The Health and Safety Executive has spoken - From next Tuesday, the River Thames will be turned off in preparation for filling it in to make allotments.
The HSE was tasked by Lord Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie) to carry out a joint review of London with colleagues in the Ministry of Food Production.
"We recognised a large number of risks associated with living in London" comments Cerberus Wangleficker of the HSE "and surprisingly, falling in the Thames came out No 1 after Lord Mangelson had reviewed our draft findings. This was a surprise because we all thought muggings, murders, knifings and rapes were well up there".
The national land shortage for growing the mandatory 5-a-day vegetable was not brought into the calculations.
Lord Mangelson stated "This is a historic decision. The Thames was a landmark for German bombers and consists of water, mud and gravel.
There is no place for this untidy mess in modern London".
Plans are emerging for the sale of all London's now redundant bridges to gullible American tourists and for the water content of the Thames to be diverted to marginal, rural constituencies.
