Jihadi Comes Back From Death; Outlines Disappointment.
When budding Jihadi Mohammed al Pointlessrage ben Easilyled heard and understood the call to Jihad, he found the truth of his life revealed. Born into a seventh century culture in a barren desert, he was taught from birth that pleasure was unclean...
Read full storyAirport Security Guard Posed as Doctor
Mexico City - Airport security guard Marco San Sebastien was convicted of fraudulently posing as a medical doctor after patients noted he was suspiciously doing rectal exams with blue rubber gloves and providing MRI exams using an airport security X-...
Read full storyArgentina's Message to World : Don't Cry for Me
Following Juan Martin del Potro's stunning victory over Roger Federer at the U. S. Open, the government of Argentina, basking in a new-found level of national pride, announced that the country would no longer cry for people. In a further development,...
Read full storySecurity in Force to Bar Kanye West from America's Got Talent Results Show
In a major preemptive move, producers of America's Got Talent have beefed up security for their highly anticipated results show in order to prevent rapper Kanye West from storming the stage as he did at the VMA Awards. Dubbed "Operation Swifter", a r...
Read full storyBreast Appreciation Day Exposed As Recycled Old Idea - It used to be called Tit Monday!
It was the day, usually in Spring or early summer when the millions of women of all shapes, ages and sizes seemed to make a collective decision to put away Winter's dowdy garments and blossom forth in sheer, lightweight fabrics and bare legs. Sali...
Read full storyInbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part 14
We last saw Buck and Nick surviving a vicious inbred mutant hoodie zombie attack in the bowels of the earth. In a sewer. Which they were unwittingly swallowed up by. Thanks to a fusillade of hot lead from Buck's Colt 45 Navy Special and Nick's .357 Magnum. As they wade through the ankle deep sewage, with rats scampering all around, Nick taps Buck on the shoulder with some urgency. "I have...
Read full storyIn Down Economy Michelle Obama Launches White House Flea Market to Support Fired ACORN Workers!
Washington, DC/ News from the Frugal Shopper - In a show of moral support for recently disenfranchised ACORN workers, those laid off wholesale as Congress cut off billions of funding due to corruption, fraud and downright stupidity, First Lady Michel...
Read full storyProstitutes Ask For New Tax
In Kit Carson City, Nevada's proud history of opposing taxes now has something of a blemish. Legal prostitutes and some brothel owners testified Tuesday that they wanted to help solve the state's financial crises by paying a new tax. Among those...
Read full storyFlaming Flamers Flame Flames Flamingly
The Spoof Flame War between Buckeyesnuts and the San Jose Rutabaga flamed on this week with little signs of being extinguished. The writers (form opposite coasts in the United States) tried everything from self depricatiion ("I'm not as flaming as S...
Read full storyTaylor Swift And Kanye West To Record A Country-Rap Christmas Album
NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift's management agency, Wyomissing Missing Nothin' Productions, has just released word that their client has just signed on to record a country-rap Christmas album with rapper Kanye West. Bucker Bob Tuttle, executive with Swi...
Read full storyRonnie Wood dumps Russian slag
London - (Sticky Fingers): "We suspect he's shagging that hermaphrodite floozy," pals of sexagenarian Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood said today, "whotsisname, Caster Semen-ya." Neighbors in top Hampstead eurotrash enclave Redington Road also...
Read full storyWriting for TheSpoof.com Now #1 Part-Time Job in US, UK
In a stunning revelation, it recently was discovered that writing for online satirical rag, TheSpoof.com, has become the number one non-compensated part-time job for thousands of under-talanted, mentally-disturbed and/or otherwise unemployable writer...
Read full storyElton John Defends Adoption Decision
Mediocre song writing "talent" Elton John has hit back at the tabloid media who have criticized his and partner David Furnish's effort to adopt Ukranian orphan Lev. In a heated interview on day-time telly-show "Tomorrow's Morning." Elton slammed...
Read full storyRooney's shoe sponsor threatens to sue the "Roon" for his shoe-throwing tantrum!
Scouser "Rooney" after throwing a tantrum and bunging his shoe at a Turkish dugout has been threatened with legal action by Niadidabok. "Roon" is under contract with Nike and a Nike representative after seeing this display of uncontrolled aggro pr...
Read full storyManhattan Is Offering Free Mammograms
MANHATTAN - Trudy "Titina" Tinkerwitt, founder and president of Titina's Manhattan Mammogram Service Agency has stated that in conjunction with this year's National Breast Appreciation Day, which is Monday, September 28, her Agency will be providing...
Read full storyLost Symbol just a National Treasure rip-off?
It has been suggested that Dan Brown's latest novel steals the plot and vast swathes from the 2004 movie "National Treasure", starring Nicolas Cage and Diane Kruger. Brown, author of the bestselling The Da Vinci Code, just released the sequel, The L...
Read full storyLeeds-Liverpool Canal Tsunami Wreaks Havoc In Burnley
The north east Lancashire town of Burnley, home of Premier League newbies Burnley FC was today faced with a massive clean-up operation after a tsunami in the Leeds-Liverpool canal flooded the town centre with billions of gallons of oily water. The...
Read full storyEx-Pres Carter calls Obama a Racist, and he agrees!
Jimmy Carter has upset the apple cart by calling Obama a racist and without batting an eyelid, Obama agreed. The world misinterpreted "Peanut Butter" Jimmy when he mumbled the word Racist in congress, they thought that Racists were trying to hinde...
Read full storyKenyan authorities clear one of the largest slums on the planet, Kenya!
Kenyan authorities have decided to clear one of the largest slums on the planet, KENYA! Despite massive opposition from rats, cockroaches, mosquitos, dubonic plague bugs and that other vermin, their inhabitants, Kenya is going through with the e...
Read full storyHillary Defends Joe 'You Lie' Wilson over Barack Obama attack
Hillary Clinton last night spoke out in defence of Congressman Joe Wilson's claim that Barrack Obama was lying. The Secretary For State had been keeping schtum to see how it would play, but couldn't hold it any longer. She said, "Poor old Joe's...
Read full storyWhitney Does Oprah, Gets So Emotional
Beleaguered diva and Bobby Brown baby-mama Whitney Houston actually made it to the Oprah Winfrey show Monday on her own steam, in a vertical condition and without lackey assistance. The two-day interview took place on the stage of New York's Town...
Read full storyNeighbour From Hell Too Hot To Handle
A 128-year-old neighbour from hell has been evicted from her home after a series of raucous parties with The Devil, and various Incubbus and Succubus. A judge told Jeannie Luciferston she had 28 days to leave the sheltered housing flat in Southamp...
Read full storyMA. Gov. Deval Patrick & Barry Obama: Brudders with Udder Mudders?
Milton, Ma/ Genealogy News - This wealthy upper middle class town is awash today with the late breaking rumour that the State's first Black Governor is actually the half brother of the Nation's first Black President! Students of genealogy and political history, said the similarities are too close not to lend credence to the story just now starting to come out from here- to- for sealed birth reg...
Read full storySerena Williams: A therapy for anger management
There is good news on the tennis front. The hapless lineswoman who got threatened by Serena Williams can now walk the streets of this sinful world without fear or hindrance. She has been adequately assured (with public apologies) by the tennis champion that she never meant to shove a tennis ball down her throat - even though she may have said so in anger during her semi-final match against come-ba...
Read full storyHouse of Commons laughs asses off over House of Representatives "Liar" flapperoo
LONDON (ABSNN) - Thirteen MP's were hospitalized Tuesday morning after reading the continuing news about US House member Joe Wilson's upcoming Ethics violation hearings and possible censure for calling President Obama a liar during his House speech e...
Read full storyDouche-Baggers claim Pope is Muslim
In a startling development The Douche-Baggers (formerly The T-Baggers & Birthers) announced today in a press release that the Pope is a Muslim! The announcement came as a shock to the religous community aaround the world. Many mainsteram Pro...
Read full storyKanye Interrupts Swayze Funeral, Says Jackson's was Better
Even as the buzz on Twitter, Facebook, and the universe of entertainment news outlets is humming with the discussion of the hip-hop star's outrageous antics at the MTV Videao Music Awards, Kanye West doubled down on his image as an outspoken and no-h...
Read full storyStar Trek legend's Tam O' Shatner
Star Trek legend William Shatner is to read the poems of Rabbie Burns in space. Scotland's Homecoming 2009 celebrations got a boost today when it was revealed a special Rabbie Burns satellite is to be sent into orbit by NASA. The celebrations,...
Read full storyThousands of Illegal Aliens Return To Mexico To Celebrate Mexican Independence Day
EAST LOS ANGELES - Hundreds of restaurant kitchens are empty in this southern California city as thousands of illegal aliens have returned to their native Mexico in order to participate in the Mexican Independence Day celebration. The festive nati...
Read full storyDuchess Of York To Be Jailed In Turkey
Sarah Ferguson is working on a new career as a documentary film maker. She recently bought a deprived estate in North Manchester and lived alone amongst its denizens accompanied only by an 11 - man film crew and 15 bodyguards. "Cripes - it was...
Read full storyCoyote Snatches Jessica Simpson's Dog
HOLLYWOOD - It has not been Jessica Simpson's year. First she gains 20 pounds and shows up at a concert performance looking like a blonde version of Wynonna Judd. Then her boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo dumps her the day before her bi...
Read full storyLondon Icon To Disappear - River Thames To Be Filled In
The Health and Safety Executive has spoken - From next Tuesday, the River Thames will be turned off in preparation for filling it in to make allotments. The HSE was tasked by Lord Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every P...
Read full storyColdplay Nicked Song Because They Thought Satriani Was Canadian
Coldplay singer Chris Martin has apologised to Joe Satriani over an alleged copyright infringement, explaining that he thought the US guitarist was Canadian. Martin said Coldplay would never have thought they could have gotten away with their song...
Read full storySatriani's Hand Gesture Leads To New Coldplay Court Action
Chris Martin is to sue Joe Satriani over a gesture he made in court yesterday which was eerily similar to a gesture made by the Coldplay singer earlier that day. The news of this latest litigation comes within hours of a settlement being reached b...
Read full storyObama's Rapper Abuse Leads to Economic Recovery
Woking - Business across the pond in Woking, and also everywhere else, have reported to be experiencing a surge in confidence amongst consumers thanks to trashy shobiz gossip, much of which focused around Obama and his 'jackass' comment to hip-hop-ra...
Read full storyOpinion: Truly, the Founders are smiling down on us today
Friends, I write to you with a skip in my step and a song in my heart. Why, you ask? Because I can hear the sounds of democracy, even from where I sit. At this very moment the shrill, incessant cries of the Tea Party Express ringing in my ears. I don't mind, although some people just don't seem to understand. When I had some friends over recently, they asked why they could hear the yowls of kitten...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Has One Of Those Days
Adam Lambert, while talking to some friends at a popular New York City restaurant, "Sam Holes" actually called this reporter over to his table and ordered us both a drink. "Just had to tell you that this has been one of the worst days of my life,...
Read full storyTarantino To Remake Inglorious Basterds Again
Quentin Tarantino has revealed his next film will pay homage to his most recent film Inglorious Basterds. The Pulp Fiction director had toyed with the idea of a reworking of the film for some time, but has only now got round to the remake. He w...
Read full storyWW II U-Boat Surfaces Off of Portsmouth UK
Portsmouth UK: A World War II U-boat, the U-1020, surfaced off of Portsmouth. The German craft was escorted into the harbor by HMS Victory. Members of the British science establishment, MI6 agents and translators were summoned to interrogate Capt...
Read full storyThe Return of Fall Television
It's only Wednesday, and already this week has been full of more gossip than one reporter can chew. The sad news of the death of Patrick Swayze was definitely an event which many expected, but not this soon. His A&E hit TV show The Beast was Swayze's final on screen performance. This reporters thoughts are with his family. But let's jump to some more light hearted entertainment news...
Read full storyAdebayors Run Record Breaking!
Emmanuel Adebayors run towards the Arsenal Fans during Saturday's game has been clocked at 60 miles per hour. This record breaking feat was measured as the player sprinted in ecstacy, to share the joy of his goal with the opposing fans. The awa...
Read full storyBrown calls Mika knob
Following on from Barack Obama calling Kayne West a jackass, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called Mika a knob. My sources from Downing Street say that this is the start of a new initiative from the PM to tackle the entire music industry.
Read full storyPope To Buy Islam
The Pope has announced a multi-billion dollar plan to purchase the Islamic faith. The deal, said to be too good to refuse, will see all of Islam controlled by Catholicism PLC. Last night, the Pope stood on the Vatican balcony and announced his...
Read full storyPrince Harry to Marry Pippa Middleton
In a late breaking story reveals that Prince Harry has proposed to Pippa Middleton and been accepted. The happy couple beamed as they described to this reporter how the Chelsy Davies smokescreen worked beautifully to divert attention from their growi...
Read full storyUK Chef's new book "How to cook 4 Americans" receives mixed reviews
Renowned top chef Ollie Jamiver, 34, has published his 115th cookery book on the back of his trip around the USA, and this latest effort has taken a slightly different direction. The title may seem like its just written in the celebrity chef's tra...
Read full storyPrince Charles Takes a Lover, Camilla Heartbroken
It can finally be revealed that Prince Charles and Carole Middleton are lovers . Her unfortunate origins, while keeping them apart in a legal sense, have not stopped them from getting together in a real sense. "Yes, it is true," Camilla Parker-Bow...
Read full storyHarry Inherits His Millions: Vows to Fight Recession
HRH Prince Harry inherited his share of his mother's fortune today and vowed to use it for the good of all mankind. Referring to the ghastly amount of unearned money he now enjoys with hanging head, the Prince gallantly put his plan into action. H...
Read full storyKanye West Confesses "I did it to boost Jay's ratings"
Rapper Kanye West has revealed that his rude interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards was a publicity stunt, strategically planned to increase ratings for Mr. Leno's new weeknight talk show, which debuted at...
Read full storyNewly Discovered Phallus Worm Is Named after Kanye West
The National Worm Society has announced the discovery of a new species of worm, a member of phylum Priapulida, a phallus worm. The news was met with great joy among the biological community, and the National Worm Society was asked to give the species...
Read full storyRadio Magnate Launches Satellite for "Smell It" Channel
By the end of the year you could be cruising with your favorite smells thanks to a new technology that promises to give you the scents and odors you want, when you want it, anywhere in the United States -commercial free. From space to your car.
Read full storyRev. Al Sharpton Says That Taylor Swift Provoked Kanye West
HARLEM - Reverend Al Sharpton, who prides himself in being one of the most controversial civil rights activists in America, has finally spoken out on the Kanye West grabbing the microphone out of Taylor Swift's hand incident. Sharpton, who claims...
Read full storyBeatlemania Finally Surfaces In Belgium
Almost 50 years since the Liverpool based music combo, The Beatles rocked the world to it's very musical foundations, Belgium has finally caught the bus too. Beatlemania is finally starting to get a grip. "I thought it was an Oasis tribute band...
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