Rooster for Dinner
This week's installment of Kate Plus Eight entitled "We Named the Pet Rooster Jon" has Kate using every opportunity she can to let her audience know in no uncertain terms that her life is shit because she has the kids and the big house in boring Penn...
Read full story'NHS is all over' announce ConDems
The coalition Government has announced the first in a series of measures that will lead to the hammering home of nails into the lid of the NHS coffin. Within 3 years time, the ConDems have announced that they will be putting all the cash into the...
Read full storyMick Jagger claims "money isn't 'Satisfaction' but I still wan't more!"
Divulging a few home truths about the precarious financial situation hanging like a "Sword of Damocles" over the pop/rock world, Grandaddy, Mick Jagger, has opened his heart and gave the following statement: "I never always had money, it was diffi...
Read full storyCheryl Cole's bedsores 'weeping like stigmata'
London - (Ass Mess): Holed up in the Royal Freak Hospital's Dildo - er...Lindo! - Wing the Girls Aloud singer has stunned medical science. Some of her pustulating bed sores erupted last night staining the sterilised hosptial sheeting with a myste...
Read full storyBBC to honour Raoul Moat by building a moat around Broadcasting House
The BBC has announced it is to construct a moat around its central London offices as a tribute to Raoul Moat. The moat is to be filled with the crocodile tears cried by BBC and Guardian journalists, members of the Northumberland Police service and...
Read full storyBoot sale jaunt ends in transformation of toilet parts
Bedfordshire. The A5. - Miss Bland of Hemel Hempstead got more than she bargained for, Sunday just gone. Little did she know that when she pulled on yesterdays skiddies, thinking 'It's only Sunday, I'm not going anywhere' that she would be on a...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Afraid to Vacation in Maine
When Barack Obama hit the first lady with the news that they were going to the Maine backwoods for a short little vacation, Michelle wasn't too enchanted with the idea. Sure, the idea of getting in some hiking, canoeing, and fishing was a great idea...
Read full storyMORE: True Little-Known Facts To Amaze Him/Her On Your First Date!
1. Until the outbreak of terrorism against the United States in 2001, guards at airports usually kept their eyes opened for big boobs, rear ends. 2. At Brigham Young University, tail-gaiting football fans usually cook barbecued chicken, open kegs of Near Beer! 3. According to those that were here at the time, the U.S. Census for 1490 showed over ten million buffalo! 4. According to how it...
Read full storyKatie Price Health Exclusive "My Amazing Breast Cancer Diet"
In this months celeb-fitness special, Tally-Ho! Magazine are taking an in-depth look at Katie Price's amazing new cancer diet and her incredible chemo-fitness programme which - with their proven results - have helped keep her on all the covers of the...
Read full storyMandelson: "Brown ate actual Kitten"
WEIRD Labour Guru Peter "Mandy" Mandelson, has sensationally revealed that former Prime Minister Gordon Brown ate an actual kitten whilst high on rage drug cannabis. The lurid claim is published in Mandelson's new memoir, The Third Man, serialised...
Read full storySouth Africa plunged into darkness as the World Cup Show "pulls the plug"!
Shortly after the "Grand Finale" in Soccer City finished South Africa found itself in the midst of a mega black-out (not the apartheid one!). During the World Cup the South African Electricity Board guaranteed the supply of electricity to the coun...
Read full storyFemale Soccer Fans Experiencing Diego Forlan Withdrawal Pains
"Diego Forlan--Ohhhh he's so dreamy," read the headlines of the front-page story in the Miami Herald weeks ago when Diego Forlan first caught the attention of women soccer fans worldwide. According to the story, this sentiment was echoed all over the...
Read full storyNOW they want to band the word "now"!
PC DO-GOODERS AT THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY have officially announced the banning of the word "now" as of midnight tonight. They claim the word has lost all of its currency due to cod-dramatic overuse in right-wing tabloids, and as such will egg...
Read full storyMajor Car Manufacturer's Launch New Model Names To Drive Q3 Business
As a direct result of declining new car sales following global turbulence in financial markets which have decimated the automotive industry; manufacturers are resorting to ever more gimmicky tactics to drive new business ahead of the vital Q3 sales p...
Read full storyPolice Criticised for "Forgetting Those Who Were On Holiday"
NORTHUMBRIA POLICE HAS COME UNDER heavy criticism from ABTA following their handling of the Raoul Moat fugitive case. Moat himself, who spent a week on the run from the afternoon of 3rd July to the early morning of 10th July, when he committed su...
Read full storyRick Astley Found Hanged Picture - Animal Rights Protesters Livid and Noddy Holder Embarrassed
1980s Pop Star Rick Astley has today found a hanged picture that slipped to the back of his sofa last year. Despite his recent success Mr Astley continues to shun the limelight. Speaking through an interpreter he said "The way I set out my living...
Read full storyWorld Cup referee - 'Card Happy Webb' as he is now known, has gone into hiding.
Referee, Howard Webb has gone into hiding until the vuvuzelas die down. He will, from this day forth, be forever known as 'Card Happy Webb' or to his friends, if he has any left, he will be known as "Card Happy Howard' following his shenanigans in...
Read full storyBreaking Irony: Russians convicted over anti-Christian art exhibition; art tour to continue in Siberia
Two men who organised a controversial art exhibition in Moscow have been found guilty by a Russian court of inciting hatred against religion. Andrei Yerofeyev and Yuri Samodurov had set up the anti- Christian 'Forbidden Art" exhibition at the Sakh...
Read full storySex pest demands by US, no Swiss roll over on Roman
Authorities in Switzerland have decided not to extradite film director Roman Polanski to the US to face sentencing just so as they can piss America off. A spokesperson from the Switzer Government said, 'This is great! A chance to tell the U, S of...
Read full storyBlackpool FC To Play Home Matches At Wigan
They might have made it back into the big time, but Blackpool FC supporters won't be welcoming the Premier League to the Golden Mile just yet, after the club announced yesterday that it will play its entire roster of home games at the JJB Stadium in...
Read full storyRochdale AFC commercial department welcome new staff member
Rochdale FC commercial department have today announced the employment of 'Paul the Psychic octopus'. After the cephalopod mollusk's fantastic performance in predicting several outcomes of recent World Cup fixtures, the Lancashire outfit stepped i...
Read full storyPenelope & Lady Godiva
A visit to Hospital to visit Grandma! Penelope loved to talk with Grandma but if she wasn't well there might not be much chance, especially with Mummy snooping around. They got lost trying to find the right ward and were late because they didn't have enough change for the car park. Penelope was sent to buy something from the Hospital shop so they would have change. Then she had to wash her h...
Read full storyPaedo Polanski free after Pope sends Swiss judge glowing reference
Switzerland - (Gnomes of Zurich Mess): A fantastic character reference from the Pope has persuaded the Swiss Justice (sic) Ministry to deny a US extradition warrant for convicted pervert Roman Polanski. The 76 year-old movie maker's personal fathe...
Read full storyVuvuzela Man To Join London Philharmonic Orchestra
A South African football fan who had a vuvuzela inserted up his bum after the recent World Cup match between the host nation and Uruguay, has been invited to join the brass section of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. Johnny Umbuku, 39, from Joha...
Read full storyNational Hilton Service, Government sells off hospitals to Paris
The NHS in England is to undergo a major restructuring in one of the biggest shake-ups in its history, the government has announced. Hospitals are to be moved out of the NHS and given to a famous hotel group under the new umbrella name Hilton Car...
Read full storyPaul the psychic octopus could be a 'hoax' - many theories are floating about
People are coming out of the woodwork with theories about how Paul, the psychic octopus, actually predicted the outcomes of so many World Cup games over the past weeks. Irma Lier, from Todsport, New South Wales says: "In my humble opinion, the...
Read full story"Whole world against me, so I'm leaving!" blasts Gibson
Mel Gibson, currently coming under much criticism due to racist and sexist outbursts recorded by his estranged ex-girlfriend and mother of his daughter, Oskana Grigorieva, today called a press conference outlining his plans to live on the moon. "T...
Read full storyComputer Hacker distorts TheSpoof.com scores
The satire and spoof web-site TheSpoof.com has been experiencing some unusual and unexplained activity over the past two weeks or so. Spoof news items are posted regularly onto the site and the writers obtain scores each time a news story is read.
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Crime on the Rise
Whippingham - Longtime resident and community leader Marjorie Givens 67 of 2 Bettsworth has made an appointment to meet with Mayor Shovel regarding what she calls a "alarming increase in crime." "Just last week I woke up in the morning to find that someone had overturned my birdbath and pulled down my Guernsey Cream clematis. Constable Millington tried to tell me it was probably the neighbor's...
Read full storyKing's troop's poops to be scooped to power the corridors of power
The manure from horses in the King's Troop will be used to heat and light the new Ministry of Defence headquarters in London. The poop from the 170 animals, trainers and horse guard's men of the Royal Horse Artillery will be made into pellets to g...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - top Signs to be Installed
Whippingham - Mayor Tom Shovel and Council voted unanimously last night to install traffic control signs at all major intersections of roads in town. The signs will be octagonal in shape and red in colour to attract attention. Mayor Shovel said "The increase in tourist traffic in the summer in combination with an increase in visitors from Ryde has put a strain on our roadways. The new traffic...
Read full storyLebron to new Club, Cavaliers respond
A new club for NBA's biggest star Lebron James was finally announced this week. The contracts were signed and the announcement the sporting world had been waiting for was finally delivered. For 30 Million a year James is moving to the Miami Heat as o...
Read full storyThe Samantha Ronson - Joan Rivers Feud Has Erupted Like An Icelandic Volcano
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan's ex 'boyfriend' DJ Samantha Ronson has come to LiLo's defense. Former comedian Joan Rivers, who says she's only 97, but her birth certificate says she's actually 103, stated that Lohan is nothing but a Hollywood bra...
Read full storyKatie Price hints at Opera debut
Katie Price returned from honeymoon today and got straight back to work. 'Well someone's got to pay the bills,' she joked, on Sky News earlier this morning. With a face pumped so full of botox that facial expressions were limited and with lips...
Read full storyDaryl B Kidnapped By Iraqi insurgents.
EASY WALKERS FACE Daryl B has been kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents. A ranson has been demanded by gun wielding maniacs wearing tea towels on their heads to conceal their identity. In a video released yesterday showing Daryl, one of the kidnappers...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Million Seller
It seems that while she languishes in her £3,000 per hour private hospital bed fighting off a bad attack of 'Hough Malaria' Cheryl Tweedy keeps drifting in and out of conciousness. During these restless periods she has been heard to moan erotically,...
Read full storyLockerbie bomber 'Alive and Kicking!'
Almost a year ago, Abdelbaset Al Megrahi, the Libyan convicted of the 1988 Lockerbie bombing, was released on compassionate grounds. Relatives of the victims were horrified at the news and some cynics suggested that this was a move prompted by gov...
Read full storyAbu (The Hook) Hamza to release album
Abu Hamza, the jailed Muslim cleric, is perhaps more well known for his fanatical preachings and prosthetic 'hook' than for his musical talents and so news today that he is to release a music album will come as a surprise to many. Hamza,(52) is cu...
Read full storyBP Directors Relief
A major effort to stem the declining share price and to put a new spin on its fall is making good progress, according to oil giant BP. Work on the spin, which BP hopes will eventually help to boost the personal fortunes of its directors, began on...
Read full storyObama Maine 'vacation' to Coincide with Stephen King Book Signing: Death by Oreo!
Secret Service agents descended on Bangor,Maine early this week, to make final security preparations at the "Tree Hugger Book Store" where Stephen King will be holding a book signing for his new nightmare thriller detailing the possible demise of the...
Read full storyAs the World Spins: The Boyle Family Saga, Episode 3: Pebbles Boyle Enters Susan's Search Contest
Hello Again Good Humans! Pebbles Boyle here. I am happy to say that I have finally been released from rehab at The Priory and am feeling very much better. I have been using this time to reflect on what has gone wrong in my life over the past fourteen months and gain some insight. I have decided that it is time that I make something of myself. Being a pet is simply not enough. Imagine my...
Read full storyJackie Chan wants the World Cup losing finalists Holland in his next movie
Ageing martial arts film star, Jackie Chan, has declared that he wants to use the Holland team from the final of the World Cup final to star in his next movie, World Cup Spy. According to Chan, the film star, he watched the World Cup and was espec...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Phew What a Scorcher
Yarmouth on Sunday was the hottest place in the UK, with temperatures soaring up to a slightly uncomfortable thirty three degrees centigrade (ninety-one Fahrenheit). With it being a weekend, the beach at Yarmouth was jammed with sun seekers soaking up the rays. With temperatures hitting the giddy heights, it was hotter than Grease and Athens in the shade, where temperatures only reached a paltr...
Read full storyFIFA - "We'll move the goalposts at Rio 2014"
FIFA have admitted they are looking at ways to make the next world cup more entertaining including widening the goal. A spokesman commented - "Whilst there was plenty of shooting going on outside the ground last night, there wasn't much going on i...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ryde Bowling Green Ruined
Residents of Ryde are devastated ahead of the new crown green bowling season starting in three weeks with the news that the Esplanade bowling greens have been trashed overnight. "I came in this morning," said greens keeper, Geoffrey Hardhat, 76 of Ryde. "It looks like somebody has driven a JCB across the turf, and filled in the ruts with dog mess. It's ruined, there's no way I can get it fixed...
Read full storyOctopus Paul Lost - The movie
Famous octopus Paul is to be made into a blockbuster movie directed by Carlton Chews of Lost fame. He will be played by The Elephant Man who shot to fame in the 1980s after his Oscar winning portrayal of John Hurt. Other stars lined up include Los...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Clampdown on "Boy Racers"
Isle of Wight police chief, Tony Hipshoulder, wants to clamp down on what he terms a "modern plague on our beautiful island". "Over the past few years," said Hipshoulder, "we have been getting an increase in the number of reports of young people tearing along the A3054 between Yarmouth and Newport. Although the speed limit on this road is sixty miles an hour, Shalfleet has a thirty mile an hour...
Read full storyLady Gaga in Octopus Paul stand-off
The mystery surrounding Octopus Paul's future career prospects was resolved last night when he was overheard talking to Lady Aga, one of the famous pop star's cooks. Gaga has purchased Paul and he will feature as a hat in her next concert in Sea Worl...
Read full storyInterest rates 10% by Christmas
Respected city dustman Paul Miners said he expects the Bank of England to raise interest rates to an eye watering 10.5% by the end of the year. Whilst the rate of 0.5% remained unchanged at the July meeting of the MPC, August onwards is expected t...
Read full storyMandy's Dirt Sensation
Mandy - the name generally given for Felix Mandleshon, a famed composer before entering politics - has written his memoirs. A member of the powerful secret Brandenburg Group - named after one of his much loved Concertos - Mandy writes with great a...
Read full storyWal-Mart introduces first ever drive-thru window; Traffic backed up for miles.
Tempers flared and cars overheated as shoppers, eager to try out Wal-Mart's new drive-thru window, waited in traffic for hours to sidle up the store to do their grocery shopping. The fact that there was a strict 20-items only rule conspicuously p...
Read full storyRaoul Moat Fondly Remembered
Raoul Moat, the gunman who declared war on Northumbria Police last week, before blasting his brains all over the Rothbury countryside on Saturday, has been the subject of much contemplative discussion over the weekend, and, as well as having his murd...
Read full storyIsle Of Wight News - Bicycle Temporarily Stolen
Ryde police detective Doctor Victor Nicholas (he moonlights as a proctologist and pirate sometimes, juggling three disparate careers) this morning issued a warning to Ryde residents not to leave their bicycles unattended, following the temporary theft of a bicycle from outside the Oasis Bar, Grill And Steakhouse on Ryde Esplanade in the early hours. Local man, Stag Bullwinkle, who had been watc...
Read full storyPaul, the amazing Octupus, offers more predictions
Following his amazing feats at the nineteenth FIFA World Cup, Paul the Octupus has made further predictions that have astonished many observers. The "mollusc with muscle" has now predicted that West Ham United will win the 2011 FA Cup, Real Madrid...
Read full storyUS Military Psy-ops In Iraq Ordered To Undergo Psychological Evaluation
The entire Psy-ops division of the U.S. Army that has been on duty in Iraq since the wars beginning has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation. Disturbing results have come about as a result of this analysis. The psy-ops, short for psycho...
Read full storySources: Harvey Dent Killed Sal Maroni Aide, 4 others (allegedly).
Despite what has been written in recent days following the critical injuries suffered by Gotham City District Attorney, and the death of his finacee Rachel Dawes, Dent may have been responsible for the death of a longtime aid for reputed mob boss Sal...
Read full storyEspana - Campiones Del Mundo! - Gracias (In English)
Football fans the world over gave thanks to God last night that Spain won the World Cup, in a monumental triumph of artistry and skill against a Dutch team who simply tried to kick anybody within touching distance. The Dutch team, long lauded for...
Read full storyQueen Sofia Of Spain Goes Off On One As Iniesta Goal Wins World Cup
Queen Sofia, of Spain, according to reports was going absolutely mental last night as an Andres Iniesta goal secured the World Cup for the Spaniards. HRH could be seen in TV coverage going proper crazy in the stands as the extra time winner bulged...
Read full storyRevealed: Mad Cow disease occurred after Cows got very mad
Why is mad cow disease called that? Well it is because the cows who obtained it were really mad when they were running from the butchers. The mad running caused the cows to get infected before they were killed, then the meat was sold without any i...
Read full storyA New Theory on Female Intelligence
Hollywood CA: Social scientists have been trying to correlate female intelligence and body parts for years. The most recent attempt was made by studying two groups of women. The first group consisted of ordinary ladies involved in different types...
Read full storyJesus Christ: The Last Interview...
Jesus Christ: The Last Interview, Part 1. Jesus Christ of Nazareth: From his birth in less than stellar conditions, to a non-descript young life, until he began his ministry with John the Baptist at age 30, He has made a big splash in just a few short years. Most importantly, his followers believe Him to be the Messiah, the Savior promised in the Old Testament. His detractors, including h...
Read full storyArmstrong Concedes Tour de France after Jet Fueled Suppositories Cause 3 Out of Control Crashes
Lance Armstrong, 38 year old 7 time Tour de France winner conceded the race today after falling helplessly behind despite setting a new world record climbing La Ramaz at 62.5 MPH leaving the rest of the pack far in his dust. It was the decent where...
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