The United States Administration was today left reeling following another volte-face from the nation we describe ourselves as having a 'special relationship' with.
UK Breast Ambassador for Miami/Dade, Cosmo Smallpiece PSP* expressed his utter and absolute fury that the UK had not been formally invited into joining celebrations lauding the positive attributes of a fine pair of female breasts.
For no other reason than that they looked 'damn hot.'
Facing down his US equivalent, the charismatic breast connoisseur, Skip Wiffleball, of Hialeagh, Florida, Smallpiece expressed his pent up outrage at the UK exclusion from a gorgeous booby chart in a face-to-face across the table encounter at local broadcaster, Tits 'R' We.
"This is outrageous!" Smallpiece ranted. "Our beloved Nations enjoy a special relationship? My arse! All that went out of the window years ago!" Pausing only to wipe copious amounts of condensation from a pair of spectacles with cola bottle strength lenses Smallpiece continued his rant:
"Liz Taylor - English. Fine rack she had in her day. You could have got lost three times over in those beauties. And then got lost again for good measure.
"Liz Hurley - English. Not greatly renowned for her acting skills, but universally accepted as having a fine pair of lungs.
"Wait a minute," Skip Wiffleball interjected. "You're a Brit, and you're doing what all Brits do. You're just trying to make us upstanding Americans feel inferior, because, and only because, you have more history than us. But you're talking old school, as usual."
A furious Smallpiece, undeterred, resumed his attack on American values and sexual tastes:
"Are all your girls not surgically enhanced?" he challenged. "The kind of girls whose boobs point at the sky like sandcastles even as they are in repose? Big but horrendously scarred, and more often than not, uneven to boot?"
"Okay," Wiffleball sighed. "What is it you want? We've been giving you Limeys handouts since the War of Independence..."
"Dame Helen Mirren!" Smallpiece crowed triumphantly. "Tell me you wouldn't have a crafty glance if she was getting her kit off down the hall from you? And she's not getting any younger. But, so what? All people ever do in America is vote volume. Size over quality. Your women all look the bleedin' same!"
"They do not!" Skip Wiffleball blurted.
"Oh yes they fuggin' do!" Smallpiece interjected with a sage grin. "So pray tell, my American cousin, pray point out the difference between Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson, Greta Van Susteren and Bill O'Reilly? You can't, can you?"
"Of course I can," Skip Wiffleball declared, non-too convincingly.
"So?" Smallpiece interjected, rather smugly, "It must be stated for the record of course..."
"Well, Bill O'Reilly obloviates...obviously..."
"Stick your plastic titted mannequins up your arse you nation of losers!" Smallpiece screeched.
The beat goes on.
*PSP = Pretty Small Penis
Breast Appreciation Day will take place on 28th September.
With thanks to J-Man for being certifiably crazy. In a good way.