Prime Minister Gordon Brown To Extend IRA Compensation Demands

Funny story written by Mark Mywords

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

image for Prime Minister Gordon Brown To Extend IRA Compensation Demands
Sunday, Bloody Sunday? Oi tell yer, it still beats bloody Monday.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today announced that the fight to secure compensation for the victims of the IRA will be stepped up 'to the next level' in the coming days and weeks.

In a move that has indicated to the world in the strongest possible terms that the Labour leader IS seeking to lose the next general election by the widest margin in political history, Mr Brown has given further details of how he intends to alienate almost everyone on the face of the planet by Christmas.

"Of course I'm disappointed that Libya has stuck two fingers up at our demand that it pay compensation to victims of the IRA," said a strident Brown, "but people have to know that when I say something, I mean it. Without firm and decisive leadership, this country would not have imposed the right to detain terrorist suspects for 42 days, would not have introduced identity cards for all UK citizens, or indeed would not have captured and tried Osama bin Laden and nullified the Taliban; measures that I would like to remind you we ALL now benefit from," he said to an increasingly bemused group of pre-school children at Mother Hubbard's Kindergarten, Kentish Town.

"If Libya don't pay up," said a strident Brown, "they will find themselves hit by the strongest possible economic sanctions. We will cut off supplies of John West salmon and refuse to sell them the last series of 'Road Wars UK'. They will find out that when Britain speaks, it means business - for BP, at least."

Brown then set out the next steps to be taken by the Foreign Office 'Dedicated Task Force' in its fight for compensation. "We haven't forgotten NORAID, and all those Irish-Americans who donated millions to the IRA," said a stern Brown. "We therefore intend to bring legal proceedings against every US citizen whose name has an 'O' in front of it. We will show no favours. A writ will therefore be landing on the doormat of US President Barry O'Bama within the next few days. Oh, and everyone who owns an Irish wolfhound, wears a green shirt or has ever bought a U2 album!"

"All those responsible for the IRA and its actions are going to be hunted down like potatoes and made to pay," ranted Brown. Mr Brown said, however, that it would be impossible to track down all the living descendants of Oliver Cromwell. He also said that bringing any compensation claims against the army, including those involved in the infamous 'Bloody Sunday' massacre in 1972 was likely to prove impossible, as the commission looking into the incident was not due to report until hell had frozen over. Mr Brown also said that establishing the link between Gerry Adams, Martin McGuinness and Sinn Fein to the IRA was also proving 'problematic'.

Following the next general election, the interior of Gordon Brown's head is to be donated to science, and turned into a Large Hadron Collider.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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