Arlington, VA - In a speech today before the conservative political action committee Farmers for Liberty and Guns former Vice President Dick Cheney warned of a dangerous new threat facing America.
"We must always be vigilant," he said to the farmers assembled in the old barn of farmer John Bagley. "Trust me, when you good decent God fearing lovers of liberty plant your crops in God's hallowed dirt always remember God hating terrorist are planning way to murder them, and in the process kill all of God's true freedom loving people"
"Now I fear I must tell you good people of a new and particularly insidious threat to America," said Cheney.
Cheney cleared his throat and then continued. "It appears that terrorist operating out of Godless Iran have somehow manager to turn themselves into two dimensional terrorist," he said. Holding up a piece of writing paper Cheney continued, "What this means is that terrorist can now become like this piece of paper, with two side but no height. That means you can't see then, and they can sneak up on you.
"Worst yet," Cheney continued, "is that the socialist president Obama has refused to do anything about this new threat, to protect your families. Now he's on his ridiculous big health care reform thing to divert your attention away from the real threat - terrorism. And what good is health reform going to do for you anyways with foreign terrorist hiding in you heads and your children bones lying in your fields?"
Just then local farmer Regis Thermal stood up and asked Cheney, "Wait a cotton picking moment here. How's a man get to be two dimensional anyway? That sounds awful crazy to me."
"Exactly, crazy" said Cheney, smiling confidently now. "It's because no one would believe that terrorist are able to get inside your heads in the first place that enables then to get inside your heads in the first place. That's why we must always be vigilant. Because once terrorist subvert and convert your brain you'll never be the same. Trust me, you'll start saying and doing all kinds of un-American things, and you won't even know your doing then because you'll be two dimensional crazy."