Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

image for Man Accidentally Fires Cannon Hitting His Neighbor's House
This is a photo of the Civil War cannon that belongs to Civil War Re-Enacter Billy Masters.

UNIONTOWN, Pennsylvania - Mr. and Mrs. Mickey Marsala were sitting in their living room minding their own business watching an edition of Cops when all of a sudden a two-pound cannonball crashed through their front window, whizzed by both of them, and hit Mrs. Marsala's washing machine knocking it all to hell.

Agnes Marsala quickly hit the floor thinking that it was maybe some Taliban terrorists or Al Qaeda operatives that had infiltrated the Uniontown city limits.

Her husband, quickly grabbed a Louisville Slugger baseball bat that he had bought at a Pittsburgh Pirates - Houston Astros game nine years ago.

Mrs. Marsala tried to call 911, but she couldn't because her cell phone was in the bathroom and she was not about to stand up and get it. As she laid on the floor buttered popcorn and Diet Dr. Pepper covered her from head to toe.

Mickey hollered out if she was okay. She answered that she was. He asked her if she could feel her feet. She answered yes. How about your fingers he asked. Again she replied yes, and asked why with the odd questions.

He answered that it was just something he had heard while watching NYPD Blue reruns.

Mrs. Marsala did tell him that she would like a glass of water. Her husband laughed and told her that she was kind of shit out of luck on that one.

She told him that her first husband Myron would have gotten if for her. He answered that it was a lie because she had shot the sumbitch when he sprayed her with a water gun 12 years ago Christmas day.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Who the hell is it?" Mickey hollered out.

"Is everyone okay?" The shaky voice asked.

Mickey recognized the voice. It was their neighbor from down the street "Flaky" Billy Masters. He told Mickey that he had accidentally fired his civil war re-enacting cannon and that he noticed that it hit his house.

Just then Agnes Marsala stood up and started calling Masters every curse word in the book.

Masters, who only a few days ago celebrated his 89th birthday, told her to pipe down and that he had just come over to retrieve his cannonball, which he says cost about $56.

Mrs. Marsala stood up and Billy told her that she was all covered up in popcorn and Diet Dr. Pepper. Mickey asked Billy if he had finally gone totally crazy. Billy grinned and said that he hadn't.

Agnes looked at him and said bullshit Billy! You were crazy yesterday, you're crazy today, and you will be crazy tomorrow you piece-of-friggin'-possum-shit!

He asked Mickey if he could just get his Civil War re-enacting cannonball and go. Mickey told him that he was getting ready to kick the ever livin' daylights out of his Civil War re-enacting ass!

Billy suddenly pushed Agnes out of the way and he bolted for the door. Mickey took off after him with his Louisville Slugger baseball bat. Agnes was right behind Mickey with a remote control, a ballerina figurine, and the latest rolled up edition of TV Guide.

Just as Billy hit the porch, two of Uniontown's finest grabbed him. Officers Lenny Sanframundi and Howie Kippateen quickly put Billy in handcuffs. They told him to drop the cannonball, which he did. Unfortunately for Billy it landed on his right foot.

Billy let out a yell that residents four blocks away reported hearing. Billy Masters was read his rights and he was taken away.

SIDENOTE: Masters was forced to pay for all of the damages to the Marsala's house including paying for the spilt popcorn and Diet Dr. Pepper. His cannonball and cannon were impounded and the Uniontown Police Department has put them on eBay. When they sell them they will use the money to purchase half a dozen new canisters of pepper spray and with whatever money is leftover they will use to pay for after-hours 'happy hour' tabs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: cannon




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