Salmond plans independence warchest
Alex Salmond, SNP leader and would-be clan chief of an independent Scotland, has been outlining his plans to fund his forthcoming referendum. In a candid interview with 'Burly Jocks' magazine he admitted he would need to raise a lot of cash. Mo...
Read full storyGlobal Warming Propels Rundown Seaside Resort Town Into The Big League
Global warming. It may or may not be endangering the very future of the planet we live on, depending on your point of view. But that is of little concern to the residents of a run down English seaside resort town, which has started to thrive with...
Read full storyObama Speaks: US Commits Collective Suicide
In a stunning development, President Barack Obama selfishly and willfully addressed school children in the US today, urging them to stay in school, do well and make good choices. In response, millions of parents committed suicide. "I cannot live i...
Read full storyAndy Murray Loses At Open: Says "What the Hell"
UK tennis ace Andy Murray was knocked out of the US Open today in a stunning loss. In a post-match interview, Murray was unusually forthcoming while analyzing his defeat. "All this training and cardio and running and eating right and stuff....it's...
Read full storyFinally Admitted: Sudan Doesn't Know What the Hell it is Doing
Sudan finally demonstrated, once and for all,that they don't know what the hell they are doing. After whipping and imprisoning women for wearing trousers....an act which is not illegal, they backed down and freed one of the women who had the balls an...
Read full storyGreat Grandson of Gen. MacArthur Vows "I Shall Return" After Drunken Rampage thru Philippines
Captain Philbert MacArthur, great grandson of famous WWII Gen Douglas MacArthur, was banished from the Philippine Islands forever after a weekend of drunken fighting and destruction at local brothels. The Philippine Naval attaché for the U.S. Nav...
Read full storyCheney Reaches Health Care Cap: Backs Obama Health Plan, Any Plan
"O my sweet God," Dick Cheney gasped at a hastily called news conference at an undisclosed location," Did I ever screw up!" My health insurance caps out at 2 million and I just passed it...Even I can't pay pay the medical bills I run up. Why in hell...
Read full storyCameron outlines Commons cost savings
David Cameron, Tory leader, today announced his plans to reduce the cost of the Commons. The main thrust of his proposals is to limit the number of MPs to 'about a dozen, certainly no more than fifteen'. In a speech to party activists he explained...
Read full storySize Does Matter: Devestated French Admit Sarkozy is Short
Alert French citizens finally noticed yesterday that their president, Nicholas Sarkozy, is really really short. In denial for years, France has finally acknowledged that his wife is taller than he and that he sometimes stands on boxes to fool tout le...
Read full story"Because she was named after the Lord, that's why!"
Antioch - (Reuterus): Perverted monster Philip Garrido has confided in prison shrinks that supernatural voices told him Jaycee Dugard 'was named after Jesus Christ' - a sure sign she must bear his seed and perpetuate the sacred lineage. J.C. - or...
Read full storyEvony Ad Ladies To Front Breast Appreciation Day, September 28th
In yet another coup relating to Breast Appreciation Day on September 18th, spoof writer Jalapenoman confirmed that the ladies from the Evony ads would be fronting the contribution to the day's events. The Evony ad ladies have proved to be so popul...
Read full storyMan Accidentally Fires Cannon Hitting His Neighbor's House
UNIONTOWN, Pennsylvania - Mr. and Mrs. Mickey Marsala were sitting in their living room minding their own business watching an edition of Cops when all of a sudden a two-pound cannonball crashed through their front window, whizzed by both of them, an...
Read full storyProvision of Personal Services - Darling
Alistair Darling has announced a huge cut in departmental services today to save the government money but a leaked memo from the treasury indicates a new scheme which incorporates a particular type of new service to raise cash. The scheme involves...
Read full storyGiant "footy" clubs accused of "nicking" juniors from the "minnows" and "Locking em up"!
A major "can of worms" has been opened with accusations flying about that Major "Footy" clubs are "knicking" junior talents, paying their parents hundreds of thousands and then locking them up! Man City, Man Utd, Chelsea and Real Madrid (they boug...
Read full storyWhy Presidents Adopt A Certain Swagger The Second Term
A think tank located in the mountains of West Virginia, to throw everyone off, have been given the task of discovering the reason Presidents of the United States who get elected to their second term have such a way of walking, a certain swagger if yo...
Read full storyDick Cheney Warns of New Danger: Two Dimensional Terrorist
Arlington, VA - In a speech today before the conservative political action committee Farmers for Liberty and Guns former Vice President Dick Cheney warned of a dangerous new threat facing America. "We must always be vigilant," he said to the...
Read full storyWills & Harry in plot to nuke RAF Lyneham
Wiltshire - (Blitzkreig Mess): Wills and Harry are leading suspects after army bomb disposal experts at RAF Desmond Lyneham battled for four hours today to dismantle a five kilotonne nuclear device. A hasty MoD D-notice gagged any delicate details...
Read full storyMonsignor Francois Dubois, S.J. gives Pope's Blessing for Breast Appreciation Day
VATICAN CITY (ABSNN) - Pope Benedict has joined with other world leaders in enthusiastically approving that the Roman Catholic Church celebrate a Feast Day during the upcoming Breast Appreciation Day on September 28, 2009. Speaking through His Con...
Read full story"Telecum" and Orange plan mega-merger causing sore thumbs, bums and wet seats on late trains!
The mega-mobile telephone merger planned between "Telecum" and Orange has caused many worries amongst parents of addicted Texters, Porno-looking kids and the Catholic Church! Telecum and Orange will then have 40% of the mobile-telephone market in...
Read full storyUK Embraces National Breast Appreciation Day With Unbridled Enthusiasm
After being initially snubbed by the USA and the Obama Administration by not being invited to take part in National Breast Appreciation Day, the UK has wholeheartedly embraced the concept following an American U-turn on Breast Policy which resulted i...
Read full storyBritney Spears Hires Paula Abdul and Tatiana Del Toro To Be Her Backup Singers
NEW YORK CITY - Britney Spears who is currently on her world-wide Circus Tour has just announced in Rolling Stone Magazine that she has hired Paula Abdul and Tatiana Del Toro to be her new backup singers. Spears said that she has spoken to both wo...
Read full storyPegs: The new shoe fashion revolution is here
The Fashion world was both shocked and orgasmic with pleasure last week during a show featuring the new shoe collection by Monsignor Sado where all models had their toes surgically removed to model his latest range of footwear called Pegs. The Peg Sado has long attempted to replicate the type of walk already popularised by many women in high heels today. Sado explains, "They walk like gori...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus To Star In "The Pole Dancing Doll"
LOS ANGELES - Late Teen Magazine has announced that Miley Cyrus will begin filming her newest motion picture in two weeks. In the movie Cyrus stars as 27-year-old Indianapolis ingenue Zoe Youngweather, heiress to The Youngweather Velcro Mines, The...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Clone Will Reveal How He Died
Scientists and the FBI have combined to find the sure way to find out who murdered Michael Jackson, although it will take awhile. "The wheels of justice and all that", stated Doctor Wayne Rogers, "but by two years from now, we may get a good view...
Read full storyComputer Software Recalled
At 8 o'clock today, executives of software giant Nanoweak announced the recall of their new operating software, Porthole Seascape Platinum. This sudden breakthrough comes as the result of new testing performed in the Nanoweak Research Department...
Read full storyPresident Obama promises school children "Your parents won't suffer--much"
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama spoke directly to school children across the US this morning and laid their fears to rest regarding Universal Health Care, Universal Education from K to BA, and several other issues facing the US in th...
Read full storyUK Ministry of Defence Closes Deal To Improve Supplies To Armed Forces
In a move which is designed to address mounting criticism that British troops are suffering from inadequate supplies, the Ministry of Defence has today announced a deal which is designed to raise morale, as well as a number of other things. During...
Read full storyGoogle Implodes: Breast Appreciation Day Causes A Billion Hits on Tits!
Somewhere in Cyberspace/ Spoof Super Nova Causes Chaos - A spokesman for Google, the internet search engine,said the site was down indefinitely for repairs today after a Spoof generated rumour caused a major power outage due to unprecedented respon...
Read full storyUse found for a Peaches/Pixie Geldof
Much to the amazement of people who don't buy Hello, Hurrah or Garbage Weekly, a journalist from the Cheam Review newspaper has discoverd a genuine use for Peaches and Pixie Geldof. Normally referred to as 'celebrities' by stupid and incoherent ta...
Read full storyThe New MARVELous Disneyland!
Anaheim, California - All aboard, fellow consumer-whores! Get ready to tarnish Walt Disney's lifework and decimate childhood heroes in one quick stroke with The New MARVELous Disneyland! Ever imagine Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and Donald Duck awkwardly thrown alongside Marvel's Spiderman, Flash, and The Hulk for purely financial gain? Neither did Walt Disney! Too distracted by art and creation t...
Read full storyVampire Circus, Britney Spears New Tour
After successfully completing what she refers to as "The First Leg" of her Circus Tour, Britney Spears has now began her Vampire Tour and guess who's the leading lady vamp? "I've got this great new body that I sweated into and one of the things I...
Read full storyWhite House Admits: Breast Appreciation Day Biggest Stimulus to Economy!
Washington, DC,/ State of the Economy Emergency Press Conference - An astonished Robert Gibbs, the Administration's Speak at You appointee, was forced to admit under intense questioning by Fox News' Pit Bull,Major Garrett, that "Breast Appreciation...
Read full storyFree electricity from water
A man in Hertfordshire has invented a system for generating free electricity from water. His system is set to revolutionise power generation for many homeowners in the UK. Michael Friday explained how his system works: "It's only good for hou...
Read full storyTit Czar Combines Mother's Day and Breast Appreciation Day for Long Holiday Weekend
Perkycup, Iowa/ Wet T-Shirt News - Iowa, home of the nation's largest population of suckling pigs, announced today it would be the first to respond to "Boob Czar" Hal A. Peno's Fatwa to combine Mother's Day and Breast Appreciation Day into a long, w...
Read full storyAyres Rock 'ancient latrine to the Sky Gods'
Australia - (Von Daniken Mess): Martian space probes once identified the Uluru formation as an ancient Terran monolith, a spooky mirror image of their own Cydonia erection revered for its holistic healing powers as well as being the planet's top mark...
Read full storyUpminster Named 'UK's Sexiest Town'
Randy lads and lasses around the country yesterday BLASTED the findings of a survey which suggested that Upminster in Essex was the 'sexiest town in Britain'. The 'UK Sex Map', produced by online retailer Anne Cummers, indicated that adults in the...
Read full storyTHEIFA Condemn Football Kidnapping.
The world of football has been rocked once again today when Madchester Untied were accused of juvenile kidnap. The story relates to the swoop last August of French teenage prodigy Daniel N'Everplay. A report has been handed to THEIFA, the world fo...
Read full storyOzone-Holy Commotion
The Vatican has condemned the proposal to patch the ozone layer with a latex sheet. "We feel this project by NASA is nothing more than putting a huge condom in the sky." Said some religious nutter in Rome. The experiment which will begin by th...
Read full storyPrime Minister Gordon Brown To Extend IRA Compensation Demands
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today announced that the fight to secure compensation for the victims of the IRA will be stepped up 'to the next level' in the coming days and weeks. In a move that has indicated to the world in the strongest possi...
Read full storyNo Car-bon-bon Footprint
Environmental groups have welcomed the announcement of the newest 'green car', the Citroen Scribble. The new car from the French company will be the most environmentally friendly vehicle on the planet. The Scribble will have a zero carbon footprin...
Read full storyTop Newspaper Editor In Suspected Heart Attack Drama
Barely a few days after taking over as editor of one of the most popular newspapers in the country, Dominic Mohair, 40 a day, has been rushed into hospital after suffering what is believed to have been a sudden heart attack. The alarm was raised...
Read full storyOnly Certain Types Of Brainwashing Should Be Allowed.
In its latest attack on any political plan that Barack Obama makes the Right has now condemned his specialized speech addressed to school age children. Screaming 'Brainwashing' loud enough to deafen a long dead Pavlov, they believe that his spee...
Read full storyRhode Island To Release Its Entire Prison Population
PROVIDENCE - Rhode Island Governor Donnie Carcaluchi has signed a bill that will allow him to release every convict that is currently incarcerated in The Rhode Island State Department of Corrections Prison System. Governor Carcaluchi said that he...
Read full storyMan found in flat with penis stuck in mouth
A man has been found in a flat with another man's penis stuck in his mouth - literally! It is believed that the man who was having oral sex performed on him, was worried that he would not be able to "cum". He, thus, devised a plan where whilst rec...
Read full storyUK Slams Obama Over Special Relationship/Breast Appreciation Day
The United States Administration was today left reeling following another volte-face from the nation we describe ourselves as having a 'special relationship' with. UK Breast Ambassador for Miami/Dade, Cosmo Smallpiece PSP* expressed his utter and...
Read full storyNew School Year in Gaza Begins Today
Gaza: A new school year is beginning in Gaza. United Nations (UN) officials approached the Hamas leadership about adding a Humanitarian Studies class to their Kindergarten through 12th Grade curricula. The UN suggesting classes is a part of their...
Read full storySpecialist Employment Ad Appears in the Media
Red Light City: A sign of the current recession easing is that more jobs are becoming available due to a hard economic upturn and, as also reported in The Spoof, the old pros are retiring. The following want ad was spotted in a local newspaper. A...
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