Rhode Island To Release Its Entire Prison Population

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

image for Rhode Island To Release Its Entire Prison Population
Rhode Island's notorious Cowsill State Prison which will soon be completely empty.

PROVIDENCE - Rhode Island Governor Donnie Carcaluchi has signed a bill that will allow him to release every convict that is currently incarcerated in The Rhode Island State Department of Corrections Prison System.

Governor Carcaluchi said that he first got the idea to save the taxpayers of Rhode Island a tremendous amount of money from California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who plans on releasing 40,000 California prisoners into California society in the near future.

The state of Colorado is presently making arrangements to release 6,000 inmates. And Michigan is considering releasing half of its prison population which would number somewhere around 4,329,700 convicts.

Governor Rick Perry of Texas was asked if his state was planning on releasing any prisoners and he replied with a resounding "Hell no! We'll just strap 'em in old 'Sparky' and flip the switch."

When told that it costs about $30,000 to house one inmate for one year he replied "I rest my friggin' case!"

Since Governor Perry is not planning on releasing any of the Texas inmates he was asked how he could justify having the taxpayers of Texas pay a tremendous amount of money to keep them behind bars.

The governor was reminded the taxpayers of his state provide the convicts with free room and board, medical care, dental care, sirloin steak, fajitas, fried shrimp, wedding cake, salsa, Lone Star Beer, cable TV, and weekly humanitarian visits from the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders who perform their high-kicking routines in front of the salivating convicts.

Perry was quick to point out that the prisoners incarcerated in the state prisons of Texas do not get Lone Star Beer, or any beer for that matter.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Regarding the wedding cake. The cake is provided free of charge from bakeries throughout the state that mess up on the wedding cake messages such as "Happy Weeding Wishes To Timmy and Carmelita" or "This Wedding Cake Has No Kalaries."]

Rhode Island Governor Carcaluchi was asked how he felt knowing that he was going to be letting convicted felons, criminals, hoodlums, thugs, gangsters, mobsters, and known psychopaths loose on the streets of Rhode Island.

He quickly stated that none of the inmates who are being released are psychopaths. He said that one was borderline schizophrenic and another one was a pathological taxi cab hijacker but none are psychopathic.

The governor was asked what the total number of prisoners presently housed in The Rhode Island State Department of Corrections Prison System is.

He thought about it for a moment and then said that he would have to refer to his notes. He did and replied that the number was six.

"Six?" A reporter for The Providence Daily Proverbial asked.

"Yes, more or less. Let me remind you that if you look on a map you will see that Rhode Island is a little, bitty, tiny state." The governor replied.

Governor Carcaluchi checked his notes again and then he said that the number was actually four because two of the prisoners Abruzzo "Bullet Balls" Profumi (inmate #11) and Kydell "Fast Feets" Renko (inmate #29) had escaped two days before.

The governor said that the four remaining inmates that were still in the Rhode Island prison system are Honus "AK-47" Vandernoot (Inmate #17), Typell "The Uptown Stud" Bentwood (inmate #31), Ferragamo "Hollow Point" Scappanetti (inmate #4), and Toshinori "Chopsticks" Kushikino (inmate #19).

SIDENOTE: Rhode Island Attorney General Augusta Harkenfooper, 52, who is recently divorced wanted it pointed out that the four Rhode Island prisoners will not be released into the Rhode Island population. She stated off the record that plans are being formulated to put the four convicts on four different Greyhound buses and ship them to Montana, Wyoming, Utah, and Vermont.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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