Coyote Snatches Jessica Simpson's Dog

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

image for Coyote Snatches Jessica Simpson's Dog
Jessica Simpson standing in line at a PetSmart just hours before her dog was dragged away by a coyote.

HOLLYWOOD - It has not been Jessica Simpson's year. First she gains 20 pounds and shows up at a concert performance looking like a blonde version of Wynonna Judd. Then her boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo dumps her the day before her birthday. And now her pet dog Daisy gets snatched up by a coyote.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: A coyote as in the four-legged variety, not the two-legged coyote who transports illegal aliens into the United States.]

Jessica has put out a reward for the return of Daisy, but as most animal experts will tell you, a coyote is not exactly gonna dognap a dog for a ransom.

They say that not even famous, well-trained dogs like Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, or the little Taco Bell Chihuahua are that smart.

One of the nation's foremost experts on petnapping is Corey Prattmeister. He wrote in his award-winning book, Coyotes Gone Wild that he has documented hundreds of cases where eagles, hawks, coyotes, skunks, and even tarantulas have committed petnapping.

Last year in Pocatello, Idaho, a cocker spaniel belonging to Mr. and Mrs. Vance Askingard was out doing his business in the yard when an eagle swooped down and grabbed little Oregano.

Mrs. Askingard yelled out to her husband who ran out of the house in his underwear. Mr. Askingard had grabbed his shotgun and he shot up at the eagle without thinking about the fact that the eagle had little Oregano in it's claw.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The next three sentences have been deleted since they were extremely graphic in nature. You can just imagine, an eagle about 100 yards up in the sky with a cocker spaniel in its claws getting shot with a shotgun.]

Another incident of an attempted petnapping that appears in Prattmeister's book is that of Buffalo Bills receive Terrell Owens pet goldfish Goliath, which lived in a large pond located in Terrell's backyard.

One day as Owens was barbecuing some cross cut ribs, he noticed that a hawk had swooped down and grabbed Goliath. The hawk had already started to make it's ascent when Owens took off like a bullet and he managed to jump up and grab Goliath out of the hawks talons.

Goliath had a few cuts and scrapes but he was okay. When Owens put Goliath back in the goldfish pond he said that it swam behind a rock house structure where he remained for six days.

In other news. South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson will be going into the recording studio to record a rap song which he says tongue-in-cheek, or rather foot-in-mouth is titled, "Hey You Lie, Bro."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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