Katie Price Health Exclusive "My Amazing Breast Cancer Diet"

Funny story written by Jeremy Paxman

Monday, 12 July 2010


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In this months celeb-fitness special, Tally-Ho! Magazine are taking an in-depth look at Katie Price's amazing new cancer diet and her incredible chemo-fitness programme which - with their proven results - have helped keep her on all the covers of the right gossip magazines even after her disastrous re-marriage to bisexual crossdresser Alex Reid. It's certainly helped her cut a trim figure on the beaches of Thailand this summer.

Health Correspondant, Vanessa Vulva Nee Ovary, looked into this fabulous new diet with Katie for our readers and Tally-Ho! Magzine can exclusively reveal the secrets behind this horror of a human being's secret cancer diet.

Price came up with the fabulous idea after speaking with so many celebrities and seeing just how much it has helped their careers. Choosing breast cancer, because it's a lot trendier in London circles, and with her massive tits, it's something new and fresh that hasn't been done before (although z-lister Jade Goody really milked hers but Kate reckons enough time has passed now and feels she has outdone her anyway by having a blind kid with a footballer.)

"And besides; there's nothing more embarrasing than having crap cancer like arse cancer or something so I think I've made the right choice for me at this point in my celebrity career." Says Price.

After shopping around for the right type of cancer it was then simply a case of her and Alex finding the right PR people, buying some head scarves, wearing a lot more pasty coloured make-up than normal [all of which are covered in our glossy 8 page cancer fashion special] and inviting magazines to pay them hundreds of thousands of pounds to photograph their house yet again.

"I think the public will agree that I've really pulled the look off and its done wonders for my career as a result (and indeed wonders for my figure). Before I chose cancer; some people said my celeb career was in the doldrums but now I've got benefit concerts, my cancer-fitness DVD, endless appearances on all the right breakfast shows, a new single (Do They Know It's Chemo Time At All? featuring Dane Bowers) and I'm hoping to have a double masectomy live on ITV as part of a 6 show prime-time special."

Katie Price has immersed herself in the cancer awareness campaign as a result of her affliction and I asked her why it's such an important issue for her:

"I just want to get it out there. So few women realise the benefits of breast cancer in terms of keeping their weight down, avoiding marital sex and becoming the centre of attention and the talk of all the best dinner parties. I just wish other women could be as fortunate as I have been, it's amazing. What's really funny is it's really irritating my ex Peter Andre, he's desperate to try and get testicular cancer to outdo me but he hasn't got any balls so I'm not quite sure how he's going to manage it. Maybe he should choose throat cancer and do us all a favour."

And according to Katie, she doesn't plan to stop there, she has big plans for the future:

"Obviously, all the media attention will die down again soon especially after my re-wedding fiasco and I hate to not be in the papers every day so I'm already shopping around for my next trendy disease. I've spoken with Elton John and he has strongly recommended AIDS which I'm seriously considering. I think the Autumn/Winter AIDS look is going to be huge on the catwalks this year because it's such a classic look and there are just so many other benefits to the disease like invites to all the best charity concerts, you're own AIDS day each year, being able to get lot's of cool gay friends, enjoying candlelit vigils etc. so it all makes for a great social life as well as a hot look for 2010. I've looked into herpes but to be honest, it just doesn't have the same kind of appeal as some of the better sexually transmitted diseases although I know it's worked well for people like Lucy Pindar. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is getting a lot of great headlines at the moment from his hepatitis and we all know how well that disease worked out for Pamela Anderson so I for one will certainly be trying to contract that next, it's the smart option."

Katie's new book "Katie Price's Perfect Chemo Diet" and her fitness DVD "Lumps and Treadmills" are both available now in all good retailers and if you buy both you get a free limited edition Katie Price perfume "T-Count: Eau De Cancer".

If you wish to contract cancer yourself then like many top models seen and promoted in our shallow articles (which blatantly attempt to make you think grubby talentless celebrities obsessed with fame and wealth are somehow gods and that you too could be like them); then you can make sure that:

- You spend a lot of time on sunbeds every day
- You smoke plenty of cigarettes
- You hang out with other cancerous people (especially like z-list celebrities and WAGS)
- You eat the types of fundamentally unhealthy crash diets that are required to be a size zero model in this day and age by magazines like ours
- You have the right breeding - make sure to research your family history
- You spend a fortune on expensive, scientifically unproven and often potentially unsafe face creams that our magazine regularly tips as the new secret for a younger looking face by using spurious and statistically insignificant polls and celebrity endorsements

PS: Hate the game, don't hate the player

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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