Security in Force to Bar Kanye West from America's Got Talent Results Show

Funny story written by Paris Silton

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

image for Security in Force to Bar Kanye West from America's Got Talent Results Show
An operative from "Operation Swifter" Central listening to Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me"

In a major preemptive move, producers of America's Got Talent have beefed up security for their highly anticipated results show in order to prevent rapper Kanye West from storming the stage as he did at the VMA Awards. Dubbed "Operation Swifter", a reference to the incident where Mr. West hijacked Taylor Swift's acceptance speech, it involves highly trained guard dogs and high-tech communication devices.

"We just couldn't risk it," said public relations spokesperson, Simon Simon. "What if Voices of Glory wins, and they're swifted by Kanye West?"

Fighting to hold back emotion, Simon Simon continued, "Those poor, sweet, defenseless children! What if he tries to tell them that Grandma Lee was better, or even Barbara Padilla? We just can't allow Kanye West to destroy their dreams and reduce them to quivering messes in front of an estimated 22.02 million viewers and a 14.1/24 household rating/share! This means the world - no, EVERYTHING - to them."

Under the comprehensive and robust defensive plan, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson will head a force of more than 50 very buft security guards who have been equipped with Mace and stun guns, as well as a team of vicious, snarling, muscular guard dogs. The dogs have been coached to respond to the code words "Swifter Alert." They have also been taught to recognize Mr. West via controlled exposure to pictures of the rapper obtained from a Google image search.

"Those dogs have lived and breathed Kanye West for the last 3 days," said Stu Ferrigno, Operation Swifter Supervisor. "We've sequestered them in this big room we call the "'Ye Room". Kanye's face is plastered all over the walls and his videos and CD's are playing 24/7." When asked how the rapper's tunes would help the dogs to recognize him, Ferrigno replied, "Oh, no, those are not for spotting Kanye. We're playing everything Kanye's done over and over and over to make the dogs want to get the hell outta the room and go after the guy." He added, "Right now, that song 'Heartless'? That's especially irritating to the dogs."

To ensure the most effective intra-communication for the security group, high-speed wireless broadband connection devices have been implanted in the ears of the guards so that they can more effectively respond to Operation Swifter Central operatives. These devices also play Kanye West's music, which is interrupted only by communiqués among the security force. According to Ferrigno, the continuous play of the rapper's songs has the same effect on the guards as it does on the dogs. "They want to rip out his vocal chords," he said.

"'Gold Digger'? Dude, that song like sends an electric charge through my fillings," said a security guard, identified as "Trevon" from a patch on his uniform.

Technicians are working on another glitch, a "MAJOR one", according to Swifter Central operative Maxwell Smart. It appears that communiqués have been increasingly pre-empted by Taylor Swift's award-winning song, "You Belong With Me." Although this new development threatens to dismantle the entire system, an unidentified source has revealed that "all the guys really dig the song."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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